LIFE SUCKS : 2011 October

sweet sweet psychotic suicide

I'm 22 and Everyday I wake up and wonder what the hell I'm doing out of bed wishing why the fuck can't I just hurry up and kill myself already? I've flunked out of college due to my schizophrenic psychotic episodes and delusions, mixed with my bipolar that put me inpatient last year. As a result from going inpatient my father has disowned me and my entire family is somehow convinced I'm such a good attention whore of a liar that I've fulled various doctors and shrinks to get this diagnoses.
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I have an older sister who I help babysit for sometimes, she owes me two hundred dollars or so and keeps avoiding to pay me. I'm about ready to give up on everything and not care anymore. Fuck the medical bills I have to pay fuck the banks. She thinks I'm a liar like my father does anyway. Thought sister's were supposed to support their younger siblings.
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My mother believes me but really doesn't care. Too wrapped up in her drug abuse. I was lucky enough she let me move in a year ago when my father kicked my ass to the curb. I used to have a best friend, but now I'm not so sure... who felt more like a brother to me, now he's convinced I'm too "bat-shit crazy" to even consider helping anymore. So he's detaching himself from me to avoid my 'crazy'. I feel worse than I ever have before and ignoring the voices telling me to kill myself is getting harder and harder because they're getting really persuasive.
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Some-days I eat a lot like a normal person and some ...

Confused, Alone, Unwelcome, Unwanted, Unloved

If anyone has the patience to read this I will be surprised. I barely have the motivation to type it.

I am uncertain of where to begin. My life is a mystery to me. Currently I feel as the title describes, which is the prevailing emotional paradigm of my life. I feel as though I have no place in this world; as if I were foreign to it--alien to it entirely. I am about 25 years-old, and am a man/guy/boy (or whatever pronoun suits your perspective), of a healthy weight, and with an athletic build. I am of average height, and am told I am attractive, a sentiment I tend to agree with for the most part. I am told I am funny, fun-loving, and fun to be around, that I am intelligent and witty, et cetera. I am agnostic, and profoundly spiritual, but not in any traditional Western sense.

Most of the evil in my life seems to have been inflicted upon me from my environment, or from my feelings toward myself. My memory is quite incomplete, but I can tell you what I do recall with a degree of mental clarity. The youngest of three, my father apparently didn't love me, or want me around. I was nearly aborted because of the pressure his family put upon my mother, but due to her own circumstances, she didn't feel she could tolerate another abortion (she had one recently before my conception). My older brother and my father had a special bond, and my sister and mother shared a similar connection with one another. It wasn't that I was entirely left out, because my mother tri...

I can't save or protect them

I am despondent. I cannot save or protect my wife of 21 years from some unknown, unnamed medical problem. She's been ill for 3+ years. She had an abdominal ultrasound today. They found something, but haven't told us what yet. I don't know if she is dying or will recover. No one seems to know. The only constant is that she is in pain daily.

I am powerless.

My 18 year old special needs child is being accused of harassment by a 17 year old special needs child and her mother, who also has some type of anxiety disorder. It has progressed to legal action on the part of the mother. I have no idea how to fix this. I am powerless to protect my son, who (according to corroborated sources within the school administration) has done nothing wrong.'

He doesn't understand; nor do I.

I am powerless.

The gentleman who has sat next to me at work for the past 5 1/2 years and who has functioned as a mentor for me died today.

All this (and MORE!!!) happened in the past five days. I am lost. I am powerless.

Life sucks.

Discouraged

I have been reading a few books about the importance of energy and how to set up sort of a "blockade" to thwart off negative energy. I find that whenever I am reading these books, that thinking positively about your current situation is much easier said than done.
I lost my job a couple of days ago because about 2 weeks ago my boss hired his mistress to run the place and disrespect us by demanding us around. I finally had enough of her condescending attitude towards me and my coworkers and stood up for myself and basically because of that I was terminated (to make a long story short).
The job was nothing special to me because it was in the food industry which is fine but I had grown tired of working in food a long time ago however it was the only position that I could get 5 months ago. Still, it would have been nice to work for employers who viewed me as a human as opposed to a robot.
Now I currently have just the one job where I am getting minimum wage and only 2 shifts a week to work.

My bank account is really starting to shrink now and I have student loans to pay back.

