I kept reading these stories here and I realised I had many things in common. I'm 17. I have many friends and many good friends. I go to a very difficult school and I usually deal fine with stress but lately stuff's been topping up.
I live with my mom, I barely see my dad (I don't wish to see him more since he is a millionfaced person, a 'nice' hipocrit, with too many too big problems on his own to care about anybody else's life and I don't blame him for not caring).
My mom and I fight all the time and I call her all sort of stuff from bitch to whore to pile of shit.. just anything. And that's because I'm never good enough for her, she always says out what she thinks is gonna hurt me cause it's supposed to be a true statement about me that would pierce my soul and it's actually not true and I don't care about it and she then makes the face of victory. She keeps saying I won't make it, I don't care, I'm not good enough, I will end up doing ___ ,being___ and in the end I actually do those things, probably because she doesn't believe in me. Whenever I try to tell her something that means alot to me she interrupts me after about 5 five words asking me something stupid like what I want for dinner or she just starts randomly talking about something else like I didn't say anything.
I know I complicate stuff when I write, I will rather talk about a few situations instead:
P.S. I didn't make this stuff up, my mom has a letter from a shrink that she's a nevrotic intolerant mental.
1. I was in primary school. I was an overachiever, a great talented musician, a perspective intellectual/scientist and so on. Everybody always expected the best from me. And so I was expected to score somewhere from 115-120 points on maths competition. We got the results back and I wrote only 85. I was sad enough when I came home, but when my mom heard about this she acted to me like I was suddenly unimportant, not a part of the family anymore, someone to avoid because of my 'failure'. She barely looked at me and completely rejected me as her child. In two days time, my teacher found out there was a mistake in the counting of points and I actually achieved 117 points. Suddenly, I was accepted and wanted again.
2. I had mononucleosis and my blood samples were expected to get better...but they just didn't. So I had to go to the hospital and they xrayed my organs. I didn't worry much about it, I just thought it was my old, ill myself again, I never heal as quick as other people do.
So I came home and my mom was sort of depressed and I asked her something like what's up and she started yelling at me: WHAT'S UP? WHAAT's UP?? YOU ARE GOING TO DIE. DIE YOU HEAR ME? DO YOU KNOW WHAT LOW LEUCOCYTHES MEAN? YOU HAVE B.O.N.E. C.A.N.C.E.R. AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE. OPEN YOUR EYES, STUPID!
Half a year later, my blood is still under average, but better. I have tests only in every two months and doctor's have concluded that 'it's just me' not any serious illness. I would have had serious symptoms until now if I really had cancer.
3. I never knew what to give to my parents for christmas when I was younger and cashless. So I always made a 'masterpiece' of art. It actually looked pretty good. My parent's reaction was always the same. They laughed and said 'oh look, another stupid picture'. Then they put it on the top of a wardrobe. Two days later it fell behid it and about 10 paintings are still behind various furniture in our apartment.
4. I'm ugly and I know it. I have a big nose. Every time I stand between something my mom wants and her she says 'move your big nose so I don't hit it' instead of 'can YOU move'.
5. She calls me a magnet for depression. She calls all my friends depressed idiotic scumbags with no future.
Meanwhile, she takes millions of different anti-depressants, pain killers, sedatives, anti-panic-attack-pills and so on. Whenever we have a fight she takes another pill and gains power and authority back and tries to destroy me in every way.
Besides all this I am trapped in my own world. I have some ideals and ideas I fear I will never accomplish. I love day-dreaming and fantasizing. I adore different romantic/sci-fi figures from films like idk. Lord of the Rings, Star Wars and so on... but I fear I will never find a person that I'd like and would fantacize just as much as I do.
Many boys like me, but I don't know whether it is worth a try because I don't love them and I don't think they would ever understand me. They probably love me for the person I portray and that is a happy, party-animal, outgoing girl. I am all of these, I'm not faking, but I'm not always/most of the time like this. I did love a guy once, but he is a huge egoist and has many mental problems (I'm not making this up either, he confessed)and our 'thing' didn't work out. He was one of those people I could talk to about just anything (including my fantasizing). But I'm definitely not hanging out with him again (for various reasons).
I think most my friends don't get me and I never share my 'out of space' side with them.. just the usual chat or what happened in school and so on. I find many things (some homework, cleaning my room, watching out whether I greet people good day/evening...) unnecessary and I don't practice them so people look at me strangely and I sometimes get in a lot of trouble because of it. I also reject any kind of fear-respect or autocrathic based relationship so I'm not really popular among some sadistic teachers and other people given authority who abuse it.
I oftenly drug up/drink up myself to extremes, because I like experiencing different feelings I don't get to feel when I'm clean. For instance when I see stuff that isn't really there and I get very close to my dreams. I know for certain my parents wouldn't understand this if I told them, so they don't know about it. They know I drink but they think I'm just a stupid immature teen.
I love drawing but noone seems to appreciate that.
And last but not least, I don't like talking to my friends about all this because then I feel like I am a bore and a venting, complaining person and I don't want that.
If anyone read through this... congrats and thank you :)! | |
If I try to tell her something important she either
a) starts yelling at me in the middle of the sentence
or
b) changes subject in the middle of the sentence
No matter what happens or how you feel you must never quit on yourself. Our world needs creative passionate people like you. You are a talented musician and you love to draw. Don't worry if others do not appreciate these things about you. It's important to never forget your passions - these are the things that sustain us through the hard times.
Hang on in there with your Mum. I've had a similarly difficult relationship with my mum and I feel for you. I'm really glad I never gave up on the idea of having a good relationship with her. She is after all the only one I have.
Find people you can to talk to. You are worth it it. I ask you, would you not do the same for a friend? Would you care and want to listen? All my love Aunty Em
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