So heres the story, to a lot of people I come across as confident succesful. But the deep truth is I am not. I work all the time like crazy 12 to 18 hours a day so I don't have to be in my own company. I have no hobbies, no friends and am so insecure that I drive everyone away including my family.
I really don't know what the problem is but any minute I get to myself I imagine hanging myself with a rope. I want to love and be loved I think I have a lot to offer but I always chase them away when it comes to commitment. I have been lucky enough to have some great girls in my life actually three but I chase them away when it gets too serious. I close people out of my life very quickly if someone has done wrong by me, my pride or ego gets in the way and I don't talk to them, even if it's a slight wrong, it's like I have the inability to forgive and expect people to be perfect, and I know humans are imperfect,
I come home to an empty home empty bed and then just cry to myself have crazy images of hanging myself, overdosing, just ending it. And then I wake up go to work and pretend to be happy, everyone comes to me for advice at work and I seem to be able to offer everyone logical helpful wise advice but I can't even give myself advice and even when I do I go back into my sad lonely state
Financially I have become reasonably successful not superrich but I have missed 20 years of living and just worked 3 times as hard as any normal person, when people do try and make friends with me I find that they are in it to get something from me and then occasionally you meet special people who want nothing from me
I find social situations awkward don't know what to say there's long bouts of silences, but put me in a business meeting I think I am pretty good
Please advise am I depressed? Psychopath? Abnormal?
I really need your help and I have no one to turn to
I have been screwed over by a lot of people financially and I don't trust anyone yet I yearn to be socially accepted