Growing up for me had its ups and downs. You were never bored as there was always work to be done living on a farm. I’m the oldest of four, but now there is only three. My youngest sister died at the tender age of nine months- Sudden Infant Death Syndrome or SIDS. It was the day after Christmas when my mom found Sophie dead in her crib. The scene still imprinted in my brain- my mom wailing hysterically on the floor over her little body- everyone, the paramedics, police, all standing around unsure of what to do…. My dad cornered me in the bathroom, his eyes bloodshot: “We have to be strong and get through this”. It took YEARS for my mother to return to a “normal” state of mind. Sophie’s death almost tore the family apart. When I turned 18, I rebelled, moved in with my Uncle so I could grow weed and hang out with my friends without a curfew. There were strings attached. I was lying on the front lawn sunbathing when the first episodes started. First there would be a “massage” then eventually at night came the blow job demands. I moved out soon after, living from boyfriend to boyfriend until I graduated from highschool. After graduation, I moved out West, worked for a ski area and can honestly say that it was the happiest time of my life… The molestations were tucked far away in the back of the closet… Eventually though, I moved back to my hometown. I rarely saw my Uncle, it was always awkward. He was my father’s brother for god’s sake- I couldn’t say anything, or else my father would kill him. But as luck would have it, death found my Uncle sooner rather than later. The line of State Trooper’s cars signaled his death. He had purposely chopped off his legs behind the barn with a skill saw. He wanted it to look like an accident, but the coroner’s report blew a hole in his plan. As revenge, a mysterious fire started in the barn four months later- it burnt to the ground, all 150 year’s worth of history, belongings, tractors, hay, farm equipment- all gone up in flames in less than an hour. There was no insurance and my dad was in ruins- his whole life’s worth was in that barn. Gone in less time that it takes to make dinner. To this day, I still don’t know how he got through it….
After that, I ran away. I met an older man on a plane ride out to visit a friend in Utah. I was 29, he was 55. Wealthy, and amazingly humble- he took me to Hawaii where he owned a winery. He spoiled me rotten, bought me a pair of fake boobs, and sent me packing back home with $10,000 dollars in my pocket. He was eventually killed in the 9/11 attacks in NY, a tragic ending for a generous and kind man. I paid off my credit card debt with that money- the only hand-out that I have ever received. After that whole experience, I got tangled up in shitty relationship after shitty relationship. Maybe it was the boobs? Maybe it was my bad luck? The boys would treat me like shit- control me with finances, beat on me, drag me by my hair, emotionally abuse me, whatever method they could use to beat me down, they tried it… I drank like a fish, gained weight, stressed about what I would do with my life as no solution seemed to hit me over the head. I went to college- got a degree and STILL found myself searching for employment. I took classes to become a nurse, and luckily have had gainful employment in that field ever since- However, bad luck follows me, and after working in a hospital for three years, they fired me because I filled out workman’s comp shortly after fracturing my ankle. I had become a liability to the “Corporation” and they canned me. Currently in debt from school loans, credit cards, car insurance, DWI expenses, rent, living expenses- it never seems to stop! I’ve tried to stay positive but I feel like such a failure. I’m forty, looking ahead, I wonder- “who will take care of me when I’m 80?” How will I ever be able to save enough money for when I am old and can no longer take care of myself? I can barely pay my bills now and I am working! I read people’s posts while at work- as there seems to be some comfort in commiserating with others…. But at the end of the day, I go home alone, turn on the TV, and zone out, waiting for something better, knowing though, that things will probably only get worse-
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Thanks for sharing. It might sound silly, but have you ever thought about writing your biography? Once one delves into the massive paragraph of your post, it has a very nice flow to it. Your downs make my own problems blush, but you have managed to convey the whole story in an entertaining way.
In any case, someone as kind as you seem to be (always having a nice word for everyone) deserves better. So hang in there and stay positive. I'm cheering for a change for better in your life. And I bet most people here feel the same way, not justme.
Best wishes my friend- and your kind comment:)
Cursed
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