LIFE SUCKS

I feel very lonely

I am a High School student. Because of Easter Break (we had a week and a half off), I’ve been feeling extremely lonely. I don’t have friends in real life but I do talk to people at school. When I come home though, I am lonely. There is one person that talks to me sometimes, – because I believe we are ranting buddies – but she is not home and where she is, she has no access to the internet.

So basically, I’ve been feeling lonely for a week. I don’t talk to people much and my family and I don’t have a good relationship. The longest conversation I’ve had was online and it lasted about 10 minutes. Out of the 10 minutes, I waited for a reply for about 5 minutes and it took me a total of 2 minutes to write mine … so basically, it was a pretty empty one.

When I feel lonely, it makes me go crazy. I try my best to forget about those feelings but they always come back stronger. For instance, while writing this, I can’t stop crying. Right now, it (kind of) calms me down but I bet tomorrow morning, I will find it quite ridiculous. Anyway, it is the only thing I can do.

I’ve tried talking to new people online before. Unfortunately, the internet had changed a lot. Nowadays, people on chatrooms only want cybersex. They want to see girls get naked and do disgusting and shameful things for them. So obviously, the odds of finding someone that is willing to talk only are slim.

Before (well, a few months ago), when I would feel extremely lonely like now, I would send a message to a teacher. I stopped now because of obvious reasons … I think it is extremely inappropriate to communicate with a teacher when it comes to personal things, but I was so desperate that I did it more than once.

One other thing I do is daydreaming/”spend time” in my fantasy lives. I actually daydream all the time but when I feel depressed and lonely, I try to imagine my alter-egos being comforted by someone who loves them and cares about them (and the feelings are reciprocal, of course). Sometimes though, daydreaming does not quite work. My alter-egos might be comforted, but it just reminds me that I have no one to comfort me in real life.

And of course, I rant. And I can’t say it is the most effective way to forget about how lonely I am, but at least it stops the rage for a while. It calms me down for a while also. Like now…

I think I will go sleep and forget everything. The feelings will come back in a little less than 24 hours though.