Firstly, I ought to give credit where credit is due, the above quote is from actress Audrey Hepburn. The reason for the quote is because it relates to my current state of affairs. Here's my (long) story: I'm a 21 year-old guy, a university student. Before the xmas period I started working with a girl and another student on a university group project, and me and the girl were friends for a good while and the project went fine. Now I have to make it clear, that I do quite like this girl. Ever since I seen her in first year first day, I had a crush on her, but it died down fairly quickly, as I thought 'Nothing ever's going to happen' - plus I don't think I would ever have the balls to ask her out or make conversation with her; plus I've learnt to make nothing of crushes. So a year and a half later, I was quite ecstatic and found it a nice coincidence that we'd be working together on the project.
Then xmas came, she had to go back to her hometown for the holidays, and we didn't text each other over the xmas period. I was absolutely hand-on-heart fine with this, as I felt there wasn't anything more than a group-project-friendship between us. Then after the xmas period, we came back into the new year 2012, and after exams finished, me and her started texting each other again. She text me more often than I texted her, but our conversations went on for ages, and because we're slow repliers of text messages, we had a level of understanding that it was ok for each other to text back really late; and we texted each other pretty much everyday, especially if we'd reply to each other the day after.
Last month, I decided to ask her if she wanted to go for a drink - and I have to stress, that I never do this sort of thing, so it surprised me a little when I decided to send her a text to ask her - and she said yes. Initially we made plans to meet on the Friday, but then because she wasn't feeling up to it, we changed to Monday; over the weekend she had family round from her hometown, and they decided to stay an extra day until Monday, so plans change again to Wednesday - now I was absolutely fine with the changes in the end, a little p***ed off as I hate it when plans change, but I didn't lose any sleep over it. So Wednesday came, we met and it was great! Drank from about 2pm in the afternoon to about 7pm evening, and the conversation was great, me and her had a great time in each other's company, and we decided to meet on the Friday again for another drink/s; she gave me a hug at the end of it, and she even text me about 5 minutes after saying she had a really great time. Now this was in the last week of term, before breaking up for Easter holidays, so her plan was to go back to her hometown on the weekend for the holidays. When Friday came, I decided to give her a text to double check if she still wanted to go out, given her track record of changing plans - and even I had a gut-feeling that we weren't going to meet. So I get a reply back, saying that she was being picked up a day early instead and couldn't meet, and she apologised and said that we'll meet again after the holidays; so I sent a natural reply back saying that sucked, and that when she gets back give me a text when shes free, and feels like going for another bar trip.
So the holidays started (about 3 weeks ago now), and no texts for about 3/4 days into the holidays. I start to feel really anxious and checking my phone every second, and thinking, 'Is she going to text me or what?' But I try to brush it off, and go back to the mentally before, where I wasn't really too dependent on her texting me - I mean this happened before where we didn't really text each other for a few days, maybe about 4/5 days maximum, and in contrast to now, I was fine with it. So in the end I send her a text thinking 'well why not?', stating that 'been meaning to text you for a few days and the reason why I didn't want to text her is because I thought she might be spending time with family, and that I really didn't want to disturb her'. And she sends a reply hours later, saying that it's really sweet of me to say that and that I wasn't keeping her from anything, and also saying she doesn't have her phone on her much so she'll reply when she does and when she's got time - so this makes me a little more anxious and a little suspicious as when she was at university she was texting me all the time, and then now when she goes back home, she doesn't have her phone with her much ???
So I try to think nothing of it, fair enough, over the holidays, back home and whatnot. But it just keeps getting to me that we're not texting as much when we were both back in University and especially after our time together. So in the end I come to the conlusion, that maybe I shouldn't have texted her, and that maybe, I'll back off a little and give her space. Last time I texted her was Monday night after I sent her a 'Happy Easter' text, we texted a little bit (and usually we don't say 'bye' or anything, usually I send her the last text, and that'll be the end of the conversation; plus we're not really on phonecall type of converations, we much prefer communicating via text).
