LIFE SUCKS

unique no one like me

i am 50.my mother never showed me love,she is till alive and i feel guilty everyday that i have no relationship with her altho i know in my heart it is not my fault. i have 4 adult children and feel that they are well adjusted but it isnt because of me that they got that way. i feel that they got lucky / are just good human beings. what i really want is to be all alone with somebody i feel like i could talk to. i drift from 1 thought to another filling my days with alot of pity. i have no friends and i feel unique in that when i say that - it is literal. there is not 1 person i can think of who i have in my life. i spend most days trying to decide what to do - clean the house? watch the tv? or read a book? until it gets dark and i can go to sleep. dont tell me to talk to somebody. it would not change anything in my life.