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Despair

Posted by This Can't Be Life at April 8, 2012
Tags: Alcohol  2012 April  Loneliness  Unemployment

I'm 29 years old. I've been unemployed for almost two years. I graduated from college in 2009 and can't get a job to save my life. I work for free as an intern creating and maintaing a church website for a local church who treats me like I should be proud to work for fucking free even though my family is struggling. I fill out online applications everyday all day and usually get no response. I have been on several job interviews for jobs in my field only to be met with rejection. I am willing to work anywhere but I can't get a job. Even janitor jobs require at least a year previous experience. The last job I held about a month ago turned out to be a door-to-door vacuum cleaner scam. I have little hope for the future. I live with my mother, my sister and my brother and none of us have jobs. We are living off my father's life insurance money and my mother's retirement fund. I want to help out badly but I need a steady job and that is hard to come by.

I'm an alcoholic. The only thing I learned how to do was binge-drink in college. I became a huge binge-drinker and party animal just to fit in with my mindless college classmates; none of whom I speak to anymore. Since graduating college, I have racked up two DUI's. I was beaten so badly by a "drinking buddy" on the path last year that I woke up in the hospital getting stitches in my face. I am now an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous, which is my only social life. There are a lot of cute young girls who go to the youth AA meetings where I live, but I am a jobless loser with a damaged self-esteem. Although it is against the ideals of the 12-step program, I still smoke weed on a pretty regular, sometimes daily, basis with some of my old friends. I don't feel bad about this at all. Smoking weed is one of the only things that makes me happy, relaxed and content with my life.

I am still a virgin. It kills me because I know I'm not an ugly dude. I'm 6'1", I'm skinny, I look very young for my age and I have a lot of clothes. I also have a nice car even though it is pretty old. Many women have told me I was attractive in my life and many people say that I dress well. But I have very high standards. I feel like have let many opportunities pass me by in the past. I am naturally shy. I am also unpopular with many women because I'm mixed. I'm White, Asian and Hispanic. It is no secret that Asian men are not popular with women of any race in America. Even though I have the advantages of being tall, good-looking and unique, many people would rather label me as a weirdo. I live in a very socially segregated area of the country where Whites stick with Whites and Black stick with Blacks. I stick out like a sore thumb where ever I go. I was born into a very violent ghetto neighborhood but also grew up in the sheltered safety of the suburbs once my father got his act together. Because of this, I act too ghetto for most White people and act too bougie and suburban for most Blacks. I am a tourist everywhere I go.

I know my life is not the worst. But it feels pretty fucking bad when I see spoiled sheltered people handed everything in life without struggling for shit.


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Similar Entries:
my life feels like its over October 7, 2011
alone December 8, 2011
where to go from here March 13, 2012
Dark and Gray November 1, 2011
untitled story May 18, 2011



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Comments:
By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 15:41

Dude... It is not so bad... You are still young, you have a college education and you are healthy... That's huge! Just because you are unemployed does not make you a loser. It is a temporary situation. It does not make you less of a person. Work on yourself, your fitness, your self esteem... Get therapy if you think it might help. Don't think of what you currently don't have but think of what is possible. Get your act and self esteem together and the women will follow..


By anonymous at 09,Apr,12 23:03

Get a basic job in a warehouse or go to a tempory agency. Stop drinking and smoking weed. Its fun to party but long term it just going to lead to more problems.


By at 10,Apr,12 23:35

I can relate on the drinking part of things. Not sure if I am quite alcoholic (denial is the first sign right?), but I do go to it as my fallback way too often. Also understand the not having a woman situation. It is a difficult situation in the midwest of the US when you are 30+ and not already married with kids. The economy sucks, but will eventually get better and the fact you are going out and trying it alot more than most. I do wish you the best and hope things get better. Also don't worry about the virgin thing, when you find the right one it will work out and be all good. Cheers!


By anonymous at 17,Apr,12 17:25

You need Jesus, he loves you and can give you a new start!


By anonymous502.myopenid.com at 24,Mar,13 23:08

wow yeah i got two dui's and a vandalism and public intox. i cant find a job now neither cause i moved to this new location. i got turned down the other week from a temp company cause i had too many misdemeanors in a 7 year span of time. i'm still searching for companies in this area that will overlook that. i guess around here they are few and far between. i am white and mexican and raised in the ghetto. i'm staying with friends of the family out here in the burbs but just hoping to put my life together. i did manage to get laid though. that really sux. i think it's only really worth it if the chick is hot though. then it's pretty awesome. i would never do free work though. it's really hard to get a start when you have to prior work experience. just keep tryin dude. and find a little slut you can hang out with they put out pretty easy.


By smashing top seo at 24,Oct,13 17:53

LDh5SI Thanks for sharing, this is a fantastic post.Really thank you! Want more.


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