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On the outside

Posted by anonymous at April 24, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Loneliness

I'm a 26 year old woman. Tall, slim, pretty in my own way I guess.
I moved to a new city to take a job I really wanted.
I had to break up with my partner of nearly 10 years and leave the home we had made together and our two cats who were important parts of my life.

I was so broken when I got here but I tried to hold my head up and I tried hard not to focus on my fears and hurt that I probably didn't deal with it properly.

Now 6 months later I realise I have only made one friend who is often busy with her husband and children.

Some of my workmates I think actively don't like me. It puts my on edge at work and ruins what is my only social interactive apart from the supermarket.

I can go days without speaking to anyone. Sometimes I buy things at the mall to feel a part of something but really I hate shopping and can't afford it.

In desperation for some sort of human contact I went online dating. Met a guy and immediately went out with him and had sex with him. We did this weekly for about 6 weeks- always on his terms- always mostly about the sex. I know I was a booty call but I was always counting down the days until I could see him again so I had someone to pass the time with, someone to touch, someone to touch me. Often he was the only person to ask me in a week how I was.


I had a flat with a girl who hardly spoke to me so I moved again. The new flatmates speak to me when there is noone else around but they have their own active social lives and don't involve me in them. When their friends come over I just go to my room because they don't want me there.

My ex-partner was my best friend and I often wish I could call him because I know he would understand but I know that's not fair on him since I left him.

I mostly push out the lonely from my mind but some days it just creeps up on me. More and more often now it seems.

Is this how it is going to be forever? I feel like I am stuck in a cycle because potential friends can SMELL the desparation on me and I can no longer act normal around people.

I don't sleep, I just quietly drink myself into a coma. I've lost 10kgs since moving here even though I haven't been dieting but instead drinking heaps of alcohol. Not to mention I have a constantly sore body and headaches.

God I feel like such a loser.



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Comments:
By anonymous at 24,Apr,12 11:32

what u gave up back at home was worth more than this so called job u really wanted.
It seems like you are willing to pay a price with the devil for this job.
And what job is this if you cant even afford to shop?
I think you have lost your senses.... well loneliness sucks but then again you had all that and gave it up for a job that wont even let you have your own apt and get you a shopping spree..
For me you must have lost your mind and intergrity!
gluck ill pray for you...


By anonymous at 24,Apr,12 13:05

literally call me! whats ur email address?

female, 23 yr old, caring person!
By anonymous at 28,Apr,12 13:51

Sure u r,,,,scammer...


By at 24,Apr,12 13:08

dont get stuck in that cyrcel as you said add me on facebook i think that i can help you
By anonymous at 24,Apr,12 13:14

* be careful of adding strangers on facebook
By anonymous at 24,Apr,12 13:28

what can happen ...... Its not a big deal i really like to help ppl and have new friends


By anonymous at 24,Apr,12 13:21

tarik.nekrache@gmail.com for my facebook its tarik nekrache im 25....


By anonymous at 24,Apr,12 15:09

I don't know how it's like to be alone in a new city but I know tons about feeling lonely, not being able to tell people how you feel, lonely drinking, using sex to not feel lonely etc. I only have 1 friend who knows everything about me.
i'm 20 in uni and a female too, if you want to email me you can, anabarros16@yahoo.com, and then i can give you my facebook? I hate the idea of someone feeling that lonely.


By anonymous at 24,Apr,12 16:08

Wow..it seems like your in a bit of a pickle! You can have online friends which are good friends but I think you should get out there see whats on go to meetings for friends or something! Good luck!!


By Danny at 24,Apr,12 17:48

I can relate with how you're feeling as I was in a similar situation not that long ago.
I love playing sports so I went on Craigslist and found a couple of teams I could play on. My social circle grew from there and now I don't feel nearly as lonely as I once did.
I still have my moments, but life is much better.
Hope this helps.
Danny.


By anonymous at 24,Apr,12 23:07

I'm sorry :( I'm not going to give you any advise because im only 18 and truly have none. Please just know that I'm thinking of you now, and not as a booty call. You seen like a very nice person, you just have no one to share it with, just like me. I'm sorry.


By anonymous at 24,Apr,12 23:48

Now listen here enough is enough, you made your decisions now live with them. Get off your ass and do something positive instead of giving your ass to some guys who's probably fucking several girls from these sites you met him on.


