LIFE SUCKS

Lost...

So to start this off I'll say that all throughout my life I have been told that I was mature beyond my years and as a result of that I have always worried over things that someone my age shouldn't. I have been through a shit storm of...well shit throughout my life. I saw one of my best friends dragged up under a bus when I was seven before that I saw a three year old girl get hit by a car in front of me when I was like...Don't really remember how old. I never really knew my father but my earliest memory of him is when I was maybe three and he and my mother were yelling and screaming at each other then flash forward maybe a month or two and I'm being asked who I wanted to live with. Then seven or eight years later I meet him again and find out we are moving back in with him as he wanted to be a part of my daily life only less than a year later I saw him attempting to murder my mother in front of me. My mother said look what you're doing to your son and all he said was "Look what YOU are doing to him." I barely remember the event other than seeing a phone chord wrapped around her throat being used as a tether to bring her back up after he punched her down. I blacked out then came to momentarily as he walked past me scraping her across the ceiling and then slamming her through a 4-in oak wood table. I blacked again and... long story short he stalked us for a few months before we decided to leave our home city and live out in Vegas for a little less than a year. Out there got involved with a few bad folks and did some dumb shit for some CRIPS. Never really liked people so it didn't phase me much when I was asked to make people disappear, something to this day haunts me and the first thing I have ever regretted.

They say that the sins of the father will fall to the son and so they have. I have done almost everything negative thing my father has ever done(that I know of) and once my sisters were born I decided to change. I have always been somewhat liked mainly because I put up a mask of false confidence, pride, and strength when I'm really just a little weakling. Though people have always said I was intelligent I never saw it still don't. Flash forward a few years and I joined the Army thereby escaping either Jail or the imminent death I felt approaching. I deployed to Afghanistan after making some pretty good friends and have some good laughs during training and afterward for the few months I was still stateside. I deployed and saw a true third world country. Not minimalizing the bullshit and strife I've dealt with in my life reinforcing my lack of faith in both the world and some Idea called GOD. I saw hundreds of dispossessed and struggling people all throughout that country. I saw the results of the war that had already been made and the war that we ourselves had to go through. I heard one of my friends burning alive and was lied to; told that it was my imagination and later told that it was one of my friends that was with me throughout the majority of military training. A brother. I saw hundreds more of my country men die and shipped home of planes. Saw more bodies than anyone ever needs to in a lifetime. Out of all the death as a medic I saved a few lives. I injured my back and my knee on mission and struggle with the pain on a daily basis. 6 out of 10 consistently only broken up by the times it shoots to a 10 out of 10. Oh and I had gotten married before deploying. Needless to say that was a mistake as I came to find out that the woman was siphoning money from me the entire time writing fraudulent checks and bouncing them, getting arrested amassing court fees that I as her husband had to pay if she didn't; wrecking my car about 6 times and letting the guy she was fucking drive it around. Regardless I pressed on. After a year and a half of being homeless before the Army the only thing keeping me going was the thought that I would never need to struggle to find a place to sleep or meal again. March 11th all that was taken away from me.

For the first time in my entire life I felt like I belonged somewhere. I felt like...a human with a validated existence for the first time in my entire 22 years. I was inches away from being promoted to Sergeant. I was going to fly out the next Tuesday to D.C. to be recognized for saving someones life while coming off duty. I didn't need the recognition for during my job because for the first time in my life I was doing something that I loved to do. Help people. I had a ton of great things going for me finally and on the 11th of March I went out to have a few drinks. The night ended I walked home. I got hungry maybe two hours later and decided to go off post and grab something to eat. I made it back on post stopped at a stop sign with another car in front of me. The car acted as if it was going to the left and veered off. I pressed straight forward going into a parking spot directly in front of me. The driver then veered right back into my path and in order to avoid an accident I went left, the wrong way in this particular incident. It was a small parking lot so I said hmm no biggy. Parked my car and proceed to my barracks. I returned shortly because I had forgotten my E-cig and pack cigarettes. I grabbed then and started walking toward the my building again. An MP(Military Police office) from the building across the parking lot screamed AY!! ARE YOU OK?! I replied YEA! and continued the pursuit of my warm bed. The MP asked me to hold on so he could talk to me and me being an EMT thought ok he probably got some information on a patient that we had responded to off a 911 some time in the past. Long story short I got a DUI not for driving my vehicle while intoxicated but because I was in control of my vehicle impaired. Now all that had finally made my life somewhat valuable is going to ripped from me. Promotion gone. Recognition gone. Loved job gone. And son I wont have a job period. I will be out on my own with barely any money no job and forced to move back in with my mother and her new husband. To top it all off my birthday is in two days and I can't even celebrate it. This will four years in a row. First year in training. Second training again for the eminent deployment to Afghanistan. Third in a War zone trying not to get blown up. Finally now about to get chaptered out of the military. Oh and I should say five for the year and change I was homeless but the wasn't in a row so... Anyway I spend my days now sitting around reading a book awaiting any information as to when the rest of my punishment will begin and an outlook on how long it will be before they kick me out.(FYI there are Sergeants Major with two or three DUI's still in but since the economy is fucked up they are doing a huge drawback on the military funds and personnel) I was about to start college and now with no degree and no money I sit and wait for the final judgement but have to put on a mask like nothing is happening to me and nothing is stressing me. With a negative discharge I will never be able to get another career. Probably only able to work at Mcdonalds for the rest of my life. Barely able to take care of myself let alone a family. I just don't know anymore why I was ever born if all I've ever been able to do is fail and humiliate myself. I had nothing obtained something great and now have nothing again. The humiliation and suffering is just starting. Here's a toast the pile of shit on the way to suffocate me! I just wanna die... Nothing before but more disappointments and humiliation..... Gotta be a way to end it.