So heres the story, to a lot of people I come across as confident succesful. But the deep truth is I am not. I work all the time like crazy 12 to 18 hours a day so I don't have to be in my own company. I have no hobbies, no friends and am so insecure that I drive everyone away including my family.
I really don't know what the problem is but any minute I get to myself I imagine hanging myself with a rope. I want to love and be loved I think I have a lot to offer but I always chase them away when it comes to commitment. I have been lucky enough to have some great girls in my life actually three but I chase them away when it gets too serious. I close people out of my life very quickly if someone has done wrong by me, my pride or ego gets in the way and I don't talk to them, even if it's a slight wrong, it's like I have the inability to forgive and expect people to be perfect, and I know humans are imperfect,
I come home to an empty home empty bed and then just cry to myself have crazy images of hanging myself, overdosing, just ending it. And then I wake up go to work and pretend to be happy, everyone comes to me for advice at work and I seem to be able to offer everyone logical helpful wise advice but I can't even give myself advice and even when I do I go back into my sad lonely state
Financially I have become reasonably successful not superrich but I have missed 20 years of living and just worked 3 times as hard as any normal person, when people do try and make friends with me I find that they are in it to get something from me and then occasionally you meet special people who want nothing from me
I find social situations awkward don't know what to say there's long bouts of silences, but put me in a business meeting I think I am pretty good
Please advise am I depressed? Psychopath? Abnormal?
I really need your help and I have no one to turn to
I have been screwed over by a lot of people financially and I don't trust anyone yet I yearn to be socially accepted
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if you can answer what causes your insecurity, that might
help you form a more solid mindset by which to live.
What is your belief system .. is there any religion/faith etc. ? I'm of the Christian faith & it does help me deal with some of the issues you discuss ... but i realize it's not for everyone. That is something u might want to consider, if you haven't already.
I wish you well my anonymous friend.
The commitment part hmm...only you can figure that out. Why are you afraid to commit? Maybe you are afraid of being hurt or let down, maybe these girls you pushed away just weren't your type.
As for the long bouts of silence I find the best thing to do is listen. People love to talk about themselves. Ask a woman about herself and she won't shut up. You will wish for the bouts of silence.
Don't hang yourself. My brother killed himself and it set off such a chain of events that need not have come to fruition. You have no idea how your life intertwines with others. Just reading your story made me think and want to respond. It helped me.
P.S. Get a pet it helps with the lonliness. Besides a girl can't resist a guy walking a his dog. I love a guy with a dog, great chick magnet. Of course I love dogs. It doesn't have to be a large dog it can be a small dog, that in itself says, I am secure in my masculinity. Okay see how chatty some women can be, like me. :)
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