It's 4am and it's easter. I can't sleep and i dont even know how i got here. I read some stories and some got me a bit emotional i could relate too a few and it made me want to speak out. I'm 18, Male, gay I havent had the easiest childhood, but not the worst. I didnt know at the time but now i'm more than aware I don't think im totally right in the head. Me At the age of 8 or 9 my little neice must of been about 4 or 5? it's all abit blurry i have terrible memory she came onto me. my siters daughter! she kissed me i didnt know what too think at the time i didn't know it was wrong i remember trying to put my penis inside her, not even a inch in i panicked and didnt do anything nothing happenned from there. She wrote in her diary it was a normal day when i was 9 or so. I remember seeing my sister thinking everything was fine and saying Hey she didnt reply she looked at me with disgust my aunty was there, my dad my mum and my sister all sat on the sofas ready to confront me. Myself not having a clue what was going on i was so horribley upset i said yeh to doing it at the time i didnt know what i did or what happenned. Thats the moment where everything went wrong, i havent spoken to my sister in about 8 years now, god i miss the old times from what i remember i havent spoken to my neice either. I dont know how much of the family know i just dont like to think about it. I had to have several councilleing meetings my parents secretley set up and drove me too. I was so inexperienced about sex i remember the counciller asking, "Do you know what consentual sex is?" myself reply, " is that a form?" anyway that really screwed me over ive never been the same im not even sure if my niece remembers i missed a year of school almost i was never the same I think this also played a very big part in my sexuality and coming out gay, my dad is a very straight builder and against gays it didnt go too well. Needless to say hes changed alot now and were fine but back in the day he used too him me sometimes and also my mum. Skipping forward to 16 years old now. Left secondary aschool and moving to my first college with my best friend in september, at the time i met a "perfect" guy on facebook we met up and it was perfect i thought i was in love and i was. I dropped out of college in the month to move in with him. 4 months later the abuse begins to this day, the abuse continues we broke up over a year ago but im a bit of a punch bag i havent been the best boyfriend i cant help but too speak too cute guys online, there far away and harmless! but i just find it attractive. But hes had alot of issues and its just completley moving onto something different but he speaks to me like im dirt on his shoe sometimes and othertimes werre so good! He'd call me everything to make me feel bad, ugly, cunt, hydious, point out my imperfections he texted me 60 times in one day telling me to die telling me how worthless and shit my life is so I got so fed up and acted on impulse i bought and consumed a pack of 20 sleeping pills whilst on the phone to my best friend half an hour later not feeling so go it was all in all a horrific experience. I wasn't looking for a attention I guess i was just looking for an easy way out i suppose i'm not man enough to end my life. I don't want too but i'm a college drop out i failed all my gcses im almost a grand in debt i got so much rent to pay and i didnt even know it was possible but i'm addicted to weed and have been for the last two years since my ex. We would go through 400 quids worth in a month i can't even sleep without it, hence why im awake now two days sober. I'm not so much lonely but when i am i cant stand it and i go back to my ex, i have quite a few friends i wouldn't say im popular but im known around and everyone seems to like me. none know of the real me ofcourse no one does not even my ex who knows me the most Not to mention but since all of this has happenned i have horrible urges and terrible fantasies that im not proud of i dream of killing people its so vivid too not ? i have terrible sexual fantasies too of rape and killing innocents. What happenned too me? i was never this way. Once i was a pure child watch teletubbies and thomas the tank engine now look at myself. I'm not looking for a sympathy vote but ive never told anyone any of this crap! i'm just wanting to know peoples person opinions. Thankyou for reading, happy easter.