Since the end of high school, i noticed i no longer hang with my groups..my ideologies have changed, i start to see life for what it is..and i started drifting away from my friends..a few years have gone by i see how different it is..i have made new friends...or so i thought..but it was a matter of time before i disliked their behavious and attitudes..
behaviours like...everyone sharing an opinion and having a healthy debate but as soon as i mention my 2 cents worth, i get shot down like no tomorrow and the personal attacks flow like crazy..slowly the whole group turned against me..i no longer see these people because they are NOT "friends", a few of them i thought were close to me but i was wrong...
there are people in my life as aquaintences...no nobody i hold close.. i always build people up and try to bring their best out of them so they can succeed and be better for this world..at work i have trained a few people and helped them become great assets to the team..after the become confident, they forget who was there with them all the way, i am not after recognition, i just want that human gratitude, friendship..the body language even..
i feel as though i am my own enemy in that maybe i havent built a strong persona for myself? but why should i need to when i am a nice guy, with strong ideologies and self respect. i dont drink, nor smoke..i used to play soccer regularly but i suffer from shin splints and no longer play..i love helping people, i love passing on what i learn to others, i promote happiness, i try to be better for this world. i try to put a smile on anyone's face, one of my best qualities is listening, whcih is why im very good at helping poeple..yet..i am lonely.
I have tried it all, being myself or being someone esle, but its too much work pretending to be someone you are not. dont worry this was a couple of years back..i have grown up since.
fact of the matter is im a very positive person.but im struggling to "BE" i cannot be around people that are "close" minded theres more to the world around you than the eyes can see and i just cannot be around people that cant are so "small" minded. i am not conceited. but i believe in what i know and i believe that people should be smart. my definity of smart means nurturing relationships caring about the person rather than the crap that they speak of..
its really heartbreaking when people dont realise the importance of one another and i am surounded with this, i dont know how to get out...it really is a world of survival of the fittest, in this context being my lonely self because nobody thinks im worth putting time into. i cant lie, i do have people that look out for me...but they dont form part of my immidiate environment..so..
i guess i am a lone wolf...but i will strive to be a noble one. the lonely feeling really kills me inside. i want to help everyone, i will help everyone, but who will help me? i really feel depressed inside..but tommorow i go back to work with my facade on...it doesnt matter what face i pull, nobody cares.....
maybe i am the one who deosnt fit in..