LIFE SUCKS : Sociopathy

God, I wish I could buy vodka on my own

I want to be alone, and I hate being alone at the exact same time.
I want to be able to just be by myself but then when the weekend comes everyone wants me to go out with them.
The only problem is that I am not social. I don't really understand how to make the transition from someone I randomly talk to to friendship. I feel like I bother people when I try.
I don't want to be rejected. I just end up feeling so embarrassed and dumb.
I just don't know how to be social, but I want to be, but I also just want to be alone. I know that makes no sense.
I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like a loser and lame.
There are so many things I need to change...

Internal Conflict

I don't know how to describe it. For the past hour and a half I've been typing and deleting this message. What's there to say that hasn't been said before? My story isn't uncommon. I'm just another teenager with depression. My doctor says it's a hereditary trait but I just think there's something wrong with me.

Every day I wake up and tell myself "it's just school". But really, it's more than that, I wouldn't feel like screaming if it was just school. It's people. Being around other people makes me hate being alive. I know why. Long, sleepless nights have been dedicated to trying to figure out why. I've come to the conclusion that seeing them laugh, cry, or even just sit there is truly beautiful. And I am ugly.

Not in a physical sense alone. In a mental way. Just by reading these short paragraphs you can tell I'm a warped thinker. I want to break my bones. I want to vomit. I want to kill myself in a crowd of people. I want to hit, kick, claw, and bite. But at the same time I don't! I really don't! I want to sing, dance, and make everyone smile with me.

I'm falling apart. I'm 15 and feel ancient. I've felt this way for 4 years and I don't know what to do anymore.

I'm pushing everyone away.

I hate me.

I feel so angry. But that's just today. Tomorrow I'll feel sad, or jealous, or maybe I'll be fortunate enough for a day of happiness.

My interesting life

Yup, I have a sucky life too!

Cant complain about my childhood or anything like that, but I have only had one friend in my entire life, and we quit seeing each other a couple of years ago.

Never had a girlfriend or ANY romantic/sexual experience whatsoever (unless you count family hugs) despite being 21 years old.

Worked for a while, then started studying only to discover that I can't function normally around people due to social anxiety.

After that, as if it wasn't bad enough, I got depressed and couldn't even get out of my bed for a while.

Since I was three, video games has always been the most fun there is, and now I'm staring to tire of them and there is nothing to take that place.
So I spend my days either sleeping/resting or sitting in front of the computer.

Now I am taking pills for the depression and they take away some of the emotional pain, but life is still very bland, and nothing is exciting.

I am absolutely sure i will never be able to get a satisfying social life, and the knowledge kills me inside day by day...

I have some kind of social disorder

This is first time I am sharing with anyone how I feel. Throughout my I have always felt depressed and lonely. I don't know why and when this happened. I can't ever remember having true friends and its been 18 years. Somehow, all the people I end up trusting , end up leaving me and humiliating me. This has happened with almost 4 times with people I used to call my "best friends". To top it all off, though I do having generally loving and caring parents, my mom struggled through depression for a few years and even tried to commit suicide and had to be hospitalized. Also , sometimes my dad goes in a angry rage and beats my mom and goes into a rage against us.

I have almost no confidence, no friends due to being in boarding school and for years being bullied and tormented by everyone around me. My looks(I am tall,dark and very skinny; which is very bad if your are asian) have always been a constant thing that people have fun of me to a point where in the last years of school I have had constant thoughts of suicide and I used to cry every night.

The only thing I have to support myself and take pride in, is that I make good grades and am I extremely good grades. I have almost perfect GPAs, yet for some reason, I have ended up in the same uni as the kids who made fun of me in high school. Even the new "friends" I made in college are making fun of me and generally try to avoid me and tell me how it is so much better without me. Even my roommate with whom I thought I had always a very nice relationship is constantly bitching about how he is going to move out and be so much better off without me. I have always been nice to him, never got in his way and helped him in out whenever he needed it. I just don't understand why everyone I make contact end up hating me and then in turn humiliating me.

