I'm a 26 year old woman. Tall, slim, pretty in my own way I guess.
I moved to a new city to take a job I really wanted.
I had to break up with my partner of nearly 10 years and leave the home we had made together and our two cats who were important parts of my life.
I was so broken when I got here but I tried to hold my head up and I tried hard not to focus on my fears and hurt that I probably didn't deal with it properly.
Now 6 months later I realise I have only made one friend who is often busy with her husband and children.
Some of my workmates I think actively don't like me. It puts my on edge at work and ruins what is my only social interactive apart from the supermarket.
I can go days without speaking to anyone. Sometimes I buy things at the mall to feel a part of something but really I hate shopping and can't afford it.
In desperation for some sort of human contact I went online dating. Met a guy and immediately went out with him and had sex with him. We did this weekly for about 6 weeks- always on his terms- always mostly about the sex. I know I was a booty call but I was always counting down the days until I could see him again so I had someone to pass the time with, someone to touch, someone to touch me. Often he was the only person to ask me in a week how I was.
I had a flat with a girl who hardly spoke to me so I moved again. The new flatmates speak to me when there is noone else around but they have their own active social lives and don't involve me in them. When their friends come over I just go to my room because they don't want me there.
My ex-partner was my best friend and I often wish I could call him because I know he would understand but I know that's not fair on him since I left him.
I mostly push out the lonely from my mind but some days it just creeps up on me. More and more often now it seems.
Is this how it is going to be forever? I feel like I am stuck in a cycle because potential friends can SMELL the desparation on me and I can no longer act normal around people.
I don't sleep, I just quietly drink myself into a coma. I've lost 10kgs since moving here even though I haven't been dieting but instead drinking heaps of alcohol. Not to mention I have a constantly sore body and headaches.
God I feel like such a loser.