| | Posted by anonymous at May 26, 2012 |
I'm 30 years old and been depressed for a long time now, I have no friends, they all drifted away a long time ago. I live with my girlfriend of three years and our two year old son. Every morning I wake up and its the same routine as the day before. I do all the house work,dishes,laundry,vacuuming etc. I no longer ask for help because that just causes a fight. I wish I had more energy to play with my son but we just stick him with his ipad so he's out of our way and he plays it all day and that makes me sad. I work nights 3 days a week which is not enough. I wake up late so my days are that much shorter. My gf has a calling job from home and is beginning to despise me because I'm so negative. I agree that I am...what's there to be happy about? I do all the house work, all the driving and get nagged by her daily for not having a better job. She is somewhat of a big spender and goes to the bar on a regular basis while I sit at home babysitting our son. She loves attention from other men and I had many guys texting her asking if they are still running away together or asking if her boring bf is gone, and at one point she even brought a guy home when I was at work, a guy she told me she knew from high school but later confessed she met him for the first time at the bar and he was coming on to her. Not only was I mad that she did that but I was furious that she would put our son in danger. Despite all this I do know she never cheated on me but she says she does this because I ... |
| | Posted by FUCKED at May 26, 2012 |
I had a pretty normal childhood. Lots of friends, but never felt I quite fit in. Girls liked me, but when I started to look different around 14, I would get teased sometimes and hardly ever dated in high school. I'd say I'm probably better than average looking, but when I look at myself in the mirror sometimes I want to puke. When to college and dropped out a year before I was supposed to graduate. I was a total pot head for years & had a bad acid trip that fucked me up for a while. I started getting my shit together and by the time I was 25 I was a buyer for a real cool company and had a nice place of my own. My world changed when I was 26 and was diagnosed with OCD & depression. The OCD makes me feel crazy. It got so bad that I tried to off myself when I was 28. I couldn't figure another way out. By the time I was 30 I was doing well again getting treatment, making decent money, living alone in a nice city, getting laid, but unable to maintain any relationships. I was always a loving, caring person, but the OCD makes you doubt everything from some of the sick thoughts you get. It's like you have to be reprogrammed to walk or something. My biggest fear is that I do something that may put somebody at risk inadventantly. I feel like I'm responsible for people to a level where it's just crazy. Anyway, I lost my job by the time I was 38 and went off my meds...a really bad combination. Back on the meds but broke at 40 and had to move bad to my hometown and my parents house. I... |
| | Posted by carly at May 25, 2012 |
I'm a depressive person... I just hate my life right now I was unhappy all my life nobody cares if I'm alright ... I just get married a few months ago I moved to another country because I was fall in love but then I was away from my mom my friends and my normal life because of love and now I'm crying because I have problems with my husband he is a good guy but WHEN he wants to be mean he is good! AND make my life a big black hole....I just feel stuck I cant go to school I cant work I cant have my own money I cant drive I cant go out because I don't have FRIENDS.. I just hate my life I JUST FEEL that I cant keep living.... I was a singer in my country I was doing a good job and when I moved every possibilities to be a singer in the future disappear ... I supposed the people told me don't get married you going to get divorce I was blind..... I just feel like a waste of time ... SHIT ! |
| | Posted by IAmCalamity at May 24, 2012 |
Everything is falling apart around me! Everything! I don't know how to explain this, I don't know what to write. But everything is receding into blackness, my loves, my hopes, my self. This must seem ambiguous, but I don't have the energy to put very much effort into an explanation, except to say that my family is utterly in ruins, my friends are becoming fewer and farther between, the gap between me and society -- the ephemeral chatter of society -- is widening (still!), and I have given up all hope of ever finding love, of any kind or for any length of time -- this is no hyperbole, I see this now as a harsh reality; hope -- hope for love, for acceptance, for understanding -- hope would now require an enormous feat of intellectual dishonesty.
I am alone, I have always been alone, I will remain to be alone -- that much seems absolute. What prospects am I faced with? An endless nothingness without any point of reference; thought has killed conviction.