But this plan-of-action backfired. For the past three weeks, I've been in a really bad and closed-off state, been going on long walks and been smoking again, trying to get away from my house and my family, feeling down, feeling depressed, and for the past three weeks, I was supposed to get my university work done, but absolutely nothing has been done. Because I've not been talking to her as much, it's just been making me feel really crap and like shit. I just given up on everything, and feel as though why do things change, and why the hell can't just go on like the way they used to be? And the other shit thing is, that I've felt like this before, where I had a major crush on someone and we were talking, and nothing ever came of it, and at that time I was in a really bad state. I feel like I have no-one, no family I can talk about my problems to, no close friends around (they're all off on their travels elsewhere).
Quite possibly that things aren't actually that bad; that maybe I'm just wanting her to communicate with me as much as we did before, and that I want to give her own space whilst she's back home, but I would just like to chat with her every now and then. I've been a nice guy with her - maybe a bit too nice?? - and she says I'm really sweet, and I have a feeling that this could go somewhere, especially the way she was with me when we went for that drink. She's the first girl I've ever asked would they like to go for a drink, and when we did, it's given me so much confidence in doing this kind of thing, and actually reaching out and making the effort with people.
So yeah, long story short, feeling crap because maybe I've given her too much affection, or taken a liking to her much more than I should have. I think maybe when university starts again, things might go back to the way things used to be, but I really would like things to go back to normal, and see where this could go. I just feel so disconnected with everything, she seems like the only person I've connected with in a long time, and I don't have very many friends at university as everyone else is elsewhere, and I just want my family to back-off away from me, and I'm distancing myself from them. Life seems so crap at the moment, and I'm only getting by through persevering, and just walking around my house looking at the past texts she sent me.
I wish I could just block it all out, and think nothing of my thoughts and feelings for her, and maybe just have a blasé attitude about it. I think the quote above really describes the true nature of my situation, that I need affection from someone, and that I do give too much away without actually getting any back; where I make the effort with others, they don't give me the same effort back. I don't know, life's crap at the moment, and this long story of mine is why. Maybe in the end I should just say to myself, be lucky that I'm friends with her and that life can always be worse. Easier said than done though..... | |
I'm 25. It's only been 4 years since I was 21, but I remember exactly where you're coming from, as I had only started becoming social with folks when I was probably 20. Feeling the attachment to someone who could possibly, maybe, probably, but also not really at all, but in some way have some small thing for me... is excruciating. To be waiting for some kind of sign or a sort of cue that things could go further... Heck, I even experience that NOW, but I've learned good ways to deal with that particular anxiety.
But with all of that said, I'd like to toss you a gem of advice that helped me way beyond where I thought I'd end up: Spend the time apart working on yourself, so that when she comes back, you'll have something to offer whether that's it's a nice body, or some sweet stories, or new ideas or even a little project dedicated to them. A person can only value you as much as you value yourself; if you're afraid that she's tossed you back as a fish (which I highly doubt; people's modes and habits change when they're back in home settings like you've said) then do something to make sure you get picked up and kept again.
Use the negative loneliness as a motivator to do something good with yourself. I suggest working out, or learning to run or something. Or work on a project dedicated to her. Learn to write poetry and share it with her when you two can hang out again. Just a suggestion. I'm an artist, and I drew a picture of one of my guy friends when I was going through a little crush phase and five years later, he still has it framed in his home even though he and I have long since stopped talking.
Bottom line is: Your problem is experienced by everyone, and in time you'll learn that it's not the end of the world. There will be NEW concerns eating away at you and this will be a thing of the past; you'll have conquered it :) Look forward to that! I think one of the keys to your problem here that you may have missed is what you said about ... having more confidence, "it's given me so much confidence in doing this kind of thing, and actually reaching out and making the effort with people." DO THAT. SERIOUSLY. SHE'S NOT THE ONLY GIRL. OR PERSON WHO WILL LIKE YOU. I PROMISE. Just put yourself out there. You'll be surprised. Go chill at the pub alone, take a book, look astute and intellectual. Make an image for yourself. People like images for some retarded reason, like the cover actually WILL tell them everything inside. IDK.
Anyway, good luck. You'll be fine. You obviously have a brain and a knack for language, and myself being a person attracted to intelligence...? Seriously a good thing going for you. :)
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