I'm 15 years old, and I have never experienced freedom. When I was 8 years old, My grandfather raped me. He bruised what bliss I had. And this continued for years.. Or till I turned 12. He'd get my other grandfather and even my uncle to join in. I still remember ir all vividly. I was about 10. I thought it would be over, because both of my grandfathers died, And my uncle had a son with his new wife. But everytime he comes over,or visits, I think about it all over again. How I never got to this age with my innocence. I felt dirty, And helpless. I hate seeing him to this very day, Always. How he smiles like it never happened, and pretends to care if I'm okay or not. My mother ad father conceived me when my mom was 14, and my dad was 16. She gave birth to me at 15, And my Dad left me then. Not 3 years later, she had my brother, Whom I had to take care of while she struggled to keep her job. Then she had my sister, and my brother, and my brother, and my sister. I learned to change a diaper at 5 years old. I learned how to clean a house at 6. My mother is almost never around, because once se gets her check she flees to escape this dreadful life. I take care of my siblings almost every day. School is a struggle for me, But It's the only escape I have left. I met my dad 10 years after I was born, but he never visits. All he does is complain that he has to pay child support. My mother falsely sent me to an Asylum, and so I have a record there. With actual criminally insane people. I spend almost all my time trying to stay away from my house, Or being with my boyfriend, the only real best friend I have. I have very little friends, because sometimes people are just not so accepting. I'm a broken little person, but I amaze people with how much I smile, and laugh. Behind me, I have God. That's really all that keeps me going, My God, and that I know he'll soon release me from what I'm going through. I have Chronic Insomnia, and I have nightmares almost all the time if I do sleep. My pills simply numb me, which makes me love them. I started smoking marijuanna. I researched it... It's not bad unless mixed and I rarely ever do smoke because I think about my sibings and how they need me. My dad has 5 other kids with 2 othr woman. He gives them everything. He hates me. My mom constantly blames me for not getting to live her life, and having to give up her dreams. She hits me alot too, To releive stress, to let it out. I've been hit with worse before, So I've grown immune to her hands, her shoes, her belts. She has no idea how much more pain I have experienced. I've even gained a masochistic attitude. I've never had the oppertunity to release the pain I feel. Suicide, is stupid. And cuting my wrists, and anywhere just get's me noticed by the wrong people, and in the wrong situation, so that's a lost case. Sometimes I drink alot, though. For a release. It's really hard to trust, I barely ever let my boyfriend embrace me. I'm hurt, and broken, and God is my only happiness. I took up Art.. Which helped me greatly. But that still won't erase everything that has happened. Some people actually look at me sometimes and think "What does she have to be so depressed about?" Some think I have minimal problems. But I wish people knew, I wish I had someone to actually talk to that will respond to me. Because God, He keeps me going, but I wish he would send me someone, or something to erase my memories, and hauntings. I know you're supposed to grou stronger from what happens to you.. But it's hard to be strong when you're weak. If that even makes sense. All I know, is that there is a little beauty in these negative spaces of my life. It's hard to imagine happiness anymore, even today. I'm lost. And I wish my mom could look at me and know something was wrong.. But she's never here. All I can do is pray. For something. Anything. That will help me get through this. Not even therapists can figure me out. They're trained to say things that will lead you into false little lies. So you can't trust anyone... And I don't. Atleast not anyone but God. So, Yeah. I try to look at the happy things. Because that's all I really can do. But that won't stop the nightmares. It wont kill the pain. Love is temporary. A limited resource of happiness. I've gone down so deep, I don't even feel like climbing up. I'm a broken case, with hopes of someday finding something that will release me from my pain.