For starters, I'm a 27 year old male. I've been told I'm attractive, intelligent, confident, and quite charming, however I can't maintain any sort of friendships or intimate relationship. I'm not socially awkward, and I'm a pro at flirting and maintaining witty and engaging conversations, but I can get a little standoffish around ignorance and stupidity. Apparently I have a lot of "depth" to me, so I grow bored with people quite easily. Intelligence can be both a curse and a blessing. However, I believe a lot of it stems from my beaten and abused past that I sustained from both my family and my peers. I'm that battered dog who's hair stands on end when the wrong words are said, or the wrong questions are asked. If you get to close, I just might tear out your throat (no, I'm in no way physically or verbally abusive; I always turned the other cheek). I've spent the last 7 years in counseling and on a slew of antidepressants. I'm cool, collected, and extremely stable, but sad and lonely. I'm truly my own best friend. I do everything alone. I go to the movies alone, eat alone, hike alone, run alone, bike alone, spend holiday's alone, and I've even spent a few birthdays alone. It's going to take a special individual to get past my guard. In regards to that, I speculate from time to time if some of us are destined to die alone, and I believe I could quite possibly fall into that tier. Only time will tell.
I graduated last summer from the University of Washington and I can't find a job anywhere. I moved to Chicago to be back with the few friends I have, but I still can't find decent work. Home Depot hired me, but my patience has grown thin in regards to working with uneducated coworkers, and I have far more potential than becoming a store manager. I don't give a shit about finding your building supplies, or what your next home improvement project is. Oh, your baby is ugly too.
I have little to nothing. I have a weeks worth of clothes, a box of pasta, some oranges, a banana that someone gave me, cheap lunch meat, jelly, and a large sum of student debt. I don't even have a fucking loaf of bread right now. I can't say that the unfortunate events that have occurred in my life haven't been a small blessing though. I am quite humble and I make it a point to do whatever I can to help others in need. For example, if I was in let's say India and I had one meal left that would keep me alive, I'd gladly and willingly give it up to feed another starving mouth. If I could trade my life for someone who'd be more grateful, I'd do it in a heartbeat. We are truly spoiled as Americans, but still life has it's way of getting everyone down.
Manic depression is actually the beast I wrestle with on a daily basis. No one knows it, because I keep it in check. I don't really suffer from the highs, but the lows creep in very much like the nightly tide. It's weight is enormous. There are times I can't even get out of bed. I get invited out, but sometimes I don't even have the strength to put on my clothes, nor am I willing to wear my mask in public. I've named it the "Everything's just peachy" mask. There are times that the only way I can stave off the demon is by riding my road bike to the point of physical exhaustion and muscle failure. Tears, blood, and sweat are the only true anti-depressants I've got. I practically have no cartilage left in my knees because I'm such a die hard snowboarder (another thing I always did alone), but now I don't even have my beloved Cascades anymore. I'm just feeling stretched thin and tired. My biggest fear is I'll live till I'm like a 101 years old with my families genetics. Sad, old and alone does not sound very thrilling to me.
God is another touchy subject. I used to be a solid Christian, or at least tried to be, but my faith is wearing thin. I don't understand human suffering and I refuse to accept the answer, "It's part of a bigger plan that we can't understand." Fuck that. No one should suffer. The child who's diagnosed with bone cancer at age 7 and is forced to die a slow and painful death while her parents sit by her side helpless is not happening for a bigger and better reason. Oh, but the worthless family down the road that leeches us of our social security and abuses our welfare system just won the lottery. Fuck that too. It's all just big business in my mind. It's funny though. I mean, how people believe they feel God when they hold their hands out, or feel his presence in a room. Neurotransmitters and hormones have a funny way of doing odd things to peoples perceptions in certain situations. It's all psychosomatic. One person feels it, then everyone else feels it, and then before you know it everyone's in tears and acting hysterically. When God created the Heavens and the Earth could easily be the Big Bang, but in biblical form. Man could not coexist with dinosaurs because we'd be at the bottom of the food chain. The prophet that was commanded by God to kill his son as a test of faith was fucking crazy. A Mormon lady murdered her children in the name of God, and I'm pretty sure she was labeled crazy, faced trial, and is now serving a prison sentence. Moses didn't see a burning bush, he was probably starving and dehydrated. The Flood was a very long and drawn out rainstorm. It is impossible to put every creature on the face of the earth in a vessel of that caliber (What happened if one of those animals died from stress or Illness? Woops! There goes a species). The list goes on. Religion just promotes violence and illogical explanations for the unknown. I'm done now. Peace