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The woes of life . . .

Posted by PooponShit at March 25, 2012
Tags: Loneliness  2012 March  Sociopathy

For starters, I'm a 27 year old male. I've been told I'm attractive, intelligent, confident, and quite charming, however I can't maintain any sort of friendships or intimate relationship. I'm not socially awkward, and I'm a pro at flirting and maintaining witty and engaging conversations, but I can get a little standoffish around ignorance and stupidity. Apparently I have a lot of "depth" to me, so I grow bored with people quite easily. Intelligence can be both a curse and a blessing. However, I believe a lot of it stems from my beaten and abused past that I sustained from both my family and my peers. I'm that battered dog who's hair stands on end when the wrong words are said, or the wrong questions are asked. If you get to close, I just might tear out your throat (no, I'm in no way physically or verbally abusive; I always turned the other cheek). I've spent the last 7 years in counseling and on a slew of antidepressants. I'm cool, collected, and extremely stable, but sad and lonely. I'm truly my own best friend. I do everything alone. I go to the movies alone, eat alone, hike alone, run alone, bike alone, spend holiday's alone, and I've even spent a few birthdays alone. It's going to take a special individual to get past my guard. In regards to that, I speculate from time to time if some of us are destined to die alone, and I believe I could quite possibly fall into that tier. Only time will tell.

I graduated last summer from the University of Washington and I can't find a job anywhere. I moved to Chicago to be back with the few friends I have, but I still can't find decent work. Home Depot hired me, but my patience has grown thin in regards to working with uneducated coworkers, and I have far more potential than becoming a store manager. I don't give a shit about finding your building supplies, or what your next home improvement project is. Oh, your baby is ugly too.

I have little to nothing. I have a weeks worth of clothes, a box of pasta, some oranges, a banana that someone gave me, cheap lunch meat, jelly, and a large sum of student debt. I don't even have a fucking loaf of bread right now. I can't say that the unfortunate events that have occurred in my life haven't been a small blessing though. I am quite humble and I make it a point to do whatever I can to help others in need. For example, if I was in let's say India and I had one meal left that would keep me alive, I'd gladly and willingly give it up to feed another starving mouth. If I could trade my life for someone who'd be more grateful, I'd do it in a heartbeat. We are truly spoiled as Americans, but still life has it's way of getting everyone down.

Manic depression is actually the beast I wrestle with on a daily basis. No one knows it, because I keep it in check. I don't really suffer from the highs, but the lows creep in very much like the nightly tide. It's weight is enormous. There are times I can't even get out of bed. I get invited out, but sometimes I don't even have the strength to put on my clothes, nor am I willing to wear my mask in public. I've named it the "Everything's just peachy" mask. There are times that the only way I can stave off the demon is by riding my road bike to the point of physical exhaustion and muscle failure. Tears, blood, and sweat are the only true anti-depressants I've got. I practically have no cartilage left in my knees because I'm such a die hard snowboarder (another thing I always did alone), but now I don't even have my beloved Cascades anymore. I'm just feeling stretched thin and tired. My biggest fear is I'll live till I'm like a 101 years old with my families genetics. Sad, old and alone does not sound very thrilling to me.

God is another touchy subject. I used to be a solid Christian, or at least tried to be, but my faith is wearing thin. I don't understand human suffering and I refuse to accept the answer, "It's part of a bigger plan that we can't understand." Fuck that. No one should suffer. The child who's diagnosed with bone cancer at age 7 and is forced to die a slow and painful death while her parents sit by her side helpless is not happening for a bigger and better reason. Oh, but the worthless family down the road that leeches us of our social security and abuses our welfare system just won the lottery. Fuck that too. It's all just big business in my mind. It's funny though. I mean, how people believe they feel God when they hold their hands out, or feel his presence in a room. Neurotransmitters and hormones have a funny way of doing odd things to peoples perceptions in certain situations. It's all psychosomatic. One person feels it, then everyone else feels it, and then before you know it everyone's in tears and acting hysterically. When God created the Heavens and the Earth could easily be the Big Bang, but in biblical form. Man could not coexist with dinosaurs because we'd be at the bottom of the food chain. The prophet that was commanded by God to kill his son as a test of faith was fucking crazy. A Mormon lady murdered her children in the name of God, and I'm pretty sure she was labeled crazy, faced trial, and is now serving a prison sentence. Moses didn't see a burning bush, he was probably starving and dehydrated. The Flood was a very long and drawn out rainstorm. It is impossible to put every creature on the face of the earth in a vessel of that caliber (What happened if one of those animals died from stress or Illness? Woops! There goes a species). The list goes on. Religion just promotes violence and illogical explanations for the unknown. I'm done now. Peace