Though I am grateful for the things I do have, I suffer from constant and at times severe depression.

my life is shit

I have been living in a new country for 2 years. The country I always dreamed of living in. I'm a citizen of this beautiful country but my social skills suck. I'm shy.. horribly shy and antisocial. Not by choice, I've always been this way and always had to "force" myself to talk to people or be a little more outgoing.. but its not in my nature and I constantly suffer (in my head) for it.
I don't have a single friend here, I've been fired or quit jobs due to my social skills.
It hurts not to have friends.
I have a long term relationship, which is the only good thing going for me but he is constantly frustrated by my shitty social skills. How do you even change that?! how do you become more outgoing? I'm 30 years old and I haven't changed no matter what I do.. I've been through therapists, medication, drama school, acting classes, community groups but nothing seems to make me change. I have a constant desire to be more outgoing but end up feeling ackward and uncomfortable in social situations which in the end means I kick myself for it... I hate myself for being this way.

I haven't had a job in 5 months, I've gained weight during these 5 months too which affects my self esteem. The constant being at home doing nothing is making me eat non stop. My partner doesn't find me as attractive anymore.

I have an awful feeling I am pregnant. I haven't had my period for a week (and I'm extremely regular). No job and now I worry I am pregnant (I'm taking a pregnancy test tomorrow). My partner wants us to move out (we are in a shared accomodation at the moment) but it all depends on me getting a job for us to be able to rent a place somewhere else. I'm scared it won't work out. I don't want to depend on him financially.. I CAN'T! we can't afford this!
we can't afford any of this, my life is a massive mess.

where is my life going?

I feel like a bit of a social outcast. I'm an out and out nerd. Sometimes i drink alone at home - i feel it is a good way to get out raw ideas and emotions. I'm soon to be 20. I feel like i haven't achieved enough considering my age. i've never had a boyfriend, i am still a virgin and I am in my first year at college. For money I give out flyers for money. I don't realLy have a definite question - just unsure of where my life is going. Any comments are greatly appreciated. Thanks xx

pathetic hermit.

I'm just going to be brief about this. I recieved a decent education and made friends but now they're all dead, addicted or have moved overseas. I have absolutely nobody in the whole world. I have lost all money. I am antisocial and basicly a hermit. I've had uncountable unsuccessful job applications, I gave up 4 years ago, I'm currently 33 years old. I don't have a home, I live outside of the towns in a sort of cave where I grow my own food which I barely get by on as well as trapping rabbits. I use this library computer terminal every now and then but most of my life now is devoted to merely sustaining myself. I can't get a job and all my education has gone to waste. I haven't been able to properly interact with people in years. I think if I got a gun I'd probably kill myself but of course I don't have one. All I can do is pray a rock will fall on me and it'll all be over.

duno wat to do

hi im stuck hard! well i was in a serious relationship for bout 6 months i started to settle down because she had a kid an things were starting to go good for me until i joined fb and it all went wrong.after we broke up things just kept goin wrong so called friends started lieing to me and i started becoming paranoid.i started using drugz heavily again and now become insocialable and paranoid all the time iv lost all my so called friends iv found out my x has been sleeping around the group and has now destroyied everything for me. i suffer from social axiety so meeting new people has always been dificult i duno wat to do im stuck an feeling xtremely depressed and i now cant trust no 1 plz help!

In Opposition

I'm 22 and I really wish I'd just cease to exist. I'm too much of a pussy to actually kill myself. Since childhood, I've already noticed that I was different. No, not insane or mentally retarded but just too excessively shy and antisocial. But I want to be with people, too. Sure, I have friends and I have a perfect loving family anyone could ask for but, like the cliché goes "It's not you; it's me." I've also never been bullied - well maybe once in high school but bullying here in the country where I'm from is not a social norm and there was reconciliation after that instance when I did get bullied. I'm my own worst enemy. I'm my own monster. I grew up a loner though I had a good company of people around me. I don't know why but I generally want to be alone. I push people away when they start getting close. No, I distance myself away from them - AND I don't fucking know why? I hate myself being like this. When I am alone, that's when I crave for their company. I also have social anxiety issues. I can't stand being in public. Three years ago, things finally got out of hand, I remember that fateful week when I'd wake up in the morning and no longer have the desire to get up and do anything. My parents accompanied me to a psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and was prescribed to take Zoloft for the next 6 months. Things are better now but still, I get episodic attacks of depression every once in a while. And I really hate that! I can't possibly...

