For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to end my life. I've had few friendships and no romantic relationships in my miserable 20 year existence. I've always felt isolated and alone, but have deluded myself into thinking that someday, somehow, things will get better. My only relief from my depression was the satisfaction I got from doing hard work-then that turned into the satisfaction I felt from getting high.
I was arrested this past weekend.
I had my whole life in front of me, but now I am looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. I might get lucky with the law. But I've realized that I'm far past caring-I realize how insignificant I am to the world. Nobody cares. Why should I?
I used to believe in something. Then I realized how pathetic my life is-sleep, study, work, use, and repeat. Sleep, study, work, use, and repeat. I don't have friends-I don't particularly want them either; I've never attained even the slightest measure of satisfaction from any of my interpersonal relationships, only disappointment and dismay. I've learned to expect nothing from anyone else, and recently I've realized that I can't even count on myself anymore. The only time I feel remotely close to happiness is when I'm wasted in one form or another, and usually I am alone at these times. I don't want to do this anymore. I have no reason to live.
I think I'm finally going to fulfill my suicidal wishes. I just don't want to leave a big mess behind, and trouble someone else to clean up after me. As a chemistry major with extensive lab experience, I know how to synthesize some of the most toxic compounds known to man. Methanol or cyanide would be easy to make or come by-I just have to hope I remember to leave a "DNR" sign on my corpse for the safety of the EMT's who may try to resuscitate me; there is no need for my selfish existence to end any life but my own. | |
This doesn't make you miserable or pathetic. From my own experience, it seems that feeling depressed is like an addiction. Sometimes I feel metaphorically drunk on my self-pity party as sadness is hard to let go. I can imagine that taking the next (stupid) step to drugs is not that far out.
For whatever it counts, here is what I think...
... You are not a failure. You are a 20 years-old chemistry major with extensive lab experience.
... You are not selfish. Otherwise you would not be thinking about how your actions affect others.
... You are not lazy. If this was the case, doing hard work would never bring you satisfaction.
... You can count on yourself. That is why you don't want to get wasted anymore.
True friendships are few by definition. You have time ahead for romantic relationships, it is important learning to love yourself first.
Put the gun down, leave the toxic compounds in the lab, exercise your mind. People do care, I cared enough to reply and I am just an online stranger.
Do not give up, ok?
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