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failure

Posted by anonymous at April 13, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Attitude  Failure

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to end my life. I've had few friendships and no romantic relationships in my miserable 20 year existence. I've always felt isolated and alone, but have deluded myself into thinking that someday, somehow, things will get better. My only relief from my depression was the satisfaction I got from doing hard work-then that turned into the satisfaction I felt from getting high.
I was arrested this past weekend.
I had my whole life in front of me, but now I am looking down the barrel of a loaded gun. I might get lucky with the law. But I've realized that I'm far past caring-I realize how insignificant I am to the world. Nobody cares. Why should I?
I used to believe in something. Then I realized how pathetic my life is-sleep, study, work, use, and repeat. Sleep, study, work, use, and repeat. I don't have friends-I don't particularly want them either; I've never attained even the slightest measure of satisfaction from any of my interpersonal relationships, only disappointment and dismay. I've learned to expect nothing from anyone else, and recently I've realized that I can't even count on myself anymore. The only time I feel remotely close to happiness is when I'm wasted in one form or another, and usually I am alone at these times. I don't want to do this anymore. I have no reason to live.
I think I'm finally going to fulfill my suicidal wishes. I just don't want to leave a big mess behind, and trouble someone else to clean up after me. As a chemistry major with extensive lab experience, I know how to synthesize some of the most toxic compounds known to man. Methanol or cyanide would be easy to make or come by-I just have to hope I remember to leave a "DNR" sign on my corpse for the safety of the EMT's who may try to resuscitate me; there is no need for my selfish existence to end any life but my own.


Votes:


Similar Entries:
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Total Failure March 3, 2012
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Pessimistic introvert June 8, 2012



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Comments:
By justme at 13,Apr,12 15:34

It seems from your post that you are a nice smart person, maybe a little introvert, who just feels depressed and made stupid choices.

This doesn't make you miserable or pathetic. From my own experience, it seems that feeling depressed is like an addiction. Sometimes I feel metaphorically drunk on my self-pity party as sadness is hard to let go. I can imagine that taking the next (stupid) step to drugs is not that far out.

For whatever it counts, here is what I think...
... You are not a failure. You are a 20 years-old chemistry major with extensive lab experience.
... You are not selfish. Otherwise you would not be thinking about how your actions affect others.
... You are not lazy. If this was the case, doing hard work would never bring you satisfaction.
... You can count on yourself. That is why you don't want to get wasted anymore.

True friendships are few by definition. You have time ahead for romantic relationships, it is important learning to love yourself first.

Put the gun down, leave the toxic compounds in the lab, exercise your mind. People do care, I cared enough to reply and I am just an online stranger.

Do not give up, ok?


By anonymous at 13,Apr,12 16:32

Life is a test, all you have to do to pass is live you life to the max... Have fun, prove to yourself how capable you are to live your life to the way you want... Good luck... And remember you can correct any mistake in life n da best part is the more mistakes you make da more cautious you get which will prevent you from making mistakes eventually....


By anonymous at 14,Apr,12 02:57

You have to sleep...you have to study...you have to work, and you unfortunately have to repeat, but using will fuck up your ability to find happiness. When I was using, that was the only time I was happy. But in the back of my mind, using created fears and instability. Drugs let u lie to yourself and if you don't stop you will believe your own lies. I asked the Lord Jesus Christ to deliver me from this trap as I was ready to chew off my own leg. He set me free and I am 100% intact and I have a lot more time now to do the things that are important to me. I am living more open and honest and I don't have to hide my drugs anymore everytime I leave the house. Because the shame of being a user was the very dark cloud that hindered my every step and led me to feeling like i just wanted to give up and end my life.


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