LIFE SUCKS

I HATE HIM!!!!

My dad is such a selfish spiteful fucking CUNT! He wasn't around much when i was a kid, coz he knocked my mum up 4 months after meeting her and didn't give a fuck about either of us. Then my mum got cancer when i was 4 and he had to come look after us, and they got married a few weeks before my mum died when i was 6. I was at my grandparents the night she died and I was the last one to know! even my fucking school friends knew before me! First thing he did after she died was take down all the pictures of her and refuse to let me talk about her. He made me go to school the DAY AFTER she died! Then within a few months he got a new girlfriend who slept in my mums bed in MY MUMs PJs!!!! Then when they broke up he met this psychobitch and he wud sent me to my mates houses so he cud fuck her and play happy familys wiv her daughter. When i was 11, the police raided my house and i was sent to live wiv his mum and dad who hate me coz i "ruined his life".

the next day he sat me down and told me psychobitch had had a baby a year ago and he was the dad. but i wud never meet my sister coz she was put up for adoption after psychobitch tried to kill her then petrol bombed social services when they wudn't give baby back to psycho. then he told me the police raided coz he is going to prison coz he is a fucking paedo! I want to be clear: he never touched me. Only coz I'm a girl tho. He prefers little boys.

Long story short, I was put on the child abuse register undwer Emotional abuse coz him and the police and probation fucked me over making promises they cudn't keep and using me as a toy in their fights. On my 16th birthday he said I have 5 years left of his time and attention and showed my grandparents all the details of his plan for 5 years time and they are overly supportive of it. When i hit 21 he is gonna leave and never see me again. And i can't fucking wait for it!!

I now have panic attacks and I have suicidal tendancies. I self harm by overdosing and head bashing to cope. I can't have relationships coz i can't handle feeings and I think i have borderline personality disorder mixed mith depression, but i can't say anything coz he will say i'm attention seeking and make me feel even worse. I am barely hanging on right now, and his constant verbal abuse doesn't help at all. I dream about killing him im very violent ways but i wud never do it.

I don't know why i'm so hated by people who are suppost to love me. I don't smoke or do drugs. I didn't drink til i was legal and I'm still a virgin. I'm always polite and my friends tell me i'm an amazing person and all the other adults i know are saying its amazinf i haven't gone off the rails like most kids so i don't know what I've done to deserve all this. I'm 20 now and i still feel like a hurt little child and I'm slowly killing myself and all he can do is sit there and lecture me coz I didn't clean the whole fucking house to his standard.

Please can someone just tell me what to do to make things better.