LIFE SUCKS

No friends or family related by blood

My parents were 15 and 17 when I was born. My father denied me and my mother lost interest in me when I was about 2. I was no longer cute and cuddly. My mother and I resided with my maternal grandma. She basically raised me in between working and gambling in casinos and bingo. My father literally lived around the corner from me and I saw him a handful of times. I was often times scared of him and cried when he came around. My paternal grandparents stepped up here and there. My mother and I always had a turbulant relationship. She was abandoned by my grandmother as a child and was jealous that my grandmother helped to raise me. My mother moved away to another state when I was 2 and had another child when I was 5. She would make it known that she didn't not care for me and would often tell me that she was responsible for my younge brother because he had no one (father unknown) and my grandparents were responsible for me. She took me from my grandmother at 6 and moved me to her home in another state. She would call me everything from worthless to a bitch. She'd beat me, ridicule me and make feel worthless. My grandparents would send me money and gifts and she would take them. When I hit pubert she would tell me I stunk and I was ugly. She also allowed men into the home while my step father was away. Id be left home alone with them and they would take me in the bathroom with them. I don't remember what happened in the bathroom (maybe its suppressed) I don't know. When my step father was home he would beat me and calls me names as well.

Needless to say I developed serious trust issues. I lack the love from both of my parents. The years of verbal and emotional abuse I endured would require a book. I tried numerous times to develop a bond with both parents. Even when I got married and had my own children I tried to include them. Neither one was present for none of those events. I'm married now with children and I try to stay strong but I hurt everyday. No one understands how I hurt. I'm grateful for my small nuclear family but I don't have the parents and family most people take for granted. My younger sibling and I have nothing in common and rarely speak. Maybe twice a year. My father has another child whom I never met. My mother is an only child so no cousins. My dad has siblings by they have no children... No cousins. No family to lean on. Due to my trust issues and lack of interpersonal relationship skills all my friendships crashed and burned. My husband and children are great but I lack outside support. People who don't know me think I'm mean because I keep to myself and people who know me realize I'm sensative and a little bruised and get tired of me. I feel love in my heart and I'm a good mother but I still feel inadequate. I question what did I do to get a family like this. To this day my mother and I don't speak and when we do randomly ( every few years via email) she finds a way to hurt me. She's in a nasty domestic violencr relationship and he has made her even worst towards me. She takes out her anger on me and blames me for her problems. Her husband hates me for no reason and has threatened to kill me and my husband. Besides my small nuclear family my life sucks and being me is not easy at all. Everyone sees me as strong because I work and have it together. But they don't know. They don't understand

Or they same I'm complaining because I have my husband and kids. It still hurts when I see families and friends together on tv. I share my life and experiences with no one other than my spouse. And he has friends and family so he can only listen to me. Oh well. I'm 29 going on 30 and I hear finding people to be apart of your life after 30 is like blind dating so oh well. I'll continue to treat this sore as long as it keeps hurting. And did the therapy, counseling, church, meetup thing. Still no family or friends.