LIFE SUCKS

I just need to talk

I am just gonna sputter this out. My mother was a very careing person who took in her step children and had me and my younger brother. The three step children had a mentally challenged mother and all was not well with them, they ended up in childrens homes and were brutally raped several times before my mother took them in. After she took them in they repeated those actions on me and my brother. My parents did not catch them for a long time and me and my brother were too young and tried but did not know how to tell our parents. After they found out what was going on my three step brothers were sent to prison and other victims in the area we lived had come forward, mostly children around our age and I was six as the time.

As you can guess I grew up with many problems from this issue, many people knew who I was and what happened and so did their parents. I tried never to let things defeat me, no matter what I was going to be a good person and do good things for people. At the age of sixteen I was raped again by another man and this person I was related to by blood. This time the incident was turned in immediately but also caused me to have issues with many family members. I was not popular in high school by any means but there were a few nice people that befriended me and I am so thankful for them.

My mother was a good person but their were a few issues their while I was in high school, and ultimately I became responsible for my families expenses, I was working 40+ hours to help pay rent, buy food, and cover the bills so I dropped out of school at the age of sixteen to be able to work more. I also went back to school the next day and got my H.S.E.D. I tested out immediately with higher score than most high school graduates. After I got a good factory job and moved out on my own I began to be more social and I met some very good friends and people started hitting on me, it was the first time I ever felt beautiful and I was about twenty years old. I was walking by the mall one day and this gay man yelled and hit on me and I hid behind a house from him. Cashiers in stores were hit on me, and I had friends for the first time that did normal things with me.

I went into the military and got married to one of those friends, the military was a bad experience with people and came be another issue in its self. I was a good soldier but I had received an injury and was out in a year and a half. After that I starting working as a waiter and doing very well, my tip percentage was 20+ and I saved money to put my wife and her two kids into a nice house and pay two months rent. I left her, and let her take everything with her so that she had things for the children that were hers from a previous relationship. I was coming out of the closet as a gay man.

My first gay relationship was a good start but had horrible endings. I am very monogamous but he was not and he gave me scabies. He also did things to me like lock me in rooms. He would go on fits and hit me alot, leaving many bruises I had to explain. He would do things like punch out windows pick up the glass cut his wrists and squirt his blood all over me and the walls. The next day he would cry and apologize and do many nice things. I would come home and there would be rose pedals leading from the door to a drawn bath with oils and a home made dinner for me with gifts. Then about a week later the hitting would happen and the cutting. He would also cut me and hit me in sensitive areas. He told me lies about having mental disorders and he couldn't help himself and I was foolish enough to stand by him, I thought I will not leave a person due to something they cannot help.

I was with him for a year so not as long as many people in this situation. I moved on to a few other places and just rejected all other relationships. I was a model for awhile, I was mostly a waiter and was happy. I was still a good person and helped people all the time. I donated to charities for children in bad situations and help people to the best of my abilities. I was working as a waiter in a small town and met my next relationship. He is very smart and scored very high at his college, he was valedictorian and graduated with honors. He buys me roses and gifts all the time and takes me out to dinner. I hate this because that money is better spent else where but I also love it. I supported him through school and we did have a few problems. He never really held a job so the bills were paid mostly by me. Every time I make a joke he and people laugh he finds a reason to get mad, if someone hits on me he gets angry, and so I stopped going out to make things easier. Also he had problems with any of my friends and for some reason they were bad and he never liked them, so one by one I stopped hanging around them to solve problems. He is a people person and easily make friends fast. He tells alot of little white lies and is a very good talker. I attended an online school for awhile but that fell through due to money problems but I scored very high. One class I had a midterm and had for hours to complete it, and he fought with me for 2 hours of it just hanging around and yelling so that one did not go well. One time he locked me in a room and pinned me to the floor and would not let me up.

Now he is out of school and hasn't gone back for two years, he will be tho. Still has issues holding a job but has had a part time one for awhile. He causes issues where he works and brings it home to me, I got him the job. I am studying to be a therapist and am having issues with holding my grades and balancing home. He is of very little help. Just yesterday we had an argument and he threw me to the floor, pinned me to the floor and held me by my neck. He tells me I am violent because I push him away from me and makes it sound like I push him down but that is not the case. I am not really sure if I am crazy or not. I am very much beginning to doubt myself again and really hating life. I have no friends that I can talk to and the few that are around he tells his lies to. He actually believes his lies as if they are the truth. He finds the most likely excuse to get away from helping me and then he tells me how it is my fault. I am now in my thirties and am thinking about moving back with my mother. I am writing this with a hand that is sprained from the fall, and a back that is sore from hitting the floor and a few scrapes. He apologized excessively and begged me not to leave saying that he cant do it without me. We have been together for seven years now.

Sorry for the wordiness but thank you for your time. I am running late for work thank god or I would be longer. I just needed to put this out there.