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Comments:
By anonymous at 26,Mar,12 14:07

Hi my name is Harsha and i am from India.Reading your story really brought tears to my eyes. It is very much like mine.Sometimes I might be sitting in a room full of people and yet be alone. There will be people chattering all around me and yet I wont say a word. No one knows what I am really like other than me. Its like I have stopped connecting with people yet I pine for company. May be my expectations from life are too much. Tears..yess they are the best medicines which I have. Well coming to the point i would really like to talk to you more. I think we a Two of a Kind. So feel free to contact me on my id 92.harshasingh@gmail.com
By Truth at 26,Mar,12 16:53

The people there are all saying "hey who the fuck drowned in a vat of patchouli oil??" . Did you notice the all eventually piped down and started looking at you?

...anyway, have a burger on me, Harsha!
By anonymous at 27,Mar,12 14:53

Thank You Mr Truth you kind of opened my eyes...thanx for your sensitivity..Harsha
By anonymous at 27,Mar,12 14:55 Fold Up

Thank You Mr Truth you kind of opened my eyes...thanx for your pea sized level of sensitivity..Harsha
By Truth at 28,Mar,12 01:21

.....nigger
By anonymous at 28,Mar,12 12:07

Go fuck your self...shit for brains racist....This is what shows that you are a real douchebag. You are this masterpiece of shit which god created and when he looks down he says that nothing could be more classically wrong and fucked up than you....


By anonymous at 26,Mar,12 15:05

Hi. I'm so grateful to read your story. I'm a bit older than you...34 & female but get everything you said. Reading your story was like reading a page from my own life. I too question God. Heck, I question everything.


By anonymous at 26,Mar,12 15:38

Inspirational story brother. This gives me strength. Because I know that I'm not the only one. I know there are others, like myself, who will be alone forever. I think the pain we bear can make us stronger in the end.


By anonymous at 26,Mar,12 15:42

i thot, m the only one who goes to movies alone. Atleast you get, peace writing out our heart. Am still searching for something that brings peace to me. Just keep doing good work for the needy..... FAREWELL


By justme at 26,Mar,12 15:46

Dearest PooponShit,

Most people are boring and shallow. Ignorance is boring in all of its forms. Growing up to be a store manager would kill me slowly. My biological clock is most likely broken since I'm 31 and totally agree that annoying loud babies are ugly. Specially when they are bumping into your seat on an intercontinental flight, and you are expected to smile back at their fat mom. Oh they are so cute, you say, while you try to ignore the dad staring right at your boobs and you count the minutes to get to O'Hare.

I live a lonely life. I eat alone, I shop alone, I run alone, I cry alone, I travel alone. I also do some other things alone, which are much more entertaining. I am very good at that. Most people would say I have everything to be happy and they are probably right. I wake up at 7am and work for 11/12 hours on something I like doing. And then I come home to an empty house. I exercise daily to at least get some part of "mens sana in corpore sano" right.

I'm kind of tired of being alone all the time. I guess it's because I'm usually not that good company to myself. At least I know for a fact I am not turning into the old-lonely-creepy-cat-lady. I don't really like cats, you see. If I can choose, I rather have my bulldog feed on my lonely corpse. The thing is that I only like big clumsy loyal dogs. Oh wait, I just had an epiphany - my type of man and my type of dog are exactly the same. Old Freud would love me.

In the slight chance you do bother answering me, my dear PooponShit, how did counseling work out for you? The few people who know about my unfortunate craziness kindly suggest me to take a go at that. However I don't think I would enjoy sitting on a couch and talking to a stranger about life. I'm a Scorpio, I don't just let some stranger walk into my perfectly bipolar world. I have to fall in love for that shit.


By Truth at 26,Mar,12 16:48

I was talking with God today, and he was saying that you were an absolute piece of dried shit on the anal glands of a dead goat. He also said that you have anal warts and should refrain from infecting any other dudes out there if you want to make it to limbo.

Your story is kind of pathetic, and it reminds me of this time I was flying to Chicago and I was sitting next to this fucking meathag who had her little assmonkies with her and there was also some other broad who who kept smiling at the meathag even though you could tell she hated everyone of them and would have given her last orgasm for an uzi and two clips. Anyway, she had really nice tits and I stared at them for a long time until I got shithoused from too many of those little bottles of Sloe Gin they bring you for 7 dollars each and I was seeing double so then it was like I was looking at 4 really nice tits, so it was a pretty good plane ride. I think she was flicking the bean under the crappy little blankets the give you.

