Everything is falling apart around me! Everything! I don't know how to explain this, I don't know what to write. But everything is receding into blackness, my loves, my hopes, my self. This must seem ambiguous, but I don't have the energy to put very much effort into an explanation, except to say that my family is utterly in ruins, my friends are becoming fewer and farther between, the gap between me and society -- the ephemeral chatter of society -- is widening (still!), and I have given up all hope of ever finding love, of any kind or for any length of time -- this is no hyperbole, I see this now as a harsh reality; hope -- hope for love, for acceptance, for understanding -- hope would now require an enormous feat of intellectual dishonesty.
I am alone, I have always been alone, I will remain to be alone -- that much seems absolute. What prospects am I faced with? An endless nothingness without any point of reference; thought has killed conviction.
And you -- you high and mighty arbiters of what is and isn't pain -- judge this all you may, but you can't unsee it!
Disaster, isolation, neglect, lovelessness, hopelessness -- I must not only accept my circumstances, I must love them; if I can not do this, I am lost. To be exalted by nothingness, to be fulfilled by it, to be able to stare into an abyss and roar with laughter -- that would be a magnificent act!