I live alone in a derelict, damp-ridden house with my obese, disabled mother. She's not completely dependent on me but I can't leave her alone for more than a day and GOD doesn't she nag and interrogate me. She nags at what I'm wearing, constantly tells me men are vile and I must have nothing to do with them, watches and questions my every move. I wanted to be a doctor and was at sixth form college in the nearby city doing the appropriate A levels... but I somehow got addicted to cocaine and I've left college after failing all my coursework. My mother doesn't know, she thinks I still go there every day, I daren't even imagine what her reaction will be when she eventually finds out. I've started fucking men just to get drugs. I'm anorexic. I suffer a pathological jealousy of my cousin because she's so thin and beautiful, and can't stop myself trying to jepoardise everything she does, even though we used to be friends. Worst of all, I have abnormal sexual fantasies of causing pain and injury to men I find attractive. The one time I've had sex for enjoyment rather than drugs, which was the time I lost my virginity, I ended up slapping the guy hard round the face and scratching him. I don't think he's told anyone but I feel like I must be psychotic. Even so, I still can't help thinking about it when I masturbate... which brings me to the horror of what happened last weekend. I forgot to lock the bathroom door and I was naked in a crouching position quickly doing the business before I made Mum's lunch. I was facing the door but not paying it too much attention and before I knew it it was open and I saw Mum looking at me in shock. I was too close to the edge to prevent it so I had a horrible, nightmarish orgasm looking her straight in the eye. Needless to say, the atmosphere between us has been awkward and uncomfortable beyond belief since then. Things have hit rock bottom. I'm spending as much time away from home as possible but it's all blow jobs and painful, dry sex just so I can trowel more coke up my nose and get out of things a bit. I'm sick of being pawed at all the time. I hate myself for everything. I'm only seventeen and I don't know how this has happened to me.