I cant take this

I NEED TO KILL MYSELF but Im to chickenshit to do it. Ive never felt so empty and drained. I can barely get myself up because I lay in bed for hours thinking about the only women Ive ever made love to and how much I miss her. I sleep so much yet Im tired all the time like I barely sleep at all, and I still live with my mom. I have major depression and my confidence/self esteem is shot to shit so I know ill never make love again. My ex was my everything, she was the reason I pushed my self to get my shit together. Now I have no job no car no money no life, the few jobs I had were horrible and knowone will hire me now no matter how much I apply. Before her I was almost as bad as I am now, but I was so much stronger and had alot of friends to make it better. Now I am truley broken and alone... She took the last of my hope, the last of my light, and crushed it into empty bleak despair. I have nothing, I have knowone, Im going to just wither and wast away in this room anyway so I should just man up and jump to my death since I cant afford a gun. What makes it all so much worse is knowing its all my fault, and that Im to weak and pathetic to fight this terrible acheing depression. Fuck ive never felt this hollow and lifeless, so terrified and useless. I hate being around other people, and the idea of getting laid/getting a gf is laughable since im so scared of rejection and not being good enough sexualy or mentaly(one girl I tryed to talk to just laughed at me and another just walked away while I was talking). Im just a pathetic overly sensitive momas boy loser and I need to just die

screw this stuff

i truly hate my life. i am pretty sure i suffer from a mild case of autism which makes college the worst time of my life. I am smart enough to do well with out much work but i have the social skills of a five year old. this has left me alone. sitting in my dorm while everyone else is out. Socializing and social settings are stressful and I noticed i am overwhelmed when talking to more than one person. To compound this my dad
does not understand and calls me weird.

Summary

I'm an 18yo with bi-polar depression. My family life isn't that great, My mother was too busy with her abusive boyfriend while i was growing up, my sister and i can't be in the same room for 5 minutes, my dad was largely absent for my childhood and trying(failing) to make up for it now. My best friend refuses to spend any time with me or take my calls due to his girlfriend (who hates me). The reason we became friends is our mutual affection for the ganja (shrink says it's unrelated to my depression). I was a loner at school who always kept quiet and withdrawn at the back of the classroom. I struggle to hold conversations with strangers which makes employment and romance cripplingly difficult. I also become paranoid about perceived reaction from people when it comes to dating. I wanna know what you guy's think, Am i normal?

Yeup

Well my life has lost all hope my car is crap my family is insufferable literally the only thing in my life is my job and I hate that I really do the only reason I like going to work is that I can get away from my mother and her boyfriend between work and school I manage to get some home work done but it's barley enough to pass the only nice thing in my life is my iPod and that's become my life ps I had to steal it from my brother I live in the middle of nowhere the nearest human contact is 8 miles away I'm so poor that dirt laughs at me I have no friends literally none I had things going for me once but thats been totaled but what the hell life's a bitch and I can't get high so I might as well die my bitch of an ex girlfriend made it it her mission to make sure I stay single by telling every girl at my school that I beat her and choked her even though I haven't laid a hurtful hand on any woman in my life theres a woman I can't stop thinking about but I don't know how she feels about me every time I try to talk to her she ignores me I know there's alot of things wrong with me I have a bad back a quiet personality and I'm always uncomfortable around people and I couldn't hold a conversation to save my life and that's just the tip of the iceberg but that doesn't mean I should be forced in to anonymity by all around me I truly hate waking up every day I usually wake up 2 hours before my alarm and I just lay there hoping I'll just die but of corse I don't and of corse I drag...

I Dumb Life Dumb

I hate everything,I'm ugly and I have paranoid schizophrenia my life has always sucked I recall no pleasant memories i had a terrible childhood my father smoked crack and would leave for extended periods when he was home he would beat the shit out of me as did my mother she was also so very cold and emotionless. I've never had friend in my life.I never get to leave my house because my dad won't let me,this has resulted in major social anxiety a trip to the doctor or grocery store or whatever almost always results in a panic attack and I have no education I admit that is my fault for dropping out of school due to anxiety and depression I could have stuck it out .I'm such a loser I have no goals or anything to look forward to, I am always completely alone but that's fine I hate everyone any way I've spent the last 4 years laying in my bed & crying I should be in college or working but here I am: 19 in my parents house wishing I had the balls to kill myself. I used to collect vinyl records to pass the time and give me something to do but I don't care anymore it was just a waste of money,And I'm very embarrased I cared so much about a first press KING TUFF LP or whatever the fuck none of it matters life is so pointless,stupid and gross I'm a loser cry baby

