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displaced steel worker and husband 52yrs of suck

Posted by Mark at March 29, 2012
Tags: Family  2012 March  Unemployment

Where to begin?
my dad used to be a member and custodian of a church, you know, keeping it clean?
I used to help him, i was 12 or maybe 14 at the time.
He used to regale me with stories of his conquest of women, i was impressed because he was getting all the girls and having sex with them. Incidentally, they were around the same age as i was and he was around 40 years old.
One day he up and tells me about the great times sexually, he was having with a girl i was sweet on and was trying in my fumbling way to have a relationship with.
He knew i was sweet on her, maybe he was trying to motivate me?
Doesn't matter, i couldn't look at her anymore after that.

During this time i was being mercilessly bullied at school, it seemed no one was willing or able to help me.
My solution was to play hooky (skip school) until i was old enough to quit.
which is exactly what i did.
A couple of years, lots of hard drugs later, I realized i was getting nowhere fast and decided to go home to the parents and try to get myself together.
I was 18 at that time.
Only to discover that my dad had been having sex with my younger sister since she was about 5 or 7. My mother divorced him at this rate and i stayed on with her for a couple years. The drug habits were hard to give up, so naturally i feel on my face again.

I decided that it was a cold ,hard world and i better get tough if i wanted to survive,,so i studied tang so do and everything else about martial arts that i could get my hands on. so at this point it is 34 years of unofficial training by teachers and on my own.
By the way this IS a condensed version of 52 years of suck.
I feel that i am quite willing and able to kill out of hand ,given the proper provocation, which i am more than reluctant to do and this has become a weight on my soul.
When i was 25 i married a woman who had 2 children by a deadbeat dad.
I wanted to be her hero, i know ,i know stupid reason to get married,it's not as if that were all there was to it though.

I'm a high school dropout so i got a job and learned how to do steel work,
Now after fighting and struggling to support that family and fighting chronic depression i find myself unemployed (laid off) with no prospects.
I have nothing, all that work was for nothing. My ignorant daughter has a child by a punk do nothing homeboy and there's nothing i can do about that either, i have only shown the tip of the iceberg, i could write a book, i have wanted to hang myself or commit hari kiri numerous times and have even after the loss of my house, committed myself to the hospital to stave off suicide.
It's enough to make a man cross eyed, perhaps i will either kill someone or succeed at suicide eventually.

To quote Tom Petty
"It just seems so useless to have to work so hard and nothing ever seems to come from it"


Similar Entries:
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Life suck! March 13, 2012
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i live on maui an my life sucks January 28, 2011
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New Comment

By anonymous at 29,Mar,12 09:04

that's it im converting religions.... enough with the pedophile priests god damn it!!!

By anony moose at 29,Mar,12 13:02

It's funny how we're almost destined in many ways to continue the curses put upon us by our parents. Seems your dad is ground zero for the misfortunes in your life. And while you strove to be UNLIKE him, in the end, you ended up being taken advantage and for granted.
By Mark at 30,Mar,12 07:54

It's written somewhere in the Bible that the sins of the Fathers will be visited on the sons unto the third generation.

There's no escaping destiny, someone has to wear that coat.
If not me, someone else.

By anonymous at 29,Mar,12 18:53

you don't deserve this pain. IT ISN'T TOO LATE!

Jean-Dominique Bauby was a journalist who was paralyzed completely with the exception of his left eye lid. Through a blinking system he was able to communicate and write a beautiful book!

VINCENT VAN GOGH only sold one painting in his life time.

NINA SIMONE (hopeful) inspiration:

psychiatrists exist for a reason. to help you heal! to have an outlet

devote yourself t helping others? contribute. you have such power!

By anonymous at 29,Mar,12 18:58

If you're going through hell, keep going.
Winston Churchill

By anonymous at 29,Mar,12 19:31

That sucks. I thought i have it bad..

By anonymous at 29,Mar,12 23:16

My first comment on this site...

Your young sister... how is she now after all of that.. Why didnt bring her with you?
By anonymous at 30,Mar,12 07:40

She chose to become a lesbian, we have gone our separate ways.
I'm not disgusted or angry, I just can't give her what she's looking for.
By Mark at 30,Mar,12 07:49

that last reply was from Mark , not Anonymous

By anonymous at 29,Mar,12 23:27

There are four reasons to live. One, your own desire to live. Two, the love others have for you. Three, the love you have for others. Four, the hope that the desire to live, that others will love you, or that you will love others, will happen. If none of these reasons apply to you now, give it one year. If after one year none of these things have happened. Kill yourself.
By Mark at 30,Mar,12 07:49

These 4 reasons to continue living are valid and in fact are the only things that have gotten me this far.
Yet i find myself growing more fatigued the older i get.

One of the things i use to keep going is the idea that if i commit suicide, when i answer to God, he might say,
"what did you do that for?" "I had something great lined up for you"

By anonymous at 16,Apr,12 23:17

It's douche bags like you who kill others before you kill yourself that give gun owners a bad name. Seriously bro do the right thing and air out your skull.
By anonymous at 18,Apr,12 06:50

you must be that punk homeboy.

New Comment