Iíll keep thing brief since I donít think I am breaking any new ground here. I am a 44 year old loser who has never had a girlfriend or been on a date. I am not Brad Pitt but I am NOT a complete freak or anything. I lack any sense of self worth or esteem. I spend my time off from work just killing time. Over the years, the few friends that I had have drifted away as they have started lives. I have brothers and sisters, but our relationships are strictly based on a formula of occasional phone calls and tedious scripted holiday events.
I live hour by hour, day by day and week by week in a pointless pattern of sadness and boredom. I am not saying that I am a raving lunatic or that I cannot function in society. I have a good job and am financially fairly well off. Most of the time, the numbness of my routine provides a barrier that insulates me from the underlying feelings of sadness and worthlessness. I stay busy at work and watch sports on TV. But I have always had daily occurrences where the reality of my pathetic, empty life bubbles up to the surface. I just push it back down and go about my business. I feel a hopeless nausea that is almost physical. It is getting worse and more frequent of late. I feel bad so much of the time that I know that I cannot continue on this way. I am not a quitter and not suicidal, I am just sick of the emptiness when I am surrounded by so many people having such fun!
I know that this is not likely to help, but I have decided to walk away from my life and start over somewhere elseÖ Wish me luck.