And you -- you high and mighty arbiters of what is and isn't pain -- judge this all you may, but you can't unsee it!
Disaster, isolation, neglect, lovelessness, hopelessness -- I must not only accept my circumstances, I must love them; if I can not do this, I am lost. To be exalted by nothingness, to be fulfilled by it, to be able to stare into an abyss and roar with laughter -- that would be a magnificent act! |
| | Posted by dargor at May 24, 2012 |
I'm 20 years old and for the most part had a great childhood. I got straight A's and was known as the smartest kid in school. I was also a talented violinist. That all changed when I was around 14. My parents went through a bitter divorce, after my dad found out my mom cheated. I was tossed back and forth between them, and basically being used as a pawn. I developed severe depression and anxiety disorders, but since the psychiatrists in this area are so incompetent, they never came up with a diagnosis. They just had me committed to a mental hospital 4 times during my adolescence and early adulthood. During one of the stays they forced me to take a controversial drug which caused me permanent nerve damage. Since then I have flunked out of college, been fired from 3 different jobs, and failed at every relationship I've ever had. I moved 300 miles away from home to be with a guy and right after the move, found out he was cheating and only wanted me for sex. No one will hire me, school is so expensive I can't go back, and I can't even enjoy playing the violin anymore because my nerves are so damaged, I can't even hold the bow. I wish I could hold it just steady enough to play myself a sad song... I never ever dreamed my life would turn out this way. |
| | Posted by anon at May 24, 2012 |
My life sucks becase I am a 21 year old looser. I've been on the bottom of the ladder for my whole life. I used to always say stupid bizzare or retarded shit just because I hate myself so much that it just came naturally to make a fool out of myself. Now I'm totally freaked out at the fact that word of my behavior has spread around a little bit, I feel like everyone knows me and thinks I'm a freak, crazy or a piece of shit. I rarely go outside anymore to avoid human contact. I feel hopeless, I have no skills or talents, the personality of a wet cardboard box. I hate a lot about society, I hate how people dont do anything to change things they just do their job so they can retire and shit. I really dont want to be around people who are so aware of what a fuck up I am, its making it so I cant even make myself go outside anymore. Maybe one day I'll move away and.... see the problem is my attitude because of my low self esteem, other people have been putting me down my whole life, especially my family so im just a broken shell of a person. I cant think positively so I can't behave or interact positively, I'm basically fucked. |
| | Posted by DustyJ at May 24, 2012 |
Well well where to start....Guess I can begin with my age which is 24...I am currently living with my parents. I dropped out of highschool at the end of my senior year because I just didn't want to wake up and go to school anymore. I was overweight and just liked to sit at home playing video games. I am a pretty smart guy which has come in really handy for lying my way through the endless bullshit my life has been. I've never been completely honest with anyone and don't want anyone to know the real me...I have lived in California and got to make up a whole new version of myself. I lost lots of weight things were good...then I sabotage myself again and all back into the same hole.....Went off to college...partied my way through an entire semester finishing with a .3 GPA (Yes ladies and Gentlemen it can be done) SO now I flunked out of college....got nice and fat again and moved back in with the parents. So I make another trip out to Cali....lose lots of weight...while pretending to be another version of myself yet again. So I finish up there move to florida with what little money I have and get a job....this last all of 6 months...which is probably the longest I've committed to anything in my life without quitting or destroying any possible future....SOOO now....I am this 24 year old virgin...with no money...no education...living with my parents again...approaching 400 lbs.(for the 3rd time in my life)...oh not to mention my penis is less than average making any self estee... |
| | Posted by anon at May 23, 2012 |
Since as early as I can remember I had been picked on daily through my school life. It started when a couple kids decided to throw sand in my face in pre-school. Yes I can remember that far back. From there it was a daily routine right through primary school and secondary school of physical and mental torture. Had even been hospitalised several times because of it.
