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This.. Is my life.

Posted by anonymous at June 26, 2010
Tags: Abuse  2010 June  Juvenile problems

I'm 15 years old, and I have never experienced freedom. When I was 8 years old, My grandfather raped me. He bruised what bliss I had. And this continued for years.. Or till I turned 12. He'd get my other grandfather and even my uncle to join in. I still remember ir all vividly. I was about 10. I thought it would be over, because both of my grandfathers died, And my uncle had a son with his new wife. But everytime he comes over,or visits, I think about it all over again. How I never got to this age with my innocence. I felt dirty, And helpless. I hate seeing him to this very day, Always. How he smiles like it never happened, and pretends to care if I'm okay or not. My mother ad father conceived me when my mom was 14, and my dad was 16. She gave birth to me at 15, And my Dad left me then. Not 3 years later, she had my brother, Whom I had to take care of while she struggled to keep her job. Then she had my sister, and my brother, and my brother, and my sister. I learned to change a diaper at 5 years old. I learned how to clean a house at 6. My mother is almost never around, because once se gets her check she flees to escape this dreadful life. I take care of my siblings almost every day. School is a struggle for me, But It's the only escape I have left. I met my dad 10 years after I was born, but he never visits. All he does is complain that he has to pay child support. My mother falsely sent me to an Asylum, and so I have a record there. With actual criminally insane people. I spend almost all my time trying to stay away from my house, Or being with my boyfriend, the only real best friend I have. I have very little friends, because sometimes people are just not so accepting. I'm a broken little person, but I amaze people with how much I smile, and laugh. Behind me, I have God. That's really all that keeps me going, My God, and that I know he'll soon release me from what I'm going through. I have Chronic Insomnia, and I have nightmares almost all the time if I do sleep. My pills simply numb me, which makes me love them. I started smoking marijuanna. I researched it... It's not bad unless mixed and I rarely ever do smoke because I think about my sibings and how they need me. My dad has 5 other kids with 2 othr woman. He gives them everything. He hates me. My mom constantly blames me for not getting to live her life, and having to give up her dreams. She hits me alot too, To releive stress, to let it out. I've been hit with worse before, So I've grown immune to her hands, her shoes, her belts. She has no idea how much more pain I have experienced. I've even gained a masochistic attitude. I've never had the oppertunity to release the pain I feel. Suicide, is stupid. And cuting my wrists, and anywhere just get's me noticed by the wrong people, and in the wrong situation, so that's a lost case. Sometimes I drink alot, though. For a release. It's really hard to trust, I barely ever let my boyfriend embrace me. I'm hurt, and broken, and God is my only happiness. I took up Art.. Which helped me greatly. But that still won't erase everything that has happened. Some people actually look at me sometimes and think "What does she have to be so depressed about?" Some think I have minimal problems. But I wish people knew, I wish I had someone to actually talk to that will respond to me. Because God, He keeps me going, but I wish he would send me someone, or something to erase my memories, and hauntings. I know you're supposed to grou stronger from what happens to you.. But it's hard to be strong when you're weak. If that even makes sense. All I know, is that there is a little beauty in these negative spaces of my life. It's hard to imagine happiness anymore, even today. I'm lost. And I wish my mom could look at me and know something was wrong.. But she's never here. All I can do is pray. For something. Anything. That will help me get through this. Not even therapists can figure me out. They're trained to say things that will lead you into false little lies. So you can't trust anyone... And I don't. Atleast not anyone but God. So, Yeah. I try to look at the happy things. Because that's all I really can do. But that won't stop the nightmares. It wont kill the pain. Love is temporary. A limited resource of happiness. I've gone down so deep, I don't even feel like climbing up. I'm a broken case, with hopes of someday finding something that will release me from my pain.


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Comments:
By anonymous at 07,Jul,10 06:24

you are full of shit nobody gets raped by both of their grandparents. you are a liar who is deserate for attention.
By anonymous at 07,Jul,10 10:53

wow that sounds exciting, I wish I had sex with my 2 grandfathers and uncle, that would be my ultimate orgasm, one can suck my dick while i suck his dick while the other is fucking me in the ass, OMG!!!! I getting ready to cum now!!!!!:PPP
By anonymous at 02,Aug,10 10:20 Fold Up

You're as cold as the heart you have.
By anonymous at 02,Aug,10 10:25 Fold Up

I'm pretty sure if she was looking for attention, she wouldnt of spilled her heart out to people who DONT know who she is. You're the one looking for attention being such a jerk to someone with problems you do not know about. And for your information, Things like that CAN happen. Her mothers Father, and her Fathers father. Or even her Great Grandfather, You jerk. Learn how to spell, before you try and make yourself seem even slightly accomplished. And for the gross pig, who seems to be gay? You need to release your SICK little head thoughts on a different website. Like, "My Gay Fantasies." Immature little pricks -.-


By anonymous at 08,Jul,10 09:16

TELL SOMEONE. GET HELP.


By anonymous at 09,Jul,10 14:21

You are not alone my dear, i am so sorry for your pain. You seem like a very strong person though. Stick with it and you will get throughit. What area are you from?
By anonymous at 12,Jul,10 12:33

Don't tell him what area you are from, he is looking to rape you with his father and brother :O
By anonymous at 29,Nov,12 09:01

Hahaha


By anonymous at 19,Jul,10 21:35

OMG! My uncle, and my 2 grandfathers did the same, i have basically the same life as you except, I have Cancer and i'm also pregnant and My uncle is the dad.... sometimes i just wanna, kill myself... i need help but i can't get it, I hate myself, i just want someone to love me...hold me and say it's OK, you will be loved...
By anonymous at 29,Nov,12 09:00

You retarded little piece of shit. SUCK MY DICK


By anonymous at 02,Aug,10 10:21

You all have nice advice. I guess you cant really ever say the right thing, because one can never know exactly how someone else feels, unless they are them.


By anonymous at 07,Aug,10 12:53

i have a freind she 5 years old and she me hits me why can she act nomaly and some time she gets in troulb
By anonymous at 29,Nov,12 09:03

Nobody gives a sh!t so shut up


By anonymous at 07,Aug,10 12:55

my mom is all ways taling about me
By anonymous at 29,Nov,12 09:07

And we should care because???


By anonymous at 11,Aug,10 02:07

I'm so sorry that happened to you. But, you need to be strong, and tell someone. Anyone. Just tell someone. You need to get your courage together. There is nothing that can happen to you now. Just tell someone.


By anonymous at 10,Nov,10 18:46

Sorry about the insensitives assholes that wrote the 1st 2 comments & i am truly sorry about what you have to go thru. At least u still hav faith in God.be strong.


By anonymous at 29,Nov,12 09:06

You r one sick bitch. And I truly wish you die soon.


By crorkz linkz at 15,Jan,15 21:03

kIx7Wo You made several nice points there. I did a search on the topic and found nearly all folks will have the same opinion with your blog.


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