My boyfriend and I have been dating for two and a half years. We met our freshman year in college, and we are now living together in an apartment while attending university. He has terrible anxiety accompanied with major jealousy and trust issues.
After a year and a half of dating, we were already fighting almost everyday. I think this is mostly because he was on the wrong medication, and now we don't fight as much, but the things he said back them still hurt me. We would fight about pretty much anything. Normally he would think I was flirting with another guy, or I was making secret hand-signals to flirt with somebody, or I was doing drugs, or if I made a mistake or forgot to do something important he would say I was doing it on purpose to sabotage him, etc. Then he would get so upset he would grab the sharpest object he could find and try to hurt himself, or he would try to jump out a window or throw himself down a flight of stairs, or he would punch the furniture, or hit his head against the walls, etc. Then we would get into loud physical battles over the object or me trying to keep him from hurting himself, but he was just too strong. Once he hit his head so many times that he got a concussion. In these moments of struggle, I often got hurt in the process, not because he hit me (he has never hit me) but because I would accidentally get cut by the scissors, or fall and get bruised, or even sprain my fingers.
Our fights would get so bad that our neighbors in the dorms often knocked to see if we were ok. Twice, they called public safety on us, and once the police were even called because I slapped his cheek to try to get him to snap out of it. Then we were put on a restraining order by the school and I was kicked out of my own dorm and forced to live in an empty room, alone.
Thankfully, we don't have those kinds of physical altercations anymore, but the hurtful things we say to each other still continue. For example, he has had a terrible cough for months now, and he has refused to go to the health center. So eventually I got tired of him not taking care of himself that I went online and made a doctor's appointment for him. He was right next to me the whole time, and he would answer my questions like "Do you want to see a male or female doctor?" or "What kinds of medication are you allergic to?" but the whole time he was also saying he didn't want to go. I filled out the forms online for him (they ask have you ever smoked? had surgery? take any medication? etc.) and when we got to the medication question, he didn't want me to write in the meds he takes because he's convinced the doctor will stereotype him for his mental disorders. I told him he needed to be truthful about his medication so they don't prescribe another medication can could have harmful interactions with his current ones. He didn't care and he insisted that I didn't write down the names of the medicine. So I deleted the names of the medicines but not the fact that he does take medication. He became upset and tried pulling the laptop away from me but I clicked submit before he got it.
He became completely enraged with me and yelled at me and called me a manipulative selfish person and I didn't want to deal with it so I walked out and went for a bike ride to cool off. When I came back, he was still upset and yelling so I went into the bedroom and slammed the door so hard a shelf fell off the wall. He became even more furious and so was I, so I went out on the balcony to try to calm down but he followed me, saying that I was being stupid throwing such a tantrum and being so violent. I was so upset I threw and kicked some things that were outside, and he said, "Come on, show me some real violence. I want to see you really get upset." So I got up in his face and said, "You want to see me get violent? I'm not afraid of you!" So he said, "Come on, hit me I know you want to." So I did, I slapped his cheek.He kept taunting me and daring me to slap him again, so I did because I was so furious with him.
I don't know why I got so violent with him, but I just felt like all the patience I've had with him, with all of the names and insults and accusations, I felt it all boiling up and I just really wanted to let him have it. I feel so much pain from the things he has said to me and all the times he has threatened to break up with me, and I feel so much conflict because he really is a sweet caring person and I know he really understands me when he's not blinded by his anger, but I just can't be with somebody who gets so upset with me. I have tried everything with him but some of the things he says are just so hurtful I can't forget. I forgive him, but it still hurts. And now I'm worried because all of that emotional hurt inside me is coming out, and I'm becoming aggressive and violent toward my lover.
All this conflict has made me think terrible thoughts about ending my life and trying to find ways to hurt myself. Today I was taking a bath and all I could think about was slitting both my wrists open and slowly dying in a tub full of my own blood. I'm really scared because I am afraid to tell my therapist these things, so afraid that I have been skipping sessions with her. I'm failing my classes and I can't even feed myself properly anymore. I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do.
Thank you for taking your time to read this. I would appreciate any comments. Blessings to you all.