Finishing school with a score so low I was unable to enter any classes at university I wanted, I went out looking for a job. I had got a few very ordinary low paying jobs but it was a start. Moved into different cities to find better work however I was too unqualified to get anything good.
Fast forward to today. I am 32 years old, live with my parents. Don't earn enough to live by myself. Had 3 distant relationships with girls that only lasted a couple months. Had sex only once with a prositute. Watching all my friends around me grow up, buy houses, have families and move on with their lives. Im stuck going no where. I have been looking but women these days want someone successful. For more than 10 years I have wanted someone to hold me and love me but to me now, it is all a fantasy. I have even tried dating sites. Sent out 100's of contacts to women and have got ZERO replies. Not even just to be friends.
Shit job.
No qualifications.
Depression, anxiety, stress through the roof on a daily basis.
Even my psycologist said my life was setup for failure.
Can't afford to live by myself.
No girl friend.
Feel like I am a waste of space.
What is the point.
Next time my parents go away for the weekend. I plan on going to the beach, try and swim out as far as I can until I am exhausted and drown. Should be easy considering I am also not a very good swimmer. |
| | Posted by anonymous at May 22, 2012 |
Beware: this is just some stupid insignificant bitch moaning about nothing at all.
I shouldn't be complaining. the worst is over. six months ago the neighbours filed a complaint. they heard Dad screaming. He was kicking me at the time. I was taken into my Grans care. people found out about my parents abuse of me. and my cutting.
I couldn't act anymore. pretend everything is ok, smile, whatever. people stared at me in hallways and whisper. I've pushed everyone away but people won't accept that who I was before was a cover up. I'm nothing. i'm so ugly, stupid and disgusting. I wish I was dead. but I can't. I owe more then that to my grandmother. she's the only one who's loved me unconditionally. but even she can't see the pain I'm in. I cut myself daily and can't eat a decent meal without puking it out. I want to stop but I've no idea how. I feel like they're the only things keeping me alive. I cry myself to sleep each night and wish I wasn't me.
I have no idea what the hell is wrong with me. when I'm not a selfish bitch my mind is reliving memories of being beaten; being told I'm nothing. I know everyone things I'm a freak. behind the sympathetic smile it's just disgust.
my life is meaningless and insignificant. I guess I deserve it with all the shit I've done. I deserve worse.
people should give up on me. I'm not worth it
then I could end this guiltlessly
I'm too stupid and weak to get out of this cycle
what is wrong with me
oh yeah, I'm a stupid, ignorant, ugly freak |
| | Posted by JustSomeGirl at May 21, 2012 |
I hate my life, and I always have. No one knows but I have come to secretly hate every thing person on this planet. I am a 26 year old college student. I have always been told I was beautiful (even modeled at one point) but I have never ever felt like I was, because inside is a dark, hateful person. I actually feel joy at the demise of certain people, and it's my sickening reality.
Growing up, I was always very creative, happy and outspoken. I had a seemingly normal childhood. Vacations, holidays, birthdays, sports, shopping. Normal shit. Both of my parents were in the Marine Corps until I was about 4. But throughout my entire childhood I was hiding a very sad secret: my father sexually abused me when my mother wasn't home from ages 4-7. I was too young to know how terrible what he was doing to me was, so to me it was normal. I gre to understand, and so did his rage toward me and most of the people around him. He drank about an 18 pack of beer a day. He always worked a steady job though, so to the outside world, he was just a hard working father. But at home, he was verbally abusive and would punch or kick me when I was "acting up". Although I was close to my mother, to this day she thinks I "pushed him too far". Right.
Since I can remember, I have loved helping and empathizing with others. I always knew I wanted to go into psychology, and learn more about childhood development, partially so I can better understand what I went through myself. I just finished my ... |
| | Posted by sam at May 21, 2012 |
Ive spent my whole life just being quiet. Mentally ive had 100s of freinds realky ive probably had one. One real one at least. Today was my birthday. I got alot of happy birthdays. But they just seem so plastic. I mean if you have to tell people its your birth day then im sorry because I know how it feels to tell someone you thought was your freind that its your birthday they cant be a real freind.
