My 6 year old son is severely disabled and legally blind. He has cerebral palsy. They have no idea what caused it and say that I didn't do anything to cause it. His brain is just...not right. He's like a 5 month old baby: can't sit up or crawl or scoot, can't walk, can't talk, can't feed himself,wears diapers, has trouble holding up his head, and has to be tube-fed.
The ironic thing is that when he was born I was constantly thanking God that he was healthy (we didn't know about the cerebral palsy until he was 6 months old). I hated my job with a passion, but I would say to myself, "Quit complaining about your job. You have a healthy child...there are people out there who have children with health problems and disabilities. You are so lucky he is healthy!" He wouldn't sleep and was incredibly collicky, but I kept on counting my blessings that I had a healthy son. Well, God is cruel.
He will never run around, have real friends, have a girlfriend, read, speak, swim, ride a bike, etc etc etc. I can't stand it. I'm so sad for him that at times I can barely function. I feel like a worthless piece of crap because I don't think I provide enough stimulation for him because I'm so lacking in energy.
I have always had depression, even as a child. I take medication and see a therapist, so I make it day-to-day, but I'm often on the edge of suicide. My doctors advised me to take prozac during the pregnancy..they said that it wouldn't cause any problems for the baby. They said that there are hundreds of thousands of women who take such medicines during pregnancy with no ill-effects. Every doctor he sees says that the prozac didn't cause his cerebral palsy, but I'm suspicious and feel incredibly guilty because part of me thinks that was the cause.
I can't stand to see normal children. I really can't stand to see other disabled children. My heart breaks for them. I have horrible nightmares and thoughts about children suffering and being mistreated, to the point where I can no longer watch the news or read about the news because there's always some terrible story about a child being abused or neglected. I have always had this problem with obsessing and worrying about children being mistreated, but now it's worse than ever before and it is a huge cause of my depressive episodes. I get so upset about things that people do to children that I just want to die because the pain I feel for the children being abused is so severe. The irony is that the depression caused by this leads to me not being the best mom I could be for my own precious boy. I'm lucky enough to have a husband and a mother-in-law who pick up the slack. I just hate myself and I hate god for allowing children to suffer.