This will be a long read, so apologies and thanks in advance to those who read this.
I have never met anyone else with a life like mine, ever. Born to physically and emotionally abusive pill addict CA-razy mother (who attempted to kill me with her car once, and poisoned my food another time), I have nothing but bad memories from my childhood and adolescence. My father, although a good man in many ways, such as raising one of my brothers as his own -- a brother who was conceived while my mother had an affair -- was emotionally distant, and sometimes physically abusive. He died from cancer a few months before I graduated high school, which was a couple years after my parents divorced.
My mother had remarried after their divorce, and my stepfather was a sick bastard, an alcoholic. One day, when I'd interfered in my mother's abusive behavior toward one of my little brothers, she beat me with an electric frying pan and bit me (huge bites that bled profusely), then threw me out of the house. I went to live with a friend and her parents.
My stepfather lured me one night with the promise he wanted to help patch relationship between me and Mom, but he was lying. He held me prisoner in his car and raped me at knife point. I'd just turned 18. The police did not believe me despite evidence my stepfather had been drunk and had fake ID, as well as a knife in his glove compartment (after I escaped his car, telling him I needed to use the bathroom, and running to a nearby apartment complex, a resident heard my cries for help and called police -- they found my stepfather adjacent to the complex, passed out in his car). I'd begged the police not to tell my mother because I feared for my little brothers. I feared Mom would go crazy and kill everyone in the house.
I guess my pleading the cops not to tell Mom was a factor in their disbelief, as well as my stepfather telling them that we'd had an ongoing affair since I was 15. Oh, my god, it still makes me want to puke just thinking of it...Anyway, no one helped me, no family, and no friends really were there.
I eventually moved into the home of a former high school boyfriend who was terrible to me, used to beat me, among other things, but it was better than being on the streets or with my mother. It was he who told my mother what my stepfather had done. She threw my stepfather out of the house, but thankfully didn't kill anyone...I couldn't have cared less if she'd killed my stepfather, but if she went to jail, what would've happened with my little brothers? There was and is no extended family or close family friends to help.
Fast forward many years of shit, and I marry a man who seemed kind and sweet. We have four kids, and I doted on them. I wanted to be the mother I never had. I wanted them to feel safe and loved every day of their lives. One child has Asperger's syndrome, which was challenging, especially with no support from family, but our lives were not unhappy, despite my husband controlling everything financially. That changed in 2004, when my husband began to get weird, mean, started drinking a lot...He made the death of my best friend of over 20 years (she was like an aunt to my kids) and then the death of my mother six months after a living fucking nightmare for me. As if having my youngest brother come to Mom's funeral in shackles and handcuffs wasn't horrible enough (he is in prison for robbery). All this occurred end of '07 to April '08. Through it all, I tried to never let the kids see how bad things were or how devastated I was...I cried alone at night in the backyard.
Then in 2009, my youngest girl had a psychotic break. Turns out she has early-onset schizophrenia. Yay for fucked-up genes, huh? My mother, her father, and HIS father all were goddamned crazyballs from hell...Cruel ones, though. My daughter is wonderful and loving despite her suffering.
Of course, I can't possibly write all of the bad luck and tragedy in one sitting...Most wouldn't even believe what I've lived through or comprehend it all. And there are no words to express the loneliness and despair. I honestly do not know how I haven't lost it. But I needed to get some of this pain out...
Since my best friend died, I have no one at all. My husband's parents are uninvolved, my dad's family stopped being in my brothers' and my life when Dad passed, and no one on Mom's side has had anything to do with us due to her crazy nutbaggery. The neighbors next door were friends for years, our kids knew one another since the cradle, but they now keep their kids away and do not speak with any of us due to my daughter's illness. I am especially hurt for my little boy...He doesn't deserve to be shunned like this.
So, here I am today, under investigation by child protective services, who were called by the residential group home my poor daughter was put into at the strong suggestion of her quack doctor. They are awful -- criminally awful -- people, and I took my girl out of there two weeks ago. So they called CPS with bogus charges. Luckily, the CPS caseworker is fantastic, and is completely on my and my husband's side. She shook her head and sighed, said how tragic it is that so many resources are squandered on false claims...Said she will close our case as soon as possible. But still...Do you see why I might feel as if I am cursed? Does anyone get it?
ME, reported to child protective services! After all I endured as a kid, NO ONE helping or giving a flying fuck, ME, who devoted my life to my children, who does nothing but care for my family, reported to CPS, whereas someone like my mother and step-father were not. Ironic? I say "cursed."
Jesus, I'm starting to wonder if I need to sacrifice a goat or something.