This isnt the only thing that makes me sucidal. Stuff like this has been happening all my life and im fucken done with it.
Its selfish that I want to kill myself. I read these other stories and think my life isnt as bad as some of these peoples are. But im gonna do it I dont know when but im gonna hang myself |
| | Posted by anonymous at May 21, 2012 |
Nobody knows me, nobody cares, nobody listens, nobody stares. I feel like I don't exist, I feel like I'm not even here. When I talk to people, they do not. When I help people, they do not. So basically I'm just a human male, in a inhuman world. Living in an planetary zoo, and no one knows that I'm alone... |
| | Posted by anonymous at May 21, 2012 |
I want to die painlessly and quickly; a few shots to the head or maybe an explosion would be ideal. I've been making plans and experimenting for it must be over a year now. But the day I'll be able to kill myself still feels like a long way off. I've still only got to the stage where I've made a blasting cap to set off the main explosive.
I don't understand how people can be so selfish as to not care about the fact another human being is alive whilst never wanting to be. Particularly my parents are the selfish ones; fine, have a kid and see if it enjoys life... That's fair enough I guess. But then when that kid consistently tells you it wished it never existed and wants to die WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU KEEP IT ALIVE?!?! It's fucking disgusting. They should at least have the courtesy to kill me. They made the decision to bring me in to this world without my input so THEY'RE responsible for giving me a way out!
It pisses me off enough for me to think about mass murder with my suicide. To pack as many explosives into my backpack as possible, travel to the nearest city and get on a busy bus and destroy hundreds of peoples lives. Legalise assisted suicide for the long term mentally ill and I'd imagine suicide bombings would become a thing of the past. This society is sadistic and disgusting |
| | Posted by DontCare at May 21, 2012 |
dunno where to start, but what im tryna say overall is that i really believe my life is a fuckin' dead end. i think about it all the time , no matter what people say , i think my life sucks and dont enjoy it at all . punched the wall of my room a thousand time. have ZERO! self-esteem , keep my head down all the time . i think i cant blend in. sit behind PC almost 10 hrs. i hate my damn life :| |
| | Posted by Devil at May 19, 2012 |
I am not sure why I hate my life and people. Everyone tells me how blessed I am. I guess Im just sick of hearing it. My brother molested me when I was younger, there friends did as well. I am not even sure they know have they screwed up my life.
My mother always seemed preoccupied with stuff rather than her family and my dad worked all the time. I have always felt alone and not wanted.
Now that I m older, I met a man and got married, I had twins with him and I hate my kids. I wish they were never born. I think of killing myself all the time. I am so depressed that i just lock them in their room and never leave the house. I can't stand for my husband to touch me, I don't know how it will ever get better.
I want to adopt out the kids so I don't ruin their lives, but my husband says no. Of course he gets to go to work all day and does not have to listen to two 2 year olds scream all day. I mean scream, there has not been 1 day that they have ever not been screaming. They take turns, they fight, I can't go anywhere cause all they do is scream in the car. I think about driving off a cliff or going head first into a simi, but I am scared that I won't die, ill just get maimed.
Every time I leave the house and return I hope to come back and find that I have just had a nightmare and it is just me and my husband and my successful business. I think about getting a job but when I have checked around I would actually be paying out money every week... |
| | Posted by anonymous at May 19, 2012 |
I suppose in the last 10 years of my life, during numerous hard times, the one thing that has kept me going is the idea: 'things will get better'. Put simply, they just havent.
I see a lot of solutions put forward by people on this site and elsewhere, and know that i have tried many. Religion, Diet, Exercise, Drugs, Natural Therapies, Natural Substances, Change of Routine, Counselling, Positive Outlook, Charity Work Keeping Busy, blah blah i could go on. None of them have proven to be a solution.
Right now, i should be peaking in life. Im 24 and probably at my physical and mental best. Ive learned much in these last 10 years, become stronger, smarter, more aware, more independent, more skillfull, wealthier, but my will to go on with this life is waning.
