Im sitting on my sofa in the UK with tears in my eyes over the aching emptiness in my chest.
I have nothing new to add to the issues that most people are facing in their lives and I admit I am much better off than many others.
Im not looking for pity, Im hoping that someone out there will identify with me and maybe give me some advice on how to handle the overpowering emotional pain Im feeling on a daily basis.
Long story short.
Ive had emotional problems since I was a little girl. Four sisters a lovely mom and an alcholic father who drank us into poverty.
Saw a lot of physical fighting between my parents from the age of 4 to 16. Lived in fear of my dad killing my mother and in those days, late 60s, early 70s there was not really any kind of awareness or help for kids like me and my sisters.
Grew up, I was in the top stream at school but under achieved because it was impossible to revise properly in my house because of my dads the drinking.Again in those days you didnt talk about this kind of stuff.
Started self harming at 15 but eventually put it behind me. Married a lovely man I was with for almost 20 years but the marriage ended after he had an affair. His mother died from Motor Neurone disease and his dad was fighting cancer when he started the affair so I guess he was cracking up a bit too.
Had a new relationship for five years with a man who started off great then started hitting & shouting at me. Discovered he was mentally ill but it was also making me very ill too.
Although Id put my childhood issues to bed, so I thought ,the abuse from him brought it all out of me again at the age of 43. I lived on eggshells around him and was too scared to do anything that might upset him. As a result I ended up in debt as he took out a loan on the house and then left me with the repayments when he decided to do a runner.
Ive been taking anti depressants since then and have gained two stone in weight trying to smother the emotional pain and to avoid self harming again. I guess I chose another form of self harming, eating.
My mom is 77 and has had such a crap life I dont want her to have to deal with my baggage. My four sisters, although not bad people are selfish people who dont have time for me at all. They are aware of my issues but they choose to ignore them.
It can and does go 6 months or more before I hear from or see them.
My father finally succumbed to his alcoholism 18months ago.
Hope that wasnt too long winded but I needed to paint the background picture.
Im now alone, two lovely cats to care for but the lonliness is absolutely killing me.
My ex tore my heart out with his abuse and now I feel as if I have to grow a new one, not just fix it.
I literally feel as if I have a litle stump where my heart used to be.
I want so much to love someone and to be loved in return.
I dont care about money or things. Im not bothered about holidays or being well off.
I was at my happiest when I was married and I had someone to take care of.
I miss the closeness of another body next to me in bed, someone to make me a cup of tea or a Lemsip when Im not well!!!
I wake in the middle of the night regularly with an ache inside me that fills the room. I hold my cats paw just to feel another living thing next to me.
My fear is so great that Im so damaged that I wont ever find someone to spend my life with.
I know I have a good life, I have my home, my cats and no health problems apart from emotionally. Apart from the extra weight I am a nice looking woman so i dont have any trouble attracting men.
Im fighting the urge to have someone, anyone in my life as I know Im not ready yet as my heart is still healing.
Intimacy is a big deal to me and I have to share my heart before I can share my body.
As I feel as if I dont have a heart yet I cant share it. Im so scared of being alone forever and now Im 47 I feel as if Im running out of time.
I dont know what im trying to say to all you people out there.
I think maybe Im looking for someone to give me hope that it will all be ok, like a kid with a cut knee I want someone to make it all go away.
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You picked the abusive relationships because it's all you knew. Growing up in an abusive household you don't learn that things can be better. It took me awhile to figure that one out.
Listen, there is help. It just takes awhile and you have to stick with it. You should find a therapist who deals in PTSD and a psychiatrist to handle your meds. I know the hell you're going through and no one deserves that kind of suffering. I've tried to kill myself several times: overdosing on Diazepams (I took 90 10 mg pills of Valium with a Vodka chaser). Woke up the next day. I tried CO poisoning. Didn't work. Wrist slashing didn't work either. Something seems to want me to stick around.
Please please get help. Things won't clear up overnight but if you work at it, there's hope. Take care of yourself. You are a worthwhile person.
I felt so sad when I read your story.I have researched PTSD and Im not too sure it applies to me but I will mention it to my doctor.
Why do you think I may have it? I thought it only applied to people who had witnessed a very traumatic event.
You have been through hell and it must be dreadful having to handle the memories of the two rapes as a child.
Have you pressed charges against these people? They really should not be allowed to get away with the things they have done to you.
I hope you arent suicidal anymore as it seems to me that you are a very worthwhile and kind person too.
Reading your sad story made me cry. I cant imagine the pure hell you went through as a little girl.
If you can reply to me would you explain a bit more about the PTSD for me?
Once again thankyou for your kindness and if I can help you in any way please let me know. Susan
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