I would like to know when things are going to start to look up. I spent four years in college only to get out, go through numerous of interviews and only get hired by food service employers even though I sent hundreds of apps and resumes to entry level positions pertaining to my major and office clerk positions.

Not only that, but I'm living with my mom again. I lov...

Tried Suicide 3 times. I even failed at that. I don't give a shit if I Live or die.

U know you are a low life IQ of 10 when you try to commit suicide and still fail. I can't do anything write. Ever since I recal from Childhood was shit. Got my asked kicked every week. Has mamy of cast. Parents said no big deal. I would like to take my 30" sord and cut straigh up then down and decapitate him sdo he can see his body milisends before death. I have lost all my freinds after my divorce 3 years ago. I pray to not wake or be killed. Death by cop is perfectly fine. I keep putting myself in worser andd worse situation and one of these times maybe I will catch a couple of rounds to me head and a couple in the chest. Fuck living it sucks. Also have accepted part time job with PCM. I actually get an awesome feeling putting a bullet in someone amnd watching the body drop. If up close edge weapon to take a limb is awesome. So know u know a little more about hell might have a office for me.

FUCK MY LIFE

I'm 23 years old. I'm very pretty, so I'm told, and everyone always ask me why I'm single. I waited till I was 20 to lose my virginity to my first boyfriend. Less than 6 months later i got pregnant, despite being on the pill, and I had an abortion. I had it because I thought he would love me and stay with me if I had it since he was the one forcing me to get it, but he broke up with me a few weeks later. I felt so guilty and so sad. It took me almost two years to get over him and not keeping the baby. I moved to a different state to finish my degree. I've been working towards my bachelors degree for almost 6 years now. I was hoping a fresh start was what I needed. This past summer I was working delivering blood to labs from hospitals and I got really sick. It started out being terrible headaches, then turned into foggy thinking, shaking hands, pain in all my extremities, and now blurry vision. I was hoping it would pass, but it hasn't. I've been to so many doctors and taken so many blood tests and yet nothing wrong can be found. Upon going to my last doctor she suspected I might have multiple sclerosis. She said that I am very young to get it, but it is not uncommon. That life will be hard with it, but manageable; That I will have to tolerate life, like some chore. I saw my ex this past weekend and he's become such a loser. He got sick and I had to take care of him the whole weekend. He didn't have one positive thing to say to me. I cooked him dinner, made him tea, tr...

stupid problem

My story is just stupid. I'm stupid. My only problem is that I'm living in my parents basement and my father is working very hard on the bigger apartment on the second floor (my parents live on the first floor), so I can move in there in a couple of months. We agreed on this a while ago, after I backed out first. I only wanted to stay temporarily, but now it's been 1.5 years! Yeah. I am such a slacker. Great.

Ok: I am 32 years old, I work as a freelance editor (but actually it's like a full-time job, I work for a newspaper 8 days a month and the rest of the month I work as an online editor). I have work, I have some money. I was able to save a good deal of money because I don't pay much rent.

After school (I have a very good degree) I went to university and studied. My parents paid for everything. I moved out and bought a car. I shared an apartment with other students. My parents paid. I had jobs at the university, but that was like additional money. I never had to worry. After a while the other students at my apartment sucked. I wanted to move to an apartment on my own. I did, parents paid. I met a guy from back home, we got together, I moved in with him. After almost two years we broke up and I was happy that I had my parents place, their basement, where I could move to. Back then I was just happy I had a place and could go on with work, because at that time I was just about to become a freelancer. How ironic is that - when I became self-employed, I g...

ILL OF TIME ITSELF

Much like everyone else on this website, I am unemployed. Never had a day of expirence. I'm 17 years old, and apparently I have the look of a fine young man with a bright future. Ding-Dong, bring future is a nono. I don't start college a very long time from now, and I cannot find any jobs in my area, my surrounding area, or even my state for that matter. I'm a computer nerd, and I would love to start saving up money for a new computer, games, eventually a place to live etc. But now I'm just stuck living with my grandparents because my both my parents died recently. Every employer I apply too (and thats from a crapton of people here) Won't hire me, based on me not having a lick of experience. On top of that, a lot of old people here have taken all the teen jobs, so theres nowhere for me to start, and defiantly not a place to end. I feel stuck considering I can't take care of my girlfriend and I can't even find the money to feed myself most the time, besides the really nasty old people food they make here. I've been frustrated as hell and my future seems really bleak. I found this site and posted my story here to vent, but it doesn't seem to make me feel better. Typing this out has made me angrier and now I feel like eating old people food. Somebody help me.

