My grandfather was a pedo. That said, I dont hate him as much as I hate my mother and grandmother for letting it happen. He was always more polite to me, even after what he did, and at least he gave me money and showered me with gifts. I used to cry to those witches and they would ignore it, blame me or threaten to say that I was the liar if I ever went public or tried to get justice. My father never cared about me at all. He also knew my grandfather was a pedo. He got remarried before his and my moms divorce was even signed.
My mothers boyfriend also raped me... I was in my early teens. I was so scared anyone would find out.. I told a close friend and I was the laughing stock of the school. I had always been a loser and the populars thought it was funny.
I was always the quiet kid. I changed schools, but still carried the secrets that I did. I had no one. Everyday I dragged myself to school and got As and Bs, and had to listen to the rich catholic girls b*tch about how their parents bought them the wrong bithday cake etc... when I never even had one. No one celebrated my birthdays after 14. And even then I knew that I was not really wanted. I never felt loved.
I was 18 and I ran away to live with the father I had never really known. It was hard. I repeated year 12 because I left when there was four more weeks to go.
Since then I graduated, I have a great job, earn $30,000 aprox and Im still a full time student. I have had a string of sexual relationships - a hoard - I have probably slept with about 30 men and cannot stop. It makes me feel loved. I was engaged and recently ran away from the control freak. Im only 21, and now I rent a bed in a shared apartment in the city. I hate it... I have no one in my life. NO family, no partner (although I already am involved in another meaningless relationship with a co worker whom I wish I had never slept with and agreed to 'go out' with him). I feel like trash. I am trash.
I am a dirty hoe with no class, although I dress nice and wear chanel perfume. I dream to have a family with a good, loyal partner.
But I doubt a man like that exists. I have had sex with too many married men who had happy smiling wives to believe any story a guy will spin for me. If only I could find a person and give my life to them...
I am still studying at the moment. I hope that one day my life will be different. I will have a family to come home to.
Friends are nothing for me.
I feel so upset when I think about my life.
It feels like I am living one big joke even speaking to my mother. Ive always acted like nothing is wrong. But I hate her.
But who else do I have? If I get nabbed walking to work one night, who will realise I am missing if I do not speak to her? I have no siblings. No close friends.
I hate my life.
Ive studied archaeology and geoscience. I think that the cave people had happier lives then we do now. They were born in their clan and had simple emotions, attachments for each other.
We have feelings of desertion and nothingness in our lives today.
I hope that one day my life will change. But I doubt anytime soon.
Any souls who want to sob about their life, let me know. Just email me. | |
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