How can my life suck? What is it about my life that qualifies it to be here? Aren't there hundreds of other stories out there that are much more qualified to appear here?
What makes my life so miserable, hopeless and unbearable? That's it, though, isn't it? Misery, loneliness, hopelessness and days of constant agony. Agitation, difficultly concentrating, fear and longing. Feelings and emotions are what keep me in a constant state of tension, what make my life suck.
I'm on meds to hold a lot of the above at bay, but some days it's not good enough. Some days I can't hold my concentration in one place long enough to accomplish anything, some days I can't even get out of bed. What I want more than anything is to have someone to talk to, someone who, once in a while, would let me just collapse in their arms. I'm an unlucky sap raised on romantic movies, someone who has a deep fundamental, unshakeable belief that if you do the right thing, the one you love will be with you and you'll have that warm, fuzzy moment and then a happy, stable life. So it throws me every time it doesn't happen, if I fall in love and do this, that, talk, imagine, write, touch, focus, whatever. And then it doesn't happen, or it does, then it doesn't, whatever, it freaks me out, chills me to my core and throws me into chaos. I wonder if there's anything that can fix that. I want the cold, heartless outlook, but I just can't achieve it. One look at her and I melt, instantly, I'm nothing. There must be something. I recognize my dysfunctional thinking here - how do I fix it?
I want to feel nothing. I keep thinking about suicide, can that help? I think my survival instinct is too strong for that. Still I spend enough time thinking about it, enough that I'm not scared anymore.
But I don't know how long I can keep this stupid life up. | |
Secondly don't give up on finding that someone; the world's a big place and there are lots of corners, you can never know who's behind the next one. I love your romantic views, I think I feel like that myself, and although that can make being alone feel worse it'll make your next real relationship even more fulfilling when it arrives. Don't give up hope, just live your life to the best of your ability until she shows up, then life will be much easier.
It's tough when you're on different meds, you start relying on them a lot but remember that they only affect you physically, your thoughts and decisions are still your own so shape them well.
I find giving yourself purpose is the best thing to focus your attention, even if it's some mundane task like learning an instrument or writing fiction. Your post was actually well written, maybe you should think about writing as a hobby, if nothing else it might help take your mind off other things and help occupy your time.
If you need to talk I'm at feint_left@hotmail.com
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