Depressed

I am stuck in this place. My friends are gone abroad to study. I am all alone. I have no job, I have no friends. I feel fucking lonely... All I do is stay at my house, just do nothing. My friends call me sometimes, but i truly feel like they dont give a shit. Life goes on and I hate it. I am 18 years old and till now I have never had an intimate relationship. My dad works all day and my mom is too fuckin busy to just sense that I feel like shit. I feel useless and unloveable. A friend of mine calls me and tells she's having such a blast... She dosent even fuckin bother to ask me if I am ok. Sometimes I am so angry at people. I shouldnt really give a shit... Like they care. I hate life and I dont even care that I am pessimistic because truly nothing fucking good has hapenned to give me strength to continue and some motivation.

Downward spiral

Before I was born, my dad talked my mom into having me. She never really wanted me. "she told me this many times." A year and a half after I was born, my dad died from a motorcycle accident. My mom was now stuck with me, her only child. She began to get into all sorts of drugs all throughout my childhood. My mom made good money back then racing quarter horses, but when I was around 11 years old, we lost everything. We moved to a small town that was a dump. During the winter the septic system would back up into the house with all sorts of ungodliness. Then our power got shut off for six months and that's when my mom attempted suicide in front of me. I had to call 911 for her. My mom's friend called cps on my mom and she went to jail for six months. I went to a halfway house until my mom's friend took me in. While staying there, I was physically and mentally abused along with a bit of malnutrition. After my mom got out of jail, my mom's so called friend kicked me out to live with my mom. The problem was that my mom was homeless. So for the next few months at the age of 13, my mom and I lived in a pickup truck next to an aqueduct. After that, we moved to a nice residential neighborhood and things were somewhat alright there. Until my mom started to put some of her debts in my name. At that point, I decided to move out and join the military. Lets say that didn't go well. I got a roommate that was a meth dealer. He got me hooked on lots of bad things. I then got punched by my...

I just graduated from grad school...second time around. Have two masters degrees at this point. Been working my ass off at school for my entire life, and for what? Nothing. No way to find a job in this economy, so now I´m flippin burgers and barely making a living. I have one friend that I keep in touch with. Most of my friends are married with children by now, but me, I´m single still and i just turned thirty three weeks ago. Had a really good friend that I had an awesome relationship with but she moved abroad 6 months ago. My mom passed away couple of years back around the same time I was starting grad school again. A few months later my dad got diagnosed with cancer. He´s ok now, thank god. But those months really took their toll. This however doesn´t change the fact that we don´t really get along. Everytime we talk we fight, wich basically makes me want not to talk at all. Around the same time all of this was going on I fell in love. Basically for the first time in my life. We saw each other for a few months but then right before my midterms, he dumped me. My siblings all have families of their own and their own problems to deal with, so I don´t really hear from them that often. Because I´m the only one who is alone and jobless it has basically become my job to take care of my 90 year old grandma. Don´t get me wrong, I love her to death, but I feel I´m dealing with problems I shouldn´t be dealing with at my age. I feel like I don´t get a chance to start a life own because I´m stuck dealing with problems that got dumped on me since my mom died. There´s simply no other way to put it, f--k my life.

My life is a train wreck

A train wreck is the best way to sum up my life. I am a single mother of two ADHD boys they are 11 and 15. Their father is non-exestant. My parents are no longer living and I live in a state with no family at all. My oldest son has decided that he would like to smoke and sell weed and ditch school all the time. My youngest has been expelled from the school bus so now I have to go to work a 5am and work for two hours, come home take him to school, go back to work and leave in time to pick him up. I have now been evicted from my apartment because my kids are constantly causing trouble at our complex. I've gone to every counsoler every ADHD doctor, the police EVERYONE for help and I've been brushed off or fallen through the cracks at every turn. I'm exhuasted and so depressed I just don't care about anything any more. My husband left me several years ago....recently I found happiness again and my children have made sure that it won't last...he has also left because my kids are just too much! I love my children because they are all I have but honestly I think that they and the rest of the world would be better off with out me! I fail at everything and I just don't know how to change! I think I'm too lazy to change.

