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I am so broken-hearted for my son

Posted by sadmomma at April 1, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Health  Philosophical

My 6 year old son is severely disabled and legally blind. He has cerebral palsy. They have no idea what caused it and say that I didn't do anything to cause it. His brain is just...not right. He's like a 5 month old baby: can't sit up or crawl or scoot, can't walk, can't talk, can't feed himself,wears diapers, has trouble holding up his head, and has to be tube-fed.
The ironic thing is that when he was born I was constantly thanking God that he was healthy (we didn't know about the cerebral palsy until he was 6 months old). I hated my job with a passion, but I would say to myself, "Quit complaining about your job. You have a healthy child...there are people out there who have children with health problems and disabilities. You are so lucky he is healthy!" He wouldn't sleep and was incredibly collicky, but I kept on counting my blessings that I had a healthy son. Well, God is cruel.
He will never run around, have real friends, have a girlfriend, read, speak, swim, ride a bike, etc etc etc. I can't stand it. I'm so sad for him that at times I can barely function. I feel like a worthless piece of crap because I don't think I provide enough stimulation for him because I'm so lacking in energy.
I have always had depression, even as a child. I take medication and see a therapist, so I make it day-to-day, but I'm often on the edge of suicide. My doctors advised me to take prozac during the pregnancy..they said that it wouldn't cause any problems for the baby. They said that there are hundreds of thousands of women who take such medicines during pregnancy with no ill-effects. Every doctor he sees says that the prozac didn't cause his cerebral palsy, but I'm suspicious and feel incredibly guilty because part of me thinks that was the cause.
I can't stand to see normal children. I really can't stand to see other disabled children. My heart breaks for them. I have horrible nightmares and thoughts about children suffering and being mistreated, to the point where I can no longer watch the news or read about the news because there's always some terrible story about a child being abused or neglected. I have always had this problem with obsessing and worrying about children being mistreated, but now it's worse than ever before and it is a huge cause of my depressive episodes. I get so upset about things that people do to children that I just want to die because the pain I feel for the children being abused is so severe. The irony is that the depression caused by this leads to me not being the best mom I could be for my own precious boy. I'm lucky enough to have a husband and a mother-in-law who pick up the slack. I just hate myself and I hate god for allowing children to suffer.


Similar Entries:
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Broken! December 3, 2011

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By Cursed at 02,Apr,12 15:00

Find an excellent ambulance chaser. An attorney who will fight for your cause. There are lawsuits out there, here is a number right off the web: 1-888-662-3105 for Prozac induced birth defects. Become an advocate for your child and for expectant mothers...
I am so sorry for your circumstances. Be strong. Be courageous.
Keep us posted-

By anonymous at 03,Apr,12 01:39

What a struggle! It must be tough but pls. be STRONGER for your son. He needs you more than anyone else in this heartless world. Now that your life makes sense, you have no choice but continue on living despite the struggle. I've read the same story of hardship raising up a 'special kid' in a book and i recommend you to read some. They may give you a few valuable knowledge on how to deal with similar situation and handle difficult circumstances that completely exhaust the heck out of you. That's my two cents. Good luck.

By anonymous at 06,Nov,12 03:45

i know how you feel in a way. my brother has cerebral palsy, and while it is no where near as bad as your sons, i have had to watch him struggle his entire life with everything. hes 24 and hes had 17 major corrective surgeries since his birth. this has led me to research his condition, and from what ive been able to gather cerebral palsy is usually caused by a lack of oxygen to the cerebral cortex during birth. the most common reason for that is the umbilical cortex wrapping around the childs throat.
As for your struggle, i wont lie to you. Its going to be a life long battle, and while you may be sad or angry over your sons lack of living a normal life, at least he will never have to experience the evil of people or the cruelty that other children can inflict. My brother was tormented by other children, and he was fully aware of it.I dont want to give you false hope either but try to keep your head up, with the strides being made in medical technology your sons condition could improve. He may never be fully lucid or mentally developed, but one day you just may be able to hear him call you mommy
By anonymous at 06,Nov,12 03:47

* umbilical cord*

By at 19,Nov,12 21:50

The thought of your brother being bullied and tormented is horrible. I am so sorry that happened to him. I'm sending him and you love and peace.

By suba suba at 07,Nov,19 08:54

eT1PsZ Whoa! This blog looks just like my old one! It as on a entirely different subject but it has pretty much the same page layout and design. Wonderful choice of colors!

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