My motivation, self confidence, happiness, and hopes of a bright future all disappeared years ago and never looked like coming back. All that is left now is anxiety and depression, a vicous cycle of the two. This has also lead to various other health implications. It should go without saying that ive never had a close relationship with anyone in my entire life.
Spending so much time alone as i do, for what seems like forever ive asked questions, am i different somehow? is there something medically wrong with me? (Not that i know of) why do other people socialise and fit in and pick up things so easily? Why am i excluded? How are people so happy with their lot? Dont they see all their i... |
| | Posted by anonymous at May 19, 2012 |
I hate my life. I feel trapped in a prison of hell and I can't get out. I've grown up my whole life with divorced parents my fathers an alcoholic women beater and a wonderful mother who only cares about men and her appearance. I've been beaten my whole life, I've bee starved, my clothing taken away, molested, and just alone. I've lived with at least every family member because no one ever wanted to take care of me they passed me around like I was a hot potato. Never really had any friends and when I did something crazy would always happen for no reason can't have relationships with men either every time I do I'm either getting used for sex or cheated on because I'm just the one they want on there arm not to love. Every one important in my life or remotely important has died I've been to more funerals in my life in the past 20 years than most people do in there life. I just wish my life was better I'm depressed I can't ever seem to get myself out of my bed I'm always angry for nothing I just want to end it all maybe I wouldn't hurt anymore. |
| | Posted by anonymous at May 19, 2012 |
Ive just turn 18 and tonight i'm prteey much sat in my bed crying, my life sucks. I am in college and at first i tought things would finally work out for me after i've finished high school but no, i keep crying myself to sleep, i keepfeeling this pain in my chest. I honestly believe that i'm gonna die alone and that scares the shit out of me. I know i can't keep a friendship or anything like that. I spend the most part of my time in home alone. I just wish i could have someone to talk to and to tell me that everything would be ok but instead of that i try my best to cry in silence so my family wont notice that i'm crying in the dark.
I need help, i'm not okay, but no one notices how bad i am so i just wake up every morning and pretend that everything is alright, i fake a smile and keep with my life. I like college because it keeps me busy, so busy that i can't think about my pain. But when friday arrives i stay in my room alone and all i can think is how fucking lonely i am and that is so painful.
I'm tired, so tired, it aint even fair.
I just wish someone could hug me and say that i'm gonna be alright, but no one will ever do it. |
| | Posted by CHRISTINA at May 19, 2012 |
i know how it feels to be completely alone. I was adopted when i was younger into a family of about 10 kids who are nothing like me no one anywhere is like me no matter how hard i look. I work so much almost everyday to barely be able to pay my bills and not even able to save anything i'm also in school, paying rent to my mom and her bum ass husband lol and i never get a single break. and the one person who made things seem just a little bit ok well she's gone and I cant find anyone like her. i have depression and mood swings and I cant afford health insurance i really can't afford anything so I can't go to therapy and get better so I had to let her go, because im too fucked to be around anyone right now its the hardest thing in the world letting her go and it kills me inside everyday but i know its for the best. i wish i could just run away so bad leave all these people who mean nothing to me and they so called friends in the dust i mean they probably wouldn't even notice i was gone honestly no one really checks up on me. i should just die |
| | Posted by anonymous at May 19, 2012 |
when i was a child i was cute and people would tell me how handsome i was. then after puberty i became ugly as hell and was bullied. now im 21 and im just dull average looking but not ugly. i believed in my horrible teen years i would become attractive as a young adult and score with the ladies but it never happened. never became a beutiful swan. im thinking of suicide. people like me dont deserve to live. im sick of women in public not looking at me. no woman wants an average joe like me. women like stuck up guys with confidence and dont like nice guys like me. i do alot of charity work and i love to help out people but women only go for bad boys. i really do think i should kill myself. i know my family would be sad and be miserable for the rest of there lives but thats just the way it is. i will be happy after i die. |
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