Everyone makes mistakes; so why have mine led my life to be so empty?
I am both fortunate and unfortunate: I had everything I ever wanted. Let us have some context shall we? I am but 18 years old and I met someone on the third day of going to university [mistake number 1]. We did everything together [mistake number 2]. By week 3 I had practically moved in [mistake number 3]. His friends were my friends [mistake number 4]. Week 4 he told me he loved me, week 5 I told him I loved him [mistake number 5]. I know what you're thinking: "what on earth was he (yes I am gay) thinking?". Please allow me to explain, I was inexperienced in the art of relationships; I had always rejected my true homosexual self due to how condoned it is in society. But at university I gave myself a fresh start with open minded people and for the first time in my life I opened up [mistake number 6]. I do not open up, and so when I did I felt vulnerable and became dependant [mistake number 7].
I have always been very strongly independent: one does not show emotion, one always makes rational decisions and one never cries. I broke all three of these. But that didn't bother me until 6 weeks ago. I made a mistake [mistake number 7, undisclosed] and he said he could not trust me anymore. Overnight I lost everything. I lost my friends, my motivation and my happiness.
I always knew I was destined to be alone, but to actually in complete solitude yet surrounded by a university full of people, it is heart wrenching. It has been the longest 6 weeks of my life and I bet your thinking that that isn't very long at all, but every day I spent the evening alone. I spend that time thinking about what could have been had I not made those mistakes. I had no-one. No-one asked that simple question "how are you?". Naturally it was asked in passing as a general comment, but no-one really wanted to know. My friends had abandoned me. I cried. For the first time in my life I have let my emotions overcome me. I am weak. I am a mess.
I am broken.
My story may seem mundane to everyone, but I feel so much pain. There is no-one for me to talk to. The options I have are stolen from me by my own pride. I refuse to rely on anyone. And so my tears have become my own. I want to give up, but I won't let myself at the same time. I am a swirling mass of negative emotion, spiralling into the depths of darkness. I just need someone, anyone, to listen. I am but a ghost. I am there, but no-one sees me. Have you ever felt like you could just disappear and no-one would notice? I am sure I am not the only one. I ask myself why I am condemned to such a sorrowful life, but then I realise the answer: I fell in love... and I paid the price. | |
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