Lets start with the cliche: "My life fucking sucks!". I know many people have it much worse but i just want to put my situation out there.
I'm 22 years old right now and doing absolutely nothing with my life. Depression and social anxiety keep me from doing anything more than sitting on my ass all day. In fact, i wouldn't call it social anxiety, i would call it a social phobia. I have my diploma and a decent GPA but my depression keeps me from pursuing any career because i simply don't care. I lost my job at Quizno's about six months ago and my social phobia keeps me from even walking in to a store to apply for a job. It makes me avoid people or any situation where i may need to socialize. I feel like i come off as a weird, crazy looking person. It's not people i fear its the rejection and judgment and it drives me insane. Combine that with seeing no point in living and you've got a concoction for disaster.
I wish I knew exactly where my severe social phobia was rooted. To pinpoint the moments in my life that brought these feelings about would be enlightening, though I don't see how they would help me overcome the phobia itself. I'm already tired of typing this stupid thing. I don't know why I find it so god damn hard to be normal. I've heard people say “Just stick with it!”. I've heard them say “You need to just be yourself.”. The problem is, I find that every time I try to act “normal” it comes off as phony and pathetic. As for “sticking with it”, as they say a man can only take so much. After so many failures it seems utterly pointless to lift even a pinkie in effort anymore. Apathy and depression have completely annexed my mind and every single day seems to bring me further down into a cesspool of madness and despair.
My depression, it seems, is directly related to my social anxiety. I feel that I will never overcome it and I see no enjoyable life possible having to live this way. The phobia keeps me from getting a job, friends, a girlfriend. Because of these things I try to convince myself that I don't need any of these things. That I don't need anyone when in fact I am devastated by my loneliness. The way I view the world is very pessimistic and morbid. I don't trust any person or establishment and this makes me quite paranoid. Even those that I would consider “friends” aren't worthy of my trust. I look at life and the world and I feel that even If I were to somehow become extremely successful, life would still be empty.
I think about suicide at least once every half hour. If i had the means for a quick and painless death such as a gun or a fucking grenade, i would either be blown to bits or have a hole in my fucking head right now. At times like this i think that life is nothing but a waiting room for death. The happy and the rich just have better magazines.
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I have no friends, I have no will, I wanna do nothing...
Idk...
Maybe we'll get better.
I think 'bout suicide too... but I don't think I have the guts 2 rly kill myself...
Don't do it...
Try lookin 4 a shrink. I already have 1.
Im takin some meds
Some days I feel a little better.
its a business and they earn money through depressed people.. it a hoax..you people are a great market
protip: they dont help
but yeah op, you have said what i always think...
its like our collective minds are thinking alike...
You're completely right in your feelings; I'm a 27 year old girl with the same phobias. I've been living on my savings for a year simply because I can't bring myself to apply for a job which I know I'm going to hate anyway. Can't stomach being a receptionist and having to put on the happy face, or working hard at a more "important" job that I know doesn't matter in the long run (I've got existentialist problems too).
But please don't kill yourself, for me. My best friend and ex boyfriend (we only broke up because he was gay) committed suicide 8 months ago. I had my social problems and depression even before he jumped off a bridge. You can imagine what it's been like for me in the 8 months since the only person who understood me decided to leave.
Two reasons not to kill yourself:
REASON ONE: because it will hurt people in your life more than you know (even if you don't think anyone cares) It will clench at their hearts for the rest of their lives. It hurts me, so terribly. Please don't spread this hurt.
REASON TWO (probably the better reason): LIFE IS UNFAIR AND SUCKY AND SOMEONE HAS TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT AND NOT ACCEPT THIS SHIT. HOLD ONTO YOUR ANGER, TELL OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT IT. SILLY OPTIMISTS WILL THINK YOU'RE WEIRD BUT GOOD PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND AND BITCH ABOUT LIFE WITH YOU. SOMETIMES THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES LIFE BEARABLE IS BITCHING ABOUT IT. BITCH ON A FORUM, LIKE ME, IF YOU CAN'T FIND ANYONE BRAVE ENOUGH TO TALK ABOUT THIS. IT'S PROBABLY NOT HEALTHY, BUT WHATEVER, IT FEELS DAMN GOOD TO TALK ABOUT HOW UNFAIR IT ALL IS. AND THAT MUST BE HEALTHY, IN THE THE LONG RUN. WE CAN'T ACCEPT THIS SHIT THAT LIFE DEALS US. WE DESERVE BETTER.
ALSO, GET A CAT. THEY'RE PRETTY