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Tough

Posted by L at April 18, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Family  Health  Juvenile problems

I'm 18 years old now and for the last 5 years my life has been completely fucked up. When I was 14 my dad cheated on my mum. My mum has serious mental problems and needs help. Even before he as this he used to Physcially and mentally abuse me and my sister. She would threaten to kill us throw things at us, try to suffocAte us. I think she's got multiple personality disorder mixed with a number of other things but who the fuck knows shea just completely insane. When my dAd moved out she starting threatening to kill herself, shoving pills in her mouth in the middle of the street. While this was happening when I was 14 my sister was 18 my sister would just sit and play her video games like nothing was happening. While I was trying to help my mother. When i was 15 I started smoking, drinking, smoking weed, taking LSD and pills so numb the pain. Being made from a seriously mentally I'll mother I too was susceptible to the trauma she has. I become extremely paranoid I thought all my friends were Talking about me, laughing at me, planning to kill me, watching me when I was alone and worst of all I thought everyone could read my mind. It got so bad I couldn't speak from the anxiety and the delusions i was so caught up in. One morning I woke up from a night of partying and when I was walking it literAlly felt as if my brain had collapsed and hit the floor. I don't think I'll ever know but ever since I've never been the same. At 17 I went to see doctors about what I had turned into- a friggen nightmare. At the time I was also bulimic I would starve myself for the day and if I ate I would throw it back up. I was seriously unhealthy. At this time I was diagnosed with drug induced psychosis, manic depression, OCD but I don't label myself as a diagnosis. I am now 18 and my mother is still a crazy alcoholic who lies to me. She is so fucking fake. She's drinking herself to death and sometimes I don't care, she makes me feel so guilty about what's happened to her, as if it was my fault. As for my sister she's a bitch does t Care about anyone but herself. I have 1 friend and everybody else hates me. I'm recovering I have had a full time job for over a year and am nice to everyone but still people hate me. Why are people so cruel. Does it make them feel big? I have lost my trust in people and the world. Everyday I have suicidal thoughts but i couldn't do it. I don't have the guts. So I'll live this miserable life I have with the emotions thAt I deeply lack and I'll fake it like I'm happy and everythings ok.


Votes:


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Comments:
By anonymous at 18,Apr,12 22:04

Waaa waaa. Just do it. Your a burdon on society and would be better off dead. You and your mum should jump in front of a train together
By anonymous at 20,Apr,12 02:22

You should go see a doctor cause you will one day suffer from serious depression, having hate for other people and reading stories about they're suffering to make yourself feel better is just the beginning, trust me I know!


By anonymous at 18,Apr,12 23:42

The above commenter is an ass hole. Do not do it. Life sucks.I'm sorry you have had to go through everytHing that you did.but you can rise above it. Have faith in yourself.I'm sure everyone doesn't really hate you.


By Cursed at 19,Apr,12 14:27

Dear L-
Hey sweetie- I know it is hard being a child of an alcoholic. You've switched places, your mum acting like the child, you- the grown up. It's not fair. Not fair at all. Alcoholism is such a miserable disease. Especially if the alcoholic is in denial. But your not the "alcoholism police" and until your mum hit's rock bottom, there is no helping her... seriously, it will be like beating a dead horse...
Sounds like your sister has gone into "DEFENSE" mode. She is definitely aware of your mum's addiction and is purposely "BLOCKING" your mother out. She knows that she can't do anything about your mum's situation, so in return, she herself has put up defenses so that she does not get hurt. YOU on the other hand, have taken your mother's place... You are the "responsible" one, probably take care of everyone else, but that isn't fair to you!
At age 18, you are legal in the U.S. as an adult. Would it be possible to move out of your mum's and get an apartment with a friend, or perhaps your sister?
If you're supporting your mother financially, you are ENABLING her to continue her spiral into hell-
She needs to figure out that she is destroying herself but, unfortunately, getting an alcoholic to quit drinking, well, it's going to be a battle!
You're best to get away from the situation. Move out, find a place of your own, get roomates to share the rent, anything to get yourself out of your mother's control- where she would probably love nothing better than for you to work your ass off all day, and bring home the booze...
Don't do it.
Get out. Do it now. Your mother will need to pull herself together if you wants you in her life. Take her to AA if she is willing to go...
My heart goes out to you kid-
Be strong- and start living the life you deserve!
Cursed


By anonymous at 20,Apr,12 02:13

Don't listen to the asshole who wrote the comment telling you to end it! People like that don't realize that feeling good from others misery is actually a mental disorder and he will be depressed and suicidal himself one day


By . at 20,Apr,12 17:54

Life sucks. That's a fact. I hate my life. It's your choice if you decide to end it, but my personal opinion is that suicide is to physiological and psychologically difficult to comprehend and successfully carry out.

You are alive, and you have a job, which is more than a lot of people can say. Quit saying how bad everything is and start thinking about what you have, and what you can do to improve your life. Remember, if everyone was content with their lot, there would be no advancement or improvement in anything. My key to surviving has always been music. Listen to lots of music from a wide range of genres. Also kid, you say you're paranoid. You HAVE to realise that is primarily from the weed. Reduce the smoking or stop it completely, but you have to know that weed will make your head go haywire.

I love drugs, but they WILL fuck with your head and the way you think and feel about everyone and everything. I havn't smoked weed for over a year, and I've never felt so confident and capable. Do it! Quit the drugs and sort your life out. You deserve it and owe it to yourself!


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