trapped

I'm 19 with a 10 month old son. My partner has done hardly anything to help with looking after him, is too lazy to get up and look for a job so he just stays up all night playing xbox and smoking weed. He doesn't tidy up after himself or do anything around the house. I've had no support from him at all he abandoned me when the baby was born. He's snappy and calls me names, smashed 9 phones up in 10 months, always thretening to smash stuff when he's angry. He won't let me go out to get a job because he doesn't want the baby to go into nursery with strangers which I understand but he won't look after him to let me work. We are currently on benefits which I hate but he doesn't seem to care, we've gone weeks without money before because he's been to lazy to contact the jobcenter, we never have any money but he always finds money to buy weed. Plenty of times been stuck in the situation with no money and no food and even no baby milk but that still doesn't inspire him to look after us. I'm stuck in most of the time becasue I have no money to go out or for the bus to meet people and no one makes the effort to come and see me. We are constantly arguing and I don't love him but he refuses to leave and miss out on our son growing up even though I told him we could have joint custody. My mum lives on the otherside of the country and my dad isn't the sort of person I can turn to. It feels like the happy teenager I used to be is dead and now I really hate my life! I'd be so much happier if it was just me and my son and he was out the picture.

my life suck since day 1

hi evryone this is my life. when i was a kid my dad used to drink atleest twice a week and then beat up my mom infront of me and my brother telling us stuff that started when i was like 8 years old and hapened till i was 13, we used to run aways a lot and go back and again for a lot of times. then my mom got new one year after divorce and same thing hapened till i was 18. i realy think my life suck and i dont see a way to get it better what do you think.
well to be ontiniued since is probably gona suck more

I am really thinking about hanging myself. I am 30, unemployed and unable to support myself. I had to move back in with my Mum and sleep on a fold out sofa in a spare room. Its so humiliating. I was a marine but I was discharged because of injuries I got in my knees from training, I never deployed. I had got a job on this farm, but the owner was insane, he beat the animals and never paid me. I lived in the middle of nowhere nad spend all my time on my own, my only friend was this sheepdog I found there. When I left I brought her with me, but I cant look after her and dont know what to do.

All my old school friends are married, with jobs and lives but I literally have nothing. Seeing them makes me feel so shit. All my relationships brake down, my girlfriend left me for her boss. I loved her so much and was really angry, I said I would kill him if I saw him and called her some terrible names. I dont know what that makes me, she wont speak to me now. I keep having people shout at me and get nasty because they misunderstand things I say or do, I just cant seem to communicate. All my relationships have broken down, i just sit inside all day, so angry.

I know there are people in the world with even less than me, I just feel so alone in my life and unhappiness and cant see anyway out of it. Id be embarrased to hang myself, but because i feel like my life is of no benefit to anyone I feel so negative. Ive never felt like this before, just so scared its only gonna get worse and feel really really lonely

Lonely Rant

Dear Internet,

You can call me James. No, James is too romantic a name. How can I come up with a name that has no cultural attachments to it? Argg!

Call me... Spartacus.

Ok. Ok. My real name's Blake.

I'm a lonely man. I'll try to paint a somewhat accurate and hopefully non-masturbatory image for you of what I look like, my background, and how others perceive me.

I'm a young white male; 23. I'm 6'1, athletic, light brown hair, green eyes, hairy, a jutting chin like Gaston and the brooding brow of David Boreanaz.

I come from a decently wealthy family. Growing up my parents were divorced, and so I experienced some mild trauma, but nothing too bad. I got basically whatever I wanted, though I was instilled with a good work ethic from my father and had to pay for the big things (such as car, apartment). Coming from a well-to-do family, my whole college education was paid for. I received my B.A. in English last year.

Failing to get into grad school, and at the shallow end of a dying relationship with a girl, I chose to travel abroad to Korea and teach little kids English.

I've been here three months. The pay is nice, I have friendly co-workers, and my own apartment.

I work out 5-6 days a week. I'm very critical of my body, but also have become somewhat vain about it. I'm working on my "next book" and am on page 7. I also write poetry on occasion (mostly emotional jargon about my ex).

Ok, Ok...

