I know, once I tell you what is going on in my head, you will tell me to seek help... but I am passed that thing - I'm not going to do anything about it. I will quietly wait until something - something so bad will happen, that I will finish the misery. I hate life - every day of it, every minute of it. And this is horrific type of hate, the kind that withdrew me from friends and society. I am struggling - struggling to see anything there is. I keep asking why am I a coward to finish it. I think everything turned worse the day I saw death taking my love away - I realized the truth. I beat my self, because this is the only way I make my self do something.. not always but often. Very often I wish that my face would be horrific - so that people truly see what I am - from inside out. I knew I had problems - he, my dearest, had to witness the lack of my enthusiasm. Even though he passed away for medical reason, I know I quietly ate his life away. Someone, who was so full of life and happiness, living with someone who is dreaming about the death, will not last long. I lied to my self for t oo long... believing I can do it, I can change. But I didn't and I won't change...ever. I have no faith for life, I have no faith for people... I don't pity my self - I simply hate my self. The strongest hate there is.. if you'd be with me in the same room - I'd drain you.
I keep asking why do I wake up every morning just to wake up to another hateful day. And I can't talk... I can't hurt people more than they already are. Even then, telling won't change how I feel. There is nothing to life.. I do things which put me in to "red flag" folders... and oh, there is soon many of those.
Don't pity me - I see the truth, just can't accept it completely just yet!