By anonymous at 25,Apr,12 00:03

I'm not worried about you as much as I am worried about your ex. You got what you deserve, fuck you cunt! You left a good relationship for a job and now are stuck with the repercussions. You reap what you sow, slut.
By anonymous at 25,Apr,12 00:26

Get out, the ex is a big boy and can take care of himself. She's not responsible for him. There relationship was probably not that great or she would have stayed. At 26 she should be out experiencing life to see what she wants to do.


By anonymous at 25,Apr,12 00:24

am sorry that you took a gamble saying "Yes" to growing your life and now you are struggling. No one ever promised us a rose garden, yes. So, congratulations on trying something new and having to stretch yourself even more. I was thinking about one thing in your post that stood out for me - "I don't sleep, I just quietly drink myself into a coma. I've lost 10kgs since moving here even though I haven't been dieting but instead drinking heaps of alcohol." You sound prime for alcoholics anonymous. Besides the fact that there is a name for replacing eating with drinking large amounts of alcohol - Drunkorexia.

So, how about going to a meeting? Go to aa.org to find meetings.
You would make friends and get support there. Look, if you are doing this to yourself you can't be very healthy, which means your relationship with your boyfriend could not have been so great - codependent maybe? I don't think you would have left if it was. Anyway, how about focusing on taking care of yourself and getting well?

Best of luck.
By anonymous at 30,Apr,12 21:51

Yes she needs to stretch her legs apart farther


By at 25,Apr,12 01:00

What a stupid mother fucking cunt. You deserve that shit you fuckin slag muffin'! I hope your ex gets even with you for leaving him and bash your head with a baseball bat and spill acid on your face you floozy slut bitch!!! Do us decent people a favor and throw yourself over a cliff you dirty old bat!!
By anonymous at 25,Apr,12 16:16

at least your life is better than Willy here. I mean seriously, he gets on websites just to call women names, wish them ill, and give them horrible advice. A guy like that can't have much of a life worth living. If he is this ugly to strangers, imagine what a horrible person he must be in real life.
By anonymous at 26,Apr,12 03:29 Fold Up

Chill da fuck out bitch ! It ain't her fault you get no pussy you ugly ass !


By anonymous at 25,Apr,12 01:01

You're doing better than some people. You're independent, you have a job that pays the bills. Im in a similar situation except im a drag on the people around me. I hope things get better for you.


By anonymous at 25,Apr,12 02:23

Stupid bitch.

How do you think your ex feels.

One supportive rock in your life, and you decide to leave him..
For a job.

You get what you deserve.


By anonymous at 25,Apr,12 19:08

Things will get better but you have put your self out there and try and change the negative self image you have created. It's more than likely all in your head!!

My advise would be to continue online dating but try and build a more meaningful relationship with the next person. Also, maybe even consider taking a night course in something that interests you, its a good way of meeting people. I would advise that you consider speaking to a professional as they could help you see things from another perspective, which is never a bad thing.

Good luck to you anyway


By anonymous at 28,Apr,12 13:52

26, consider prostitution or escort. Make big money.


By craig at 28,Apr,12 19:09

Whilst everyone may advise you on being positive, or getting out of your routine, you really need to try to understand your own heart and its desire. Analyse what you want to achieve with your life, and relate it to your current situation, and you may be startled to realise how far forward or back you are from it.
Remember something, we are all the creators of our own existence. So dont pretend positivity. Be Positive! Life is certainly one of the greatest gifts we can ever hope to have, so enjoy it, take pride in it, and live it to the fullest extent that you can wring out of it.
If you are alone, make the concious decision to enjoy those moments. Open your eyes, and look around you, really look at the marvel of life around, you. put on some tunes, and dont get lost in yourself or what you think you need, but listen to the music, really listen to it. and perhaps, just perhaps you may smile. You will be well on your way when you start smiling again. Go Dancing, or just dance in your room.

I know all that may sound like hogwash to you, but it is what constantly helps me through what is a difficult period in my life. And whilst I may be alone, I figure, you only live once, so I best not waste a second of it.


By anonymous at 30,Apr,12 22:00

Craig, do you think that the fact she is a fuck toy for some loser, whom I might add only sees her for that purpose, is a positive way for her whilst she full fulfills her hearts desires? Lot's of comments are saying...oh well take it in stride..chalk this up to experience, however I would like to ask the writer if the grass is greener? Meanwhile I am sure her X has taken up with someone nice who now mothers her cats.


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