well its easter time and yet just like xmas and birthdays i only celebrate bymyself,these times are suppose to make us feel happy and gr8 but yet they only bring me sadness and despair when ur alone and unhappy with youself,i dread these days that come along why cant i just be normal like everyone else.
i struggle to see the point of gettin out of bed,i lay there and just wish it would end,i force myself to get up and look alive but deep down in my thoughts all i want to do is hide myself under the covers from the world,i think to myself what i have to do for the days cycle,i have no friends i have no hobbies or interests i hate steppin outside my door and confronting the human race,i dont talk to pple i look as if the worlds eyes are lookin at me in disgust,i find ways to convince myself to stay home and not go anywhere,i sit infront of the tv and watch dvd after dvd or play games on the ps3 over and over to numb the pain of normal life,i feel a sense of peace and interest when im busy concentrating on a game blowing things up killin pple it gives me the satisfaction and pleasure to do my own thing without having anyone around,i wander around the home thinkin of how bad my life is so i play music to cure my pain i listen to uplifiting trance and takes me to a place of relax and solitude i feel peace around me i guess i can connect to that form of frequency i feel good about myself and feel positive for that short period of time,then it all fades and i go back to my shallow lonely existence,i have trouble making friends i cant get involved in crowded places it freaks me out i dont drink or smoke or take drugs,i keep fit and have a healthy body,im not all that good lookin but have had many relationships but they turn out,they think im to possessive or jealous,but if u were ever cheated on you would know you have to be more cautious the next time so i find it hard to trust pple and will never find love again,but i dont care cause relationships cause u more pain than u think and u dont need anyone to make u happy,just be happy with youself but i even struggle to do that,making friends and meetin new pple wont happen at ur door step i know that i just wish there was an easier solution,but to me i cant find myself to get out there and do that i rather sit home and let the world pass me by,as i would be better off not to ever be known. | |
I'll let you know something about myself. I nearly despise Christmas. It's not becuase I'm a depressed person or that I am sad and feel sorry for myself. I hate Christmas becuase people have redefined what it really means by their stupid behavior. You're on the road racing to the nearest stores for presents and you risk hurting someone in an accident or cheat someone who really had the green light but you didn't. My mom and I were on the road and we nearly got in at least three accidents. You fight over the last doll on the shelves. People steal. People get killed. People feel entitled to receive presents from their family and friends. I mean....all this for some silly holiday?
In my opinion the rest of the 300+ days of the year are the most important. Once Christmas is over, people suddenly return to normal *rolls eyes*. The only holiday I truly enjoy is Halloween. That's when my favorite genre of movies flood the channels, plus i Love sweets and it's the best time of the year where the weather isn't frying you to death. Plus no one gets hurt, except if they engage in crazy cult-like activities, which I don't really hear about. So, if you're looking to celebrate these holiday, please understand that it's a CHOICE. NO one is forcing you to celebrate anything.
Don't struggle to get out of bed, If you wake up and start the day fresh by already feeling sorry for yourself when nothing in that day has happened for you feel that way, It is no wonder you will feel bad because you anticipate it. You have already prejudged your days to be hell.
You say you don't talk to people. So, it's no shock you have no one to celebrate your holidays with. When you portray yourself as this lonely and depressed quiet person, people will think that you do not want to be bothered. So they just pass you by. You also said you view the world as if people look at you with disgust. Who is telling you these things? You and only you are convincing yourself of this. Again, you anticipate that people want nothing to do with you. But you are doing this to yourself. You are not giving people a chance to SEE you as a positive person who does enjoy company.
You also mentioned that you find reasons and excuses to stay home. Again, you can't expect to create relationship by locking yourself up under one roof. You sound like you really need to to get out and experience people. Observe them. have a nice lunch or treat yourself to an expensive dinner. Stay updated with city events such as carnivals, charities, celebrity visits, concerts, plays etc. People are not out to get you and sure you may run into a few bucket-heads, but when you anticipate the worst, you end up discriminating against the good people as well.
In a way this post reflects most of my qualities. I am branded as an introvert, I don't like people invading my personal space, and get defensive when they get too close. I have a problem with jealousy, and a bad temper when in a relationship, which is why I have given up in being with anyone. I take out most of my frustration as you do, through games, music, and at times through poetry. What I'm trying to say is that, dont care what other people think of you, it is important in what you think of yourself. This post is in no way any advice, I am in no way telling you what to do in your life, that is your call. You just sound just like me, and it is nice (in some twisted way =)that there is someone out their like me. Thank you for sharing your feelings in this post, I find it easier to express myself in writing, it is a way on how I channel this inner rage, that almost burns within. It is good to know I'm not alone. Hang in there, if you want to chat anytime, my email is shehan_t@yahoo.com.
¡öThe Lord is good, a Strength and Stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows (recognizes, has knowledge of, and understands) those who take refuge and trust in Him. Nahum 1:7 (AMP)
¡°And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.¡± ¨C Phil 4:19
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16.
Do you believe in jesus? He can save you, he can change you, he isin't to far to save. Have hope for He overcame death on the cross. Believe in him, ask him to forgive your sin (and he will) have hope, he loves you, he is a friend when lonely, he provides when we are without.
Regards
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