Everyone thinks I have lots of friends. I'm sure more people care about me than I realize. But God I feel so alone.
I am declaring Chp 7 bankruptcy next month. Went through a tax audit that left me due money and then lost my job last year. No one knows my situation except a few people. Everyone thinks I have a near-perfect life, in some ways. But I don't.
I have often just felt so different than others. I know I couldn't be. But sometimes I feel intellectually on a plane that maybe isolates me from others. Also my experiences have led to that--I have chosen to pursue careers in foreign countries, to do things that simply lead to having to make new friends and go through lonely times.
People seem to want to use me a lot. Men for attention, people in my social group (church, mostly) I feel like just want gossip. I read once "I make love on the stage to millions, then I go home alone.". I identified. I have done speaking and sales work where that feels like my story.
The man I love is a pathological liar. It's very sad to accept that he will never be who I thought he was. And when he has realized I've found out about his lies, rather than want to fix them or apologize, he runs away scared to death that someone saw through him. So it's even been me often who has to coax him back. He agreed to therapy. But during it he was again lying to the therapist and me. Women contacted me through Facebook, basically, telling me what else he had going on. It is sad. His ex cheated on him 5x in their 12 year marriage (had her own issues that flared up with his emotional abandonment) and divorced him, only to want him back when he started dating me. He would lie through his teeth to keep us both on the line. Why have I stayed? Do I have low self esteem? He is the first and pretty much only man I have slept with (there was one one night stand) and I love our chemistry. He has been my best friend. But he won't commit to just me, and even if he did...what do I have? A man I can't trust? I've been in love with him now for almost 7 years. I have traveled extensively for work during this time and I'm sure that's kept me from connecting with anyone else. I meet men easily and am asked out often. But many men seem intimidated by me and I haven't been able to connect. Nor have I felt attracted to anyone else. --And I'm embarrassed a little to have them know me. Or even once they did--that they would use it against me later.
It was my birthday yesterday. This "boyfriend" didn't do anything. I had over 500 birthday well wishes on Facebook. But the man I "love" and wanted something from only sent texts.
I don't currently have a job. I've been pursuing a new career that doesn't pay much at the start. The "boyfriend" has been letting me use his credit card for months now. He has now sexual expectation, in part it's been considered a loan, in part he thinks I'm a good person and he's able to help, in part he wants me to be controlled by and obligated to him. We live in different cities as I moved to a new one for my "career." But when I was by him--he travels extensively too--he just was hiding me from his ex. They have been divorced for years and years. But he doesn't want her to be with anyone else. So he leads us all on.
Why am I do weak? That I long for him and other men I don't like? Is it just because he has been my first sexual partner?
I am renting a little studio room that is too small. I eat out every meal. I sit in my car for hours thinking. I don't want to go back to the small room. I lay in bed all day. I don't want to talk to anyone. Yet I appear to many totally put together and on the rise.
Men mostly seem to try to use me and be sexual quickly. As I have met some new ones in this new area. The "bf" knows I am meeting people and want to move on since he won't commit when to exclusivity.
I guess...well...I've often gone for lots of thing. Leadership things and degrees and such. And it's sometimes "lonely at the top." People watch you. And while they are out partying u r alone studying. And now where things are at a difficult spot and I'm not independent right now, it also feels very lonely. Many people would be pleased to know if I had failed.
I sat tonight alone again at dinner. I have gone on meetup.com to start finding tennis and poker groups, etc. I feel like I know I need to find a better place to live, find a job that still allows me to pursue my new career and be financially independent again, stay away from the guy and just totally start afresh. I have a condo in the city where he lives I've had a lease on that I am subletting. I think I need to put everything in storage and go from there. But...to just stay in this new lonely city? Where it's hard to find a good apartment? Where maybe I won't find a job? Why again am I here? Because I felt like God wanted me to be. Is that just in my head?
How to battle the loneliness that strikes? That makes me not want to go to bed? That leads to too many Facebook postings? That hits when I lay in bed at night and hurt so deeply inside because I have always wanted a family and companion more than anything and I have never been married and just turned 36 years old? I hurt inside. Have I always put emphasis on a career bc I am scared of relationships? Will having to declare bankruptcy--which I HATE--actually make me more reliant, in a positive way, on someone else? It's almost like the more fame or attention you receive, the more alone you feel inside.
I try to be positive. I mediate, teach and do self help. But it feels good to unload how sad I feel tonight and how scared I feel as well. I wish there were a way to stomp out loneliness and unite. As I read the posts here my heart goes out to everyone. I feel afraid of life tonight, and I hate the "lonely reds."