I was betrayed before I was born. but who cares. God shunned me and destined me to be alone for life, and put me in this body that isn't even me. Then I was born and was just given away. Unwanted. Adopted. They diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder, but I am pretty sure I have good reason to believe I am a burden to my family. And maybe i should have expected that after all of this, my mom would eventually snap, and that our family would fall apart. But the sad thing is i never expected it to happen in my recovery. To make things worse I was born with bad eyes. All my childhood was surgeries and getting scalpels shoved into the back of my eye sockets. My mom couldn't have children. But apparently when she adopted me, her miracle happened and she had my sister. I grew up with everyone ignoring me, because i was the misfit child with fucked up eyes. Everyone always talked about how great my sister was. I grew up knowing I didn't belong. Terrified my family would someday betray me. I grew up thinking I was physically and mentally retarded. Because I was too young to understand what was wrong with me to always be in hospitals. I died many times, but they kept bringing me back. I guess god wants me to suffer. Then when I was 13 I was diagnosed with skin cancer and they cut my nose off. That seriously didn't make things better because they ruined my face. From there I developed anorexia nervosa. Then my parent's betrayed me yet again and sent me to live all my teenage years in mental asylums. Then I became a very dangerous person with many addictions because I hated my life. Then i got kicked out of all the mental asylums. It gave me even worse abandonment issues, because even they didn't want me. From there my life became a series of unfortunate events. I am sure my parent's fucking hate me considering I attempted to murder them in the past. On top of that I am a fucking sex addict and I think I am destined to be alone forever. Also, I am in a committed relationship with a fucking spirit guide/imaginary friend, and I am abstinent, so my life really fucking sucks right now.
I recovered from everything 1 year and 6 months ago, and the shitty thing is i've come too far to go back and i dont like what i see here either. Things should be happy, I'm not living on the streets anymore, my parent's sold their farm, they bought me my own house even, but now it's my family that is falling apart. My mom is having a giant nervous breakdown and is going fucking nuts and sometimes acts like she absolutely hates me. My dad is being a giant dick and isn't there for her, like he never was there for me. He's being a douche bag to me and what's worse i don't want him hurting her, and wants to kick me out of my house because i asked him one too many times to fix the lighting and fencing that he never got around to in 2 whole years, and I LOVE this house and am heartbroken of even thinking of losing it, I was the one who did all the work here to make it what it is, and everything is falling apart with my family. My worst ever fear of betrayal is coming true, but my parent's are the only ones I have in this life. Everyone else has always fucking betrayed me. But the ironic thing is its me finally having to make that choice. Because now it is them that are unhealthy, they need to get help, and i can only hope that if i leave she will get herself help. And i guess ill just be alone like life fucking wants me to be.
Everything is falling apart and out of my control and I just don't understand what the fuck the point in life is. Why the fuck would I suffer so much in order to come to this shit. I just want to take all the hurt and suffering and put it onto me. Because apparently I deserve it, but my parent's don't. I just want life to leave my mom the fuck alone. She's been through enough, and doesn't deserve to be hurting.
I no longer give a shit what happens to me, but i am NOT going to let anything happen to her, even if it means having to let go of everything and everyone i love so dearly.