When I was 8 years old, my father knocked off his secretary, and I was sent away to boarding school so my parents could sort out their marriage. The first few nights I was there, I was molested by other boys. The staff knew what had happened, but they did nothing.
I begged my parents to let me come home. They never said a word.
I didn't have one single romantic experience in high school, despite working out at an insane level. All that happened was girls regarded me with pity, and said I'd meet someone.
I turned to drugs and alcohol after leaving school. At 19, I had my first mental breakdown. I couldn't go five minutes without crying and having a panic attack. My doctor prescribed me an antidepressant and an antipsychotic, the latter of which killed my soul and made me gain 4 stone in 6 months. I was 8 stone, now I'm nearer 13.
I tried to come off the olanzapine recently, and experienced psychotic symptoms. Despite losing 2 stone in weight, and feeling better about life, I was put back on the original dose. The weight has come back, and I once again feel like an empty shell.
Because of who and what I am, a relationship is out of the question. I'm a 13 stone, depressed, psychotic, 23 year old virgin.
You'd figure I could just stop caring. But it still hurts, even if I don't try anymore. Seeing my friends pair off one by one makes me feel like a razor blade is slicing into my heart.
I'd kill myself, but I'm all my mother has. And I can't inflict that much pain on the only woman who has ever loved me.