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I'm so done with everything.

Posted by kris at April 22, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Attitude

I'm so sick of everything, even though I live a pretty good life, compared to those in the ghetto and 3rd ward countries. I never wanted to grow up, watching my poor shy single mother try to live Godly and suffer, while other relatives did sinful and illegal things and had fun all of the time. I feel like I can't talk to her. She never knows what to say or how to give me advice to succeed in life. She never owned her own house, picking cotton for 2 bucks a day in Arkansas until she was 18 and then moving to the city for a chance. She has struggled on welfare and got her GED, then struggled as a cleaning lady, working long hours to raise her kids out of the ghetto, and still got nowhere. Her whole life has been dismal and she is in a constant depression... never helped because she can't afford it. I'm not in any position to take care of her like I want to. My much older siblings have done stupid things and don't care about our mom. They only see themselves and not us as family, until they need something. I fear she will die without ever getting that garden that she's always wanted.

My first ever bf has a disorder and doesn't see the sense in romance or even compassion, but he would never intentionally hurt me. I don't want to be with him anymore, though I love him and am probably one of the only people who he could be with. He is fighting to continue the relationship, but I don't see why we can't go back to being friends. When ever I try to discuss anything serious with him, he freaks out. I'll be a 30 year old virgin soon, and my bf is already one. He isn't aroused by me and is attracted to the preppy skinny, blond, and blue-eyed girls. I'm black and 220 pounds.

My best friend is gay and he is just so jealous, negative, and gutter-minded sometimes, it brings me down just to hear what he says about others. He's also an atheist and I can't talk about religious issues with him. But he is the only person who wants to have fun, yet knows the world is as screwed up as I realize.

My dream life is free from obligations, where I am not judged when I skip happily down the sidewalk with happy friends, making everyone I meet happy. But in reality, I'm too unhealthy to skip down the sidewalk and it's super hard for me to loose weight when my family and friends all love to eat out or eat unhealthy junk food. In reality, I work in HR, telling people that they can't work because they have a seedy background, even though I don't agree with the super strict regulations (stricter than most companies) half the time either. I hear people crying, screaming, and lost for words. I'm confronted with it daily, and I empathize with them. There are jobs I would rather have, but I'm afraid of driving, because I have a slow reaction to things even when I'm on foot (I'm accident prone). My job opportunities are limited.

As a hobby, I volunteer for a convention that I feel closely linked to. I helped with it's conception and after 5 years, it's doing really good. But, behind the scenes, there are power struggles, greed, and carelessness. I don't have that strive to be a part of it anymore. I feel that I'm torn. Everything I do feels meaningless and like a bunch of chores to be done. All of this makes me feel alone, even though I have family and friends. All of this makes me shrug and say what's the sense in trying, when trying isn't going to take me anywhere I want to be.

Since elementary school, I have felt the same way, and people respond with "be thankful for what you have." I may love my family and friends, but I don't like them much anymore. I may go to work and struggle to pay the bills, but I don't want anything that I pay for... aside from this internet, which usually helps me forget about my life for a little while, but even that is not helping much anymore. And after all of this, I still can't commit suicide, because I love God and would never want to hurt my family, bf, or friends. So, instead, I'll keep going blind down this road...hoping that God has something better in store for me, than he seems to have for my mother. But God never promised that life would be easy, nor did he promise that his plans would be in our own best interests.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 22,Apr,12 20:23

All I can say is that God is everything. Don't give uo because, thanks be to God, someday we will die. When we die that wilk be the end of it so help others, be grateful, and give without hoping for something in return....God will reward you even if it isn't in this life
My prays are with you
Stay strong


By TERRY at 27,Dec,16 14:53

I hate my life but at least this makes it beblaare.


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