Idek where to start!
k well I was molested by a family member multiple times and at a different period in my life raped/molested multiple times by a family friend. I told my mom about the family friend one and she told me it was my fault and got mad at me, I was only 8 and didn't know what to do, so I joined a church that said all my sins would be forgiven, and thought I wouldn't tell my future husband(I grew up in a strict church that doesn't allow sex until marriage, and that's the church I got baptized in when I was 8) cause if I married in the church he'd still be a virgin, and he wouldn't love me(I had the mind of an 8 year old and that's what I thought would happen if I told a guy about what happened) so I kept it to myself, while my dad left, I was passed from house to house, finally my dad(who was physically and emotionally abusive&cps made him take therapy if he didn't want to go to jail) my mom took him back, he was a little better, and they had me move back in. My brothers were in juvy/jail most of the time, stealing, doing hard core drugs, drunk most of the time they all dropped out of school, and my oldest sister whose mentally ill, she used to hurt me when I was little, the only memory I have from about 1st grade was my mom making me walk to school two miles in the snow and I got lost and finally I found the way and I got to school really late and was crying and the Principal got me hot chocolate and gave me a huge hug. Also, when my parents went out (back when we had a cord phone) my brothers were drunk and would beat me and my sister up, I couldn't walk by my sister without her getting jealous and hurting me, I'd try to grab the phone and call my parents but my brothers would take the cord in their room and being the youngest I couldn't do anything except get punched.
I held it all in for a long time, trying to live a perfect life, I've always tried to be perfect, idk why but if I don't I can't live with myself. I'm depressed and feel empty most of the time, I go from relationship to relationship and they don't mean anything to me, I'll stay with a guy about two months and can't care enough to stick with it, I'm scared of getting hurt. I finally opened up to a guy at 14/15 who seemed like my knight in shining armor, I told him about being raped/molested and that was the first time I told anybody, I cried all night, I pray to God that I don't have to live anymore, that someone will hit me in their car, that I'll get cancer or something. My friends don't know any of this about me, they just know I have a dysfunctional messed up family. My sister got married&the guy is crazy, I'll wake up and he's watching me sleep or something. That guy I fell in love with I was with for year and a half, he left me for other girls lots of times who would put out, I'm waiting until I'm married cause the religion. He fell in love with other girls then would come back when it didn't work out, last time he almost knocked up another chic. He doesn't realize how much I love him, like more than anything, and he's broken my hearts so many times, he doesn't love me. &in the church it says to forgive all the time, to be kind to the ones that use, love those who despise us, and pray for those who hurt us&I was trying to be compassionate the whole time but I kept falling for him, today he called, even tho I told him to leave me alone and am trying to move on, he told me he doesn't care and didn't really care all along and doesn't see why I love him, and I told him he hurt me a lot and I need to move on and he's like I just want to talk, I don't want a relationship, its too much drama, and went on about how he went on a date the other day with this one girl, then he told me I'm like every other girl cause I want to join the Army one day(I've always wanted to, honestly its cause I have a death wish, ever since I was like 14 I wanted to join the army) then told me I just bitch and moan and cause too much drama just cause I was telling him why we can't talk cause he doesn't get it. Now I'm like screw it, we can be friends if u want, but I don't wanna talk that much, and I apologized for causing drama&he told me I need to take meds -.- Which might be true, idk. He's messing with my head
I'm almost 17 now and I can't take it, my mom is controlling. I was trying to have a good day yesterday and my mom is depressing and negative all the time, she goes in these blank modes then blames everything on me, tells me its my fault, I didn't read the bible with her last night because I was cleaning my room and she told me I was making all the wrong choices&that I'm just letting her down. UGH. I'm trying to be patient with everyone, my dad gets abusive now and then, not as much. But he doesn't apologize afterwards and I feel like dirt. I have a big heart and I don't want to, I'm sick of feeling like this, I don't wanna feel at all! We're running out of money cause my brothers are borrowing it all from my parents for weed(one of my bros is a weed dealer) booze, gas money, and money to play their video games all day, they're all in there 20's and don't pay rent and don't have to do anything, but I have to be perfect. I lose all my privileges if I do anything wrong. I don't drink, don't do drugs, or anything bad&my bro in law can't hold a job and they moved in with us. Around my best friend and friends I act happy. Everyone says I'm the marrying type, I'm pretty, charismatic, fun, funny, bubbly and I'll make an amazing house wife/mother. They say I'd make a good model or hair stylist cause that's my personality/looks. But I'm so sick of everything, I can't take it anymore, I'm trying to hold everything at my house together, but I can't even hold myself together barely. I keep telling myself ''one day'' I'll be happy or someday I'll have all my dreams come true, one day I'll be loved, and so on. But I can't even get myself to commit to someone and I'm scared of sex/marriage/and all that. | |
New Comment