I live in a fantasy world. My life currently involves sleeping and playing video games. I developed severe social anxiety when I was 13 (now mid 20's) and effectively have lost the will to live at this point. I live with my mother, no job, no friends, not even a license. I am chronically ashamed of my life and do everything I can to hide it. My biggest fear is being unoccupied; to let my mind remain idle is the scariest experience relative to the world I live in (let alone the real world, outside, that is something I haven't experienced in years). I have a deep inferiority complex that's hidden beneath a superiority complex that I can barley maintain. My personality is defined by my pathologies; my own identity alludes me; I disassociate from myself due to this crippling guilt that pervades every aspect of my pathetic little life. I cry myself to sleep every night. I am sadistic towards myself and hate myself at so many levels; I hate myself for hating myself because the reasons for hating myself are values that I cannot seem to shake which produces this cognitive dissonance which just causes even further frustration. Denial is my best friend. I don't even know who I am anymore, I feel like I live in a dream and would dearly like this dream to end but I'm too much of a coward go do it myself.