I am 35 years old. I never had a paying job, don't have an education besides high school, and have been diagnosed as mentaly disabled thoughout my whole life. My dad was verbaly abusive to me calling me abnormal and such. I never had any close friends in school, and I had more people making fun of me than caring. I've had clinical depression for decades now and even with powerful medication, dosen't seem to be going away. I try to go out and take walks, but it only solves it temporarly.
I am worried about losing my apartment because I have trouble keeping it clean and they do inspections of the unit every month. There is soot from deisel trucks that comes into my apartment which just adds to the misery. I feel like my life is stagnated (no job) and it feels like it's going to go to hell at any minute. There is another inspection comming up, and I feel my apartment is no where clean enough to deal with it. I've always had problems with cleaning and it seems like it has gotten to the point where it is just too overwhelming. Thankfuly, there is not much clutter, but it's stuff like stains on the wall, stuff like that.
I've been praying to God for the past month to please end my life. I don't want to commit suicide (fears of hell+scared to do it), but I don't want to go on anymore, at least not like this. I've been thinking of saying "f-it" and going to Philadelphia, and staying in a homeless shelter there, starting fresh and maybe getting my life back on track but I really don't know what to do anymore.