..anyway, so we arrived and I got on the El and I saw this moody looking little mancunt with kind of a turkey neck skin thing going that was like the scrotum part that hangs off my balls in the back. I said "Hey, ballsack scrotum man, how about moving the fuck off the train bench so I can sit down.." and then he went on with some nonsense about how God was a bitch and he didn't care about anyone and so he wasn't going to believe anymore. He also mentioned that he was smarter than anyone he knew, and that he was alternately happy and then sad.

Then after about ten minutes of this he asked me if I still wanted him to quit laying on the train bench so I could sit down. I said, "RRRAAAAPPPLLLPPPHHH!!!! BLLARRGGAHHAGGH!!!"
and he was covered in my Sloe Gin puke.

" Nope...you keep laying there professor!"
By anonymous at 26,Mar,12 17:08

Truth, I appreciate your twisted humor. However you should practice the art of subtlety to make it somewhat more refined. And they don't really give us crappy little blankets on first class. Entertaining story though.
By Truth at 26,Mar,12 17:43

I love you
By justme at 27,Mar,12 02:44

You are a fast learner Truth, that was indeed very good. "I love you" might be the perfect reply. Ironic because obviously not true. Subtle because, although not true, it is enough to drive wild most desperate women on here.

It is the perfect cynical answer, capable of both raising expectations and hiding its true contempt. You are like Night Shyamalan of the depressed.

With this kind of development in such a short period of time, I look forward to reading more from this more refined, and yet still clearly disturbed, you.
By anonymous at 09,May,12 14:49 Fold Up

Fucking retarded.


By anonymous at 26,Mar,12 20:29

You sound like me man. I think you might have ADD. Do research on it, it kills your interpersonal relationships and thoughts of others. I just learned how it effects me after 30 years and countless failed relationships including my last one with an amazing person because I was still immature about myself, my emotions, and my illness. It is taking therapy, self education, reflection, and medication to work through it but each day gets a little brighter.

Look into man seriously. Just search and see if it sounds like you then go get help and meds cause it's the only way you'll be able to see outside your box.
By anonymous at 27,Mar,12 10:16

wow, you might have helped me alot. You just described me. I am 48 yrs old and have gone through much of what you have described. My post is below this reply . . .


By anonymous at 27,Mar,12 10:15

I am a 48 yr old man. You and I are very much alike. I too do many things alone and have a low tolerance for ignorance and especially hearing people talk just for the sake of doing so. I suffer from depression as well. It seems this country tries to run its best on loud-mouthed over-bearing politically correct liberals who only feel their life is a success once they obtain some sort of (soon to fade) job title. What a sad reality. I guess if you don't run with the crowd your not a "winner" here in the USA.

I have never run with the crowd, not my style and I'll never fake it either.

Again I can relate to much of your post. We are alot alike.


By anonymous at 27,Mar,12 17:30

Hi! I am from Brazil and we are very alike. My country is so full of ignorant and stupid people, thant I barely can find a friend to get a inteligent conversation with.
I tired, just tired of the television, of these stupid reality shows, tired of all of this "social media" bullshit. I am tired of everything. I have 29 years old and i like to read
books from Bertrand Russel, Spinoza, Richard dawkins, Edgar Alan Poe, Sam Harris, Daniel Dennet and many others and as you say "Inteligence can by a curse and a blessing" I agree totaly with you.

Looks like my only real friends today are the authors from the books above. The people suck, I can't find a girfriend because I don't like to do the stupid things that most people like to do, I stay at home the must time studing mathematics, game development and reading, in the hope that I could leave this country and move to Canada or other place.

Yeah.. life sucks, my friend, life sucks for those who can see the reality.
Good luck for you. For me, for all of us.


By anonymous at 27,Mar,12 20:48

I have no pity for you, if I was to be standing in front of you as i read this i would turn midway and hug you whether you wanted it or not and and say thank you and stop existing in your head... That's not living it just going with motions. this is probably no help but to let down the barriers you have to let go and free yourself first...


By anonymous at 27,Mar,12 23:27

You sound like an asshole. Just saying.


By anonymous at 06,Apr,12 21:54

I feel the same brother, except I'm far from stable. Fuck meds, and don't get "over" counseled. Take some pride in your ability to live live a bit lonely, many people pretend to be someone else just to live socially and to me that's more painful than being alone.


By anonymous at 21,Apr,12 18:58

you make me sick.


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