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untitled story

Posted by Fox at April 26, 2012
Tags: 2012 April  Childhood

When I was a kid I had no friends in school everyone ignored me and made fun of me over stupid things... I eventually started to skyive school and try faking being sick and stuff I remember screaming and crying because I didn't want to go everyone would talk about me behind my back so I just decided I would ignore them all and not stoop towards there level... Eventually I felt so alone I would cry about being alone all the time and self harm my self when I was in the bath with my razor blades...eventually people started to notice that there was something wrong with me they noticed my scratches but did nothing about it I eventually started trying to gain some aspect of control over my life by being anorexic because every thing was just falling apart I had no real friends and my mum and dad were split up and argued a lot my mum was also an alcoholic I remember comforting her when she was sick and crying screaming my name....then when I was 14 my dad committed suicide I was the first person to discover his body...I still think I'm living in a nightmare and I will wake up soon, when I discovered his body time went by so slowly I remember thinking about how much I missed him already and that I wish that I could have helped him... I also remember staring at my reflection as if to comfort myself because my dad was the only one who I really cared about me he was my best friend and the only person I felt safe with... After he died me my mum and my sister moved away to be closer to my auntie we had no home and we're staying with them for a while I was still so numb from what had happened and I was so depressed I made some friends but again I was bullied someone ever tried to set me on fire and I have a scar from a third degree burn another person gave me at that time I started smoking and eventually I turned to alcohol and drugs to help me feel better I also started having sec with people eventually I got so depressed that I tried to kill myself. But I couldn't go through with it I couldn't put my family through the pain. I was also being blackmailed by my grandad for my inheritance, I was being told that my mum killed my dad and that I shouldn't trust her I was constantly being harassed by him to go to the lawyers to give him money... He turned me against my family for ages, I don't believe him anymore though.... My life started to get a bit better I made friends in college but now they all ignore me. And they don't consider me a friend... I'm still in college and I feel that everyone just hates me now and I mean this is 2 years after I went to college the first time (I'm 18) I left my mum's house at 15 when I first went to college I have my own flat and a fiance but no friends... No one ever calls me or wants to hang out with me no one really finds me interesting and I feel like nobody wants me there the exact same as when I was in school... People also take advantage of my kindness and I get used a lot... I'm still really depressed and I have trouble leaving my house sometimes... I feel so alone... Nothing ever gets better ever they say it will but it doesn't I have no real skills I feel like I'm destined to fail and that I will never be able to get a job or do something amazing... I don't see my future at all I don't even think I will be alive. And all I want to do is disappear....


New Comment

By Cursed at 27,Apr,12 14:44

Dear Fox-
I am so sorry to hear about your dad, that is really tragic. It was selfish to commit suicide, but he must of been miserable to leave you and your mum behind. My concern is that perhaps depression runs in your family? You've got to talk to a professional sooner rather than later. They'll be able to prescribe you medication, and hopefully help you with the cutting. Finding your dad, wow, that is rough, I can't imagine. All these things you've been through have put a toll on your psyche, and unless you talk to someone honey, it will only get worse...
It isn't normal to want to kill yourself. You need help. Please find it. You have the power- please be strong and deal with your problems and find a professional to confide in...
You deserve to be happy sweetie-
I wish you the best, keep us posted-

By anonymous at 27,Apr,12 20:49

Man I'm sorry about all that I hope things get better

By anonymous at 28,Apr,12 04:41

You have your fiance, right? You're not completely alone. You should see someone to get things sorted out. I'm so sorry to hear about how troubled your family was. But don't let all that impact on how you should enjoy your life.

By anonymous at 28,Apr,12 12:00

Sounds like your messed up, had a messed up upbringing. Stay in school, get in shape, tougher up. Go to a school counselor for advice, for a strategy for life. Remember, life does suck. Some more, some less.

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