Really Lonely Tonight

I really dont understand why I am still here on earth. Im a fat black bald headed female who has begged God over and over to send me someone to love me for who I am but nothing. Those God really exist in the way we think. Maybe He doesnt really provide for us. Im just so tired of being the friend who never has a man. And when I do find a guy he is usually a piece of crap. I must be the worst person on earth. Maybe I dont deserve to be in love with anyone. Maybe Ive done too much wrong. I dont know all I know is Im tired of crying for love. I would kill myself but I dont want my daughter to grow up without a mother. Why am I here? What is my real purpose for breathing. When is this life thing gonna be over? The only problem with dying is I dont want to leave this hell on earth to go to another hell. This is a lose lose situation. So freaking frustrated and sad. Did I mention depressed.

loosing it ...

Been reading through many stories here so decided to add mine aswell for the heck of it.

to keep a very long story short...
I been out work for 4 years now since my father left my mother for another women. My mother went from manic depressed spirit talker to super logic denying holy spirit christian. "holy spirit" talks to her and whatever she says is from "holy spirit" and is the truth. Whatever i say is bollocs
She does not listen to reason neither can she listen to basic housekeeping rules.

my older brother after loosing his flat to a bulldoser eager to build a newer, modern flat, is back at my mom's house too. He works and pays my mother rent but expects me to clean up after him too because i don't pay rent so basically i'm doing housework for 2 people that just cannot give a damn about how they mess because houseboy me will clean it up anyway. My brother rewards me with a combination of nothing and a fat lip for the effort.

My education sucks, comparable to 8th grade in the US educational system. not because i am stupid or a dropout (I have an IQ of 128) but because my father did not do any research on the educational system at my current location when he took me out of school after 8th grade when he decided to leave his debt and dead-end career in search for a refresh in his homeland. Not regarding the fact that i'll end up in the lesser-minded state funded school that only goes untill 9th class (which cannot even compair to t...

Our World Our Country Made Us depressed.

Sadly for me I found out what dperession was over 20yrs ago, I have always tried to stop it from taking over my life, and up until 5yrs ago I was winning the battle. Since I was child I have always had issues! but have'nt we all, I suffered from eating disorders coursed by situations I came across in life, Only thing that ever kept me going was the availability to work, we could pick and choice almost were we wanted to work and whom we wanted to work for! I was always able to turn a bad situation around, I was never unemployed I even moved over 200miles away from my friends and family to be able to have a good job and better life, I have worked from the age of 15yrs up till i fell pregnant at the age of 37yrs old 22yrs without ever being unemployed and without handouts from our so called goverment, I am now 44yrs old with a 9yr old little girl, in the past 5yrs I have lost everything, my daughter was 3yrs old when I lost my beautiful home,I had to give most of my things I had worked so hard for away, or leave them in the street, we were put into a b+b by the council 16wks there, then into an hostile,I had a room with nothing in it and nothing to put in it, whilst I was there I was badly sexualy assulted which ended up taking a yr in crown court, Now I live on £78.00wk It goes much deeper than you can imagin, but the only thing that hurts the most is what my country has {not} done for me, It would not be politicaly correct to look after your own, Since my attact i have not been able to leave my home without starting to panic, sweat, and shake, and what do the goverment do to me? why stop the money of a single mum who has paid her due's??? they take from there own and give to stranger's? as it is writen, MAN WILL DESTROY MAN

husband

Well this is the first time i am writing on this wall. Ok here i go maybe someone out there can relate to my story....I have been married for 19 years and have 3 beautiful girls. I knew from the begin he was no good but i didn't listen and moved out of my house just to be with him, even thou i knew he was a liar, cheating, etc. I have bailed him out of jail god knows how many times. He was even getting deported, we already had our first child, and i bailed him out again, even when his family all turned there heads on him i was there. He use to drink alot and still does never changed from 19 years ago. I thought by having another child we could save what we have (stupid) so our second daughter was born. I bought a house and things never changed for us, he has no respect for me whats so ever. Police was called so many times to our house because of him drinking and getting very nasty and in return i would also get nasty to him I know that is not right. He would always be out come home when ever he felt like it no family values whats so ever he was raised like that where his dad walked all over his mother. very abusive and he is his father. we had our third daughter and we moved back to my old town and i bought a house there same shit just different day. He blames me for him having an affair that i caught him and also blames me for trying to start something up with his best friend's girlfriend which whom i introduced him to (she was a very good friend of mine) after what my h...