LIFE SUCKS

as good as it gets?

I definitely do not have it as bad as some people. (after reading some of those stories) Wow! But i am definitely not happy most of the time. Just about everytime I go to Meijers and stand in the line to check out I start to cry. It happens when I am driving sometimes. Everytime I see an attractive girl or couple I get sad. Really sad or worse, mad. For no reason. Imagine crying for no reson at all, or atleast not knowing the reason, in all kind of public places and also at my WONDERFUL house where it is just me and my cats. Atleast I have them. I guess. I wasn't abused when I was growing up and I can't think of any logical reason to be sad. Yet I am. I have major anxiety issues . Just the thought, LITERALLY, just the thought of talking to a girl makes me start to sweat and my hands get all clammy and my minds goes blank and I don't know how else to explain it. It is the, one of the, most uncomfortable feelings I experience or can imagine. I have OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And although on a scale of 1 through 100 I am probuly only a 50, maybe 60, it takes me 10 to 20 minutes to leave the house, EVERYTIME I leave the house. And quess what, the more stressed I am or the more of a hurry I am in (both of those , alot) the longer it takes me. So if I am in a hurry and then it takes me longer, then I am going to be even later, and so on. Nice circle. I can't imagine ever having kids because dirt drives me insane, germs too. Kids get dirty and it is part of growing up. But not in my house. I don't drink , smoke , or do drugs and never have. I can't stand those things, which is only one of the reason why I have, LITERALLY, no friends. Sure I have family, but you don't get to pick your family. They are not people that I want to associate with. The chances of me finding a significant other who doesn't drink, smoke, or do drugs is pretty slim, so I have given up on that idea. Plus if I met her I would 'lock' up anyways. I hate taking showers because it takes me between 30 to 60 minutes EVERY TIME.(OCD) I HATE IT. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT. I get mad, really mad, over the stupidest things. If I drop a pen or a piece of paper. Stupid things. Mad, as in, yelling and cussing. Besides that I never yell or cuss. I know this doesn't sound bad. I am not great at expressing how things are. But for me I hate my life. I did not ask to be here and if I knew a way to take it with out ending up like a 'veggie', I would. Who knows I would probuly chicken out at the end and not be able to do it.. I would like to think that I could do it. I think about driving my car into oncoming traffic or jumping off an overpass, but I am afraid I might not die. When I goto work, that is the happiest part of my day because I get to forget about home and who I am. Until someone at work says 'hey Robbie, What are you doing tonight?' or ' this weekend?' GEE THANKS for reminding me!I go to work, come home, feed the cats, read, go to bed, sleep, get up, go to work, etc. Doesn't sound bad? I could explain ever little OCD tendencie, or depressive symptom, or ever anxious feeling, but that would take to long and thankfully right now I can't remember all of them. Adam Sandler's song 'Somebody kill me Please' I want die, Put a bulet in my heeeaaaadddddddddd.