Hello, my name is Daniel and my life is a big fat pile of crap. I find myself living paycheck to paycheck with so many bills to pay and three different sources of low-income. I get a very small paycheck from two of my really part-time jobs every other week, and I get a decent check from the government to save my ass from being eaten alive. It's really frustrating trying to manage three different incomes and the only reason I get the last check is because I broke my neck 5 months ago.
Which brings me to the next topic--I broke (yes, BROKE) my neck december of 2011 and life has been hard since. I am lucky to be alive and not paralyzed; however, sometimes I just wish I was lucky enough to not break it in the first place. Why? because I'm not nearly as fit as I was before, my dreams of being a professional performing artist have gone down the drain, everybody forgot about me and moved on while I was out of commission and recovering alone at my house for 3 months, and people look at my surgical scars like I'm a freak or they treat me like I'm fragile.
Speaking of scars.. I have been breaking out a lot in the past year and almost every pimple that I got left a scar. Can you imagine how many I have on my face now? Most of them are jawline and cheek acne, but lately I've been breaking out on my forehead as well. Not fun. I've been taking this problem very seriously for the past 3 months and made some progress, but now it is time for me to rid my face of these hideous scars that won't fade. I bought revitol scar cream online and think that this will have to be one of my "monthly bills" to pay along with my hyperhydrosis treatment.
Yes, that is right. I also have hyperhydrosis. You might be wondering what that is, so I'll just tell you. It is the condition in which you sweat.. A LOT.. for no apparent reason aside from your body's natural temperature, anxiety, stress, etc. Sometimes I find myself standing in the market in a line and I'll start sweating all over my face for no reason. Its annoying and quite embarrassing. Anyway, I buy these anti perspirant sweat wipes every month because, luckily, they actually work. Only problem is if you read my first paragraph, you'd see that I am struggling financially and it's hard to afford all of these treatments for my flaws.
Now there is my life socially and with school. When I broke my neck, it was literally a week before finals in December. So I could not take my final exams and need to make them up even though I'm not in school right now (the doctor wouldn't allow me in spring semester while I was recuperating). I'm just stressing because the finals are mandatory but the lectures aren't so I have little motivation to study at all or to spend the gas money to get to school in the first place. It's like if somebody told you, "ok you have 1 year to take this final at any time you want, but I won't make you go to my class". I mean seriously.. that's what's essentially going on with me and my classes. They gave me an ambiguous ultimatum, or rather, a window too big to see that it's a window. There is a month and a half of spring semester left and I wanted to take my finals at the end of this semester. So I need to study with the little incentive that I do have.
My love life is so bad. Every time I feel like I could potentially have something with a girl, it just get's stolen away from me in a heartbeat. Last year at one of my jobs I was the new guy and I liked this co-worker, but unfortunately not even a month after I started getting the hang of working there, she quit. I only got a chance to speak with her a few times and she was really nice to me. I didn't even see it coming.
The exact same thing just happened to me a few days ago. I was really interested in my manager (who is only 23 mind you) and we connected a lot a week ago. I found out that she had a lot in common with me (spinal injury, right-side brained, is a writer, loves things like dancing, and traveling). She seemed so amazing when I got to know her and my friend told me that she was single, but then a few days ago my co-worker told me that she just got fired by the district manager--meaning that I will probably never see her ever again or get my chance with her. I was speechless and hate the fact that I'll never get to talk to her and get her number.
I haven't had a girlfriend in a long, long time and haven't dated since mid-2011. I don't know why but I just feel like my life with romance is cursed and I can't get a girl no matter how hard I try or how much I try to "go with the flow" of things. Yeah people say it'll just happen but no single girl with mutual interests has every come into my life. At least not yet. 100% of the time whenever I'm interested in a girl, I find out that she has a boyfriend, is dating somebody, is married, is not interested in me at all, is going to move to a different state, quits our employer, or gets fired from our employer. I also think that its an ethnic thing. I am an asian male but am interested in everything but asian women, and I think that typically white, european, latin girls, etc. don't like asian guys even if they're extremely americanized like myself. I don't even look all that asian but I don't know.
I'm really just a lonely single guy who doesn't have anybody to relate to intimately or casually. I don't have a girlfriend and I don't even have a best friend. Everybody has their problems.. I just have a lot of things to stress about and am constantly walking on eggshells. I wish I was a normal guy with a normal complexion, a normal good paying job, a normal girlfriend, normal sweat glands, normal.. everything. I'm just so tired and depressed to push on.
I asked God for help but he doesn't seem to be answering any of my prayers. | |
Tell you what. It's going to suck. And it will probably take some time to get better. But if you promise to stay strong and keep telling yourself that "everything is going to be alright" and smile after you say it, I will to.
I appreciate that. Yeah I will try to tell myself that whenever I feel like giving up and will try to push on. I know that we are still young and have long lives ahead of us so I suppose that's something to look forward to. Hopefully all of our issues will be resolved and fixed in the near future.
Enjoy the parts that suck less
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