Where to begin?
my dad used to be a member and custodian of a church, you know, keeping it clean?
I used to help him, i was 12 or maybe 14 at the time.
He used to regale me with stories of his conquest of women, i was impressed because he was getting all the girls and having sex with them. Incidentally, they were around the same age as i was and he was around 40 years old.
One day he up and tells me about the great times sexually, he was having with a girl i was sweet on and was trying in my fumbling way to have a relationship with.
He knew i was sweet on her, maybe he was trying to motivate me?
Doesn't matter, i couldn't look at her anymore after that.
During this time i was being mercilessly bullied at school, it seemed no one was willing or able to help me.
My solution was to play hooky (skip school) until i was old enough to quit.
which is exactly what i did.
A couple of years, lots of hard drugs later, I realized i was getting nowhere fast and decided to go home to the parents and try to get myself together.
I was 18 at that time.
Only to discover that my dad had been having sex with my younger sister since she was about 5 or 7. My mother divorced him at this rate and i stayed on with her for a couple years. The drug habits were hard to give up, so naturally i feel on my face again.
I decided that it was a cold ,hard world and i better get tough if i wanted to survive,,so i studied tang so do and everything else about martial arts that i could get my hands on. so at this point it is 34 years of unofficial training by teachers and on my own.
By the way this IS a condensed version of 52 years of suck.
I feel that i am quite willing and able to kill out of hand ,given the proper provocation, which i am more than reluctant to do and this has become a weight on my soul.
When i was 25 i married a woman who had 2 children by a deadbeat dad.
I wanted to be her hero, i know ,i know stupid reason to get married,it's not as if that were all there was to it though.
I'm a high school dropout so i got a job and learned how to do steel work,
Now after fighting and struggling to support that family and fighting chronic depression i find myself unemployed (laid off) with no prospects.
I have nothing, all that work was for nothing. My ignorant daughter has a child by a punk do nothing homeboy and there's nothing i can do about that either, i have only shown the tip of the iceberg, i could write a book, i have wanted to hang myself or commit hari kiri numerous times and have even after the loss of my house, committed myself to the hospital to stave off suicide.
It's enough to make a man cross eyed, perhaps i will either kill someone or succeed at suicide eventually.
To quote Tom Petty
"It just seems so useless to have to work so hard and nothing ever seems to come from it"