my life

i'm 22 years old after graduating high school i joined the navy where i excelled at every task put infront of me i made rank quickly but i started to develop this fear of every thing i cant enjoy any of my accomplishments and worst off i think i forgot how to communicate with people. at fist i enjoyed saying mest up things to people for shock laughs but it has slow consumed my life and the way i think now.. i'm about to get out with no communications skills and for the past four years i believed that i was to busy to have a girl friend. so every time i talk to people i feel exhausted. i don't know what to expect in the coming months but for the first time in my life i feel scared not the kinda of scared as if you where walking in a haunted house but a sense of hopelessness i used to be a strong christian but now i don't believe in any thing some thing happened i changed some where for the worst. i feel i've spent so much time telling my self "i'm serving my country there is no time for any thing else" that i never got to enjoy it or learn how to spell. i truly feel i haven't matured i feel i'm still making the same mistakes i have always have i always thought i would be refined and be better off. but now i feel lost i'm terrified.

failing over and over

28

no career

keep getting to about 6 months - 1 year in a relationship before girlfriends suddenly ask for long distance relationship but actually break up with me. It's cos I am a loser. Live with parents. Cant decide what i want to do. Smoke pot. I have worked heaps of crappy min wage jobs the last two years just to be in work but that doesnt seem to help with my image.

pathetic. she is as bad as me tho, this one. i thought it would be okay because she is also 28 and has no clue in life but all of a sudden she is above me and going to try... she lives in germany. if we break up this time i will definately end my life. i can not imagine her getting a fancy job and getting shagged rotten by some successful proper man. no way. i can not live again with that. i almost ended my life last time. its like exactly the same thing is happening again.

i can not bare to look people in the face. family, or collegues, friends. i am this pathetic label of someone who had the capacity to be something but just copped out because he was afraid. yet i am still capable or loving and trusting.. but you cant trust any girl with this stuff. they will all do the same thing eventually. all women just want stability and normality, no matter who it is with. its not even about love. its just about looking normal.

NO ONE EVEN CARES IF I EXIST

Iam from a typical indian joint family. My childhood was so hopeless and pointless, that i dont even remember a single good or even bad event. I came up to college and made some new friends. It was like a start over & I dont even have a clue what I was before. Because no one even cares if I exist. At times I feel I really dont exist. Not that I am unattractive or something. I am not worse for sure, am an average guy.
Now I got into a job after colg. No one in the office wants to speak to me in a friendly manner. Every one for the sake of work or as if I am some acquaitence. But I always say to myself 'I dont giv a shit to what they think about me'. They are not even thinking ofcorse. My friends I made in colg are the only friends, like 5 guys, who really have known me much.
Admist all this shit, thinking of a girl is not my thing. When ever a girl speaks up to me I feel very nervous and stupid. try to control all this nervousness and blushing coz I now who i am inside. Anyways I dont want to drag this any longer.
I dont believe in GOD although I couldn't deny HIM. I am agnostic. But I dont know why one has to lead such a boring and uneventfull life through out.

Yes this life of mine might seem quite normal to you. But this aint so good or worse(both are eventfull, mine is atuck in between, and at the end of the day I dont know what I want or with what I feel better in life.

Outside looking in

I am a 28 year old decent looking sometimes creative human being. I believe I have a mental desease that has gone undiagnosed. I lack the ability to interact like a normal human being. At first glance I seem normal but to get to know me is to not understand me and ultimately not like me. Ive had very few real freinds in my life. One was a failed marriage. I am in the military and for that reason my family respects me. They know Im different but have been hiding it from me as a way of protecting me from myself. The worst part of it is that my mind can go into a switch mode that makes me normal. I can feel it. I can conversate think and react on my toes.I actually shine and feel brilliant. This switch can go on for months at a time. Suddenly when I start to feel comfertable in my own skin it goes away. Now it is gone I cannot think clearly or remember simple things. I cannot hold an interesting conversation with anyone. Its as if Everything I say has to be simple so I do not screw it up. Its almost as if im a totally different person. I feel like my soul is trapped inside my mind and it cant escape. I have the same feelings and emotions but I lack mental abilities to react the way my soul feels. I have to be strong. I have younger siblings that look up to me. I cannot simply end my life. My parents already lost a child in which I could have possibly prevented. I cannot burden them. I will hold on to my burden as long as I have to. So now I sit here all alone as I am inprisoned.