LIFE SUCKS

This is Me

Summary of my Life:Growing up, life was not easy at all, I know this probably sounds like a broken record; but I was the black sheep in the family; my mother would offtend come home in a "mood" and treat me like a punching bag,(I'm pretty sure it is because she told me at the age of 7 that my father raped her-I don't know if that ture or she was just mad but wa-la here I am on earth,) but now that I'm older she never recalls hitting any of her children. So yes I wasn't the only one who got hit, but from what I recall my sibling at lest had to get in trouble first. As we got older she calm down..Oh wait it because I started to leave the house before she got home. I was a good child, I always had good grades, sure not that many friends until 7th grade and I pretty much lived in the libary. Anyways as I started to grow up I developed a big attuitde and I was not scared to use my knowledge of words toward my family. So when I was in 9th grade I was in band and boy was I bitch, and I made sure I was never home..Why? Well anytime I was home the first thing I was accused of was doing drugs (which is not fully ture-I only somked weed in the 8th grade and that was because my dear brother, who is doing great now that we're adults, was growing weed in our basement, and that was the last year because when my mom found out that I was smoking did i get a beat and I swear til this day I have never somked since-I can still feel the burn on my bottom), second when I was home I was always reminded how come I can not be more like my older sister-who by the way still smokes weed and drink, but my mom has justifaction for that, my mother says "She doing what she need to do and is working". Good role model mom!! So I'm in 9th grade and this is when I started to party and not just high school party but clubs, frat parties, if there was a party I was there (Not the finest hours of my life, I'm soo embarass everytime I think of those days). However this is when I meet, ahhhhh, I still get butterfiles when I think of him. My first real boyfriend. We went out for about two years-and yes still a virgin. He and I didn't make it...I guess me moving to another city is too hard. I will never forget the day we first kissed-I was trying to teach him how to dance lol (he's about 6ft somthing and lanky)worst dancer ever but sweet sweet man. He has this humor that just always made me laugh and he always, always knew what to say to me when there was something wrong and when we kissed oh we were like the perfect combination; I think of him about everyday since we went our seperarte ways. And I never told anyone about my life ever, not even my husband, so i'm pretty surpise that Im writting this right now. Any ways summer of 10th grade is when i meet my furture husband, we first meet at a party then seen each other at a college i was attending, I was a k-12 students meaning a high schooler attending college-I said I was a good student and stil am. Education is one of the most important thing t me. Well my husband and I started to date and about three months later I remember talking to him about birthdays and we got on the suject of ages. Let me first say; how many time has anyone went up to you and was like hi I'm bla bla; what your age? Anyways to MY SURPRISE HE WAS 21 years old!! AT this time I WAS ONLY 15!! We knew we were in trouble, I should have left him then, i still didn't feel connected to him, but being a 15yr old girl who drank alot..free beer. I know I know that's bad, it hurts me til this day and I never told him that. We have been married for five years. I remember when i told him my age he told me he didn't care and he loved me!! Oh i'm pretty sure if you're reading this you probably thinking i said it back with no hesitation, but I didn't say anything..nothing. I just told him I wanted to go home...I couldn't tell him that, those words are so special. I remember my father telling never waste them because you can only say it soo many time to different people before it means nothing. My father and I were close, yeah he was abusive with my mother and they haven't been together since i was born and he was a drug addicate but he always had my back even though he broke alot of promises to me but he never hit me or told me I was useless. I'm not saying what he did was right because now that I am older we had a long converstation about how he was and i came clear how i didn't like the old him. If anyone meet him now though they would never believe he was like that at all. Anyways back to I love you part; no i didn't say it for a long time. When we were about to hang up the phone and he would say it I would just hang up. However, I did say those words once ...to my 6ft tall drummer. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were at his house watching tv and are hand we connecting like grape vines and we were just looking in each other eyes and he kissed me and he looked at me and said "I..Love..You..with all my heart" i looked at him speechless my breath was gone, I told him "ohhh" and turned away. Those words are soo special; it took me thrity nine mintues to say it back. I remember I looked at him and a smiled and he knew I was going to say it and I did "I Love YOU" He looked at me and just kissed me. Then we went on a long walk. I miss those walks soo much. Now I'm not saying I hate my husband because there was somthing there before, it just hard to recall now that we are always so busy. My husband is the only person I have had sex with EVER. I don't know how it happen, I didn't even say I love you yet. I think we were in the heat of the monment and it happen in my room in my mother's house. After I lost my vrignity he look at me a told me "you know I do love you". I looked back at him and cryed and said I loved you too, but I couldn't help but think of my 6ft tall drummer. Anyway things got sexual fast and I was only 15 years old.. and we did use protection, and well one day probably after our 7th time having sex i would say I ended up pregant because the condom FUCKEN broke. Yes I was 15years old and having a baby. AHHHHHHHHHHH.., I Love my son I'm not saying he was a mistake, I am I am I am Iam the mistake. I remember making appointment to have an obbortion before anyone found out, I was having my mother drop me off at school, then catch a bus, but on my way to school that day My mother and I got in a car accident on the freeway and the seat bealt tighten on my stomach so hard I was throwing up blood. Yep in the emergency room and that is the day when my family found out i was having a baby. My mom looked at me, called me a whore and didn't talk to me for three months. I went to the clinc the day after to have an obsortion, but he had a heart beat and I couldn't, and on that day I swore I would be the best mother I could be and I would give my son the best in the world. My furture husband and i lived with my mom, no we were not free loders, we pay about half of everthing. Which I'm not complaining because if i want to be an adut i was treaed like one. I had my son, i was still finishing school as fast as i can and my furture husband was working. One day I was doing my chores in the house my mother rush up to me and told me how stupid i was and yelling at me, i looked at her and I held my tounge because she was right, and i was no postion to say anything. my son started to cry i went to pick him up and she countinued on her rant about how useless i was. So I trun my back to her and walk to my room,something i never did before in my life, i was putting my son down when i fell my hair getting pulled and i nearly almost droped my son...i was getting pulled into the hall where i remember my head getting slamd into the wall and blacking out, i thought i was dead and i remmber waking up for my son i hear him crying. I open my eyes and she was on top of me beating me up, like if i wasn't her daughter, punch after punch and like always i never hit her back because she my mother and while...i don't know. I remember my two little sister crying and i finally screamed stoopppp. She look at me and i ran to my room and locked the door; my little sisters in my room. I told them the same thing "it will be okay and i smiled at them, It's nothing and I say are you okay. Then i would do a jazz dance to cheer them up. I pick up my son and told him we are leaving because hell if i'm going to let him see her do that. My sister left the room they never got hit so it was safe for them. And i shuted and locked my door and i took a look in the mirror, and it was the worst i ever seen myself, never has she hit me in the face normally it was the body. my hold right side was brused and my eyes was shut. I cryed like i never cryed before i cryed with no tears at all I had t be strong for my son, i was angery and i justed wanted to hurt her but i more angery because i was soo scared of her. I called my older sister to pick me up because my husband was working and he wasn't answering his phone. My older sister answer and said I'm bussy. She never help so i didn't know who to call. then my mother started to bang on the door telling me to give her my phone which my husband was paying for. I didn't know what to do..i felt like i was having a heart attack. i called my friends mom and my mother hated her-she always told me that that lady was telling me to hate her. She picked me up and took me to her house. My husband got off of work at 5 and home at 530 so i called him at 520 no answer i repeatly called about a 100 time. So I called my brother phone and he said my mother and him were in my room talking, i didn't how relationship worked at the time but i'm pertty sure that he should be attending to me. So i told my brother to give him the phone and i could hear my mother tell him "i'm talking to him she could wait". WAIT WAIT that is my Boyfriend. So he told me to call his phone and he should answer. he also informed me that the door was locked to my room that my mother was talking to luis in there. i called again and again no answer it was now 835pm that is 3 hrs of them talking in a locked room. WTF!!! I was now angery and getting the wround idea. i tried to clam my self with humor but my blood was boiling, why were they in the room so long. i try to forget this now. But every once in awhile i just want to attack my husband and my mother. Especially when my mother claims she doesn't know why we moved out. RRRRRR!! We endend up living with my furture husband's family. After about a month living there CPS gets called because they found out i was 16 and my boyfriend is 22, how they found out i still do not know, My mother, furture sister in law?? I do not know! So CPS come and tell me that there are going to arrest boyfriend because it is consider rap?? Rap when I said yes?? So by this time i forgave my mother already there is no point to hold gurges especially since, idk i'm weak!! Anyways when CPS told me they might take my boyfriend aways i felt soo bad i cried and cried and told them not too, she told me that there would a trile, unless off the recored you get married. so my boyfriend got off of work at 5pm; we got to reno about 9ish I reallly don't remember what time, so we got there and we got married!!! Well not what i really wanted as a wedding but hey I have to save him and it the right thing to do since I have a baby with him. My family clearly like him, he's a hard worker, honest, he loves me, and we can have good conversation, he very handsome very, cute dimples, but a womenizer, and to this day i only say about five sentences when we argure, he messy, and a video game freak. Not that bad compared to most men out there. So marrying him is the best thing i coulld have done for the furture of this family. We were in Reno and we were standing there and he looked at me with love in his eyes; he was happy, and i just starred right back at him, with my mother, step-father, grandma, aunt in the seats. And to be very honest I hated it...God I'm crying right now. I knew in my heart this was the right thing to do, but i didn't what to. I couldn't help but think of my 6ft tall drummer. But I did what was right; I just save a man life, I'm know longer my mother worry, I'm being a good mother. Giving my son a dad that we didn't have growing up and this will make everyone happy and that's what important is everyones happyness. I am a good wife I get up everyday in our house, clean and cook and about to get my BA in a few months, i'm able to hang my head up high because my hisband is a hardworking man and i'm a working mom and we are not on any assistance and i don't fall in the teen mom satistics and everyone so proud to know me and i'm joy to be around i make evey always smile, i'm the person that people come to when they have problems and i'm active in my sons school. And even though my son was diagnosed with autism very mild modrate. I'm the mom that is caring and clam and doesn't complain or drink. And I'm 21 years old and I act like a 40 year old women. This is me, this is me-a waste because i know that he out there and he moved on and he's in the army and he doing everything he need to do, and here i am married always thinking of him: My 6ft durmmer boy that knew me-The Real Me.