Life is shit, I am 31 years old and still a complete loser. I don't have any friends and spend all my time alone in my flat on my computer surfing the web for useless things. I have never had a girl friend ever - I think I have AvPD, so it is extremely difficult for me to form friendships let alone relationships.
I think I am fucked in the brain as I tend to masturbate over ballbusting clips from films or porn. I watch too much porn on the internet; cumshots in a women's mouth, especially when they swallow or when they take it during a blowjob, are my favourite - getting a hard-on just thinking about it. I don't know how to motivate myself to make something of my life instead of always jacking off to porn; it is the only form of excitement in my miserable life.
I hate myself and always think about blowing my brains out (all the time when I am not thinking about porn), but don't have the guts to go through with it. My flat is a complete mess and I am too lazy to clean it. I want to live a better life or at least have the strength to commit suicide, but I can't seem to do either which means I am stuck in this miserable way of life. When I reflect on myself I feel so fucked up and ashamed of myself. Sometimes I pray to God (though I am not religious in any way) to kill me immediately as I hate this life or let me win the lottery - though it has never responded to any of my prayers, which draws me to the conclusion there is no God and there never has been. Now I just pray to myself to help myself, but even that is fruitless as I haven't got over my self hatred yet.
I still live in hope though that diminishes after each day, but soon the realisation will hit me when it is time to die, I just hope it will be soon!