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My Life Should Feel Charmed

Posted by SuzukiJ at March 28, 2012
Tags: 2012 March  Relationship

By all accounts, my life should be charmed. I am successful in my studies, I am healthy, I have enough money to get by, and I have a motorcycle that I love riding. The problem is that I am trapped in a toxic marriage.

See, the big difference between toxic relationships when you're just dating and a toxic marriage is that you can never escape from your spouse. You can't just take your stuff and leave and never look back. There's paperwork. There's all those things you acquired together.

I've been married a little over three years, and for the last two I've been miserable. I don't feel comfortable around her at all. I can't talk to her about anything important without having anxiety attacks.

I put on 100 lbs in three years from being married to this woman. I don't hardly sleep more than 6 hours a night, and I can't think my way out of a paper bag anymore sometimes because I'm so tired.

My life sucks. The worst part is that I got myself here on my own. Nothing awful happened to me that made my life this miserable. I made a decision to spend my life with someone I love, and realized too late that even though I love her, we aren't good for each other at all. Go figure, right?

The only way for me to figure out that it was a toxic, codependent, draining relationship was to commit myself to a lifetime of tension, anxiety, sadness, and isolation.

I can get out of it by filing for divorce of course, but here's where it gets really ugly: I love my wife dearly. I don't know how to tell this woman I love that living with her is killing me slowly inside. I don't know how to ask for her to file for divorce with me as an act of kindness.

I'm tired of feeling constricted and controlled. I'm tired of being tense, anxious, and distracted constantly. I'm tired of wanting to jump off a parking garage at my university campus every time I go out to get in my car.

My life sucks.


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Comments:
By Cursed at 29,Mar,12 12:05

Dear SuzukiJ:
I would try marriage counseling. If she is willing to go? While in your session, you will both be able to "vent" your feelings with a MEDIATOR- your theripist. Once you've gone to a few sessions, you can both re-evaluate whether you want to be together= or not. Your therapist will bring out issues that have not been talked about between you and your wife, and as a mediator, will have an objective point of view-
If by then, you still can't seem to make things work, then yes, divorce is probably then next logical step. It doesn't have to be expensive. Life is a negotiation. My sister filed for her divorce, went to STAPLES, got the kit, and she was "DIVORCED" from her husband within months. No whopping legal fees. "STUFF" is just stuff. Your peace of mind and mental well-being are way more important than "THINGS". BECAUSE correct me if I'm wrong- BUT THINGS, don't necessarilly make you HAPPY. Good luck.
Cursed
By anonymous at 30,Mar,12 00:56

+1
(nice Cursed)


By take a look at it! at 26,Oct,13 08:18

aVrzEv Very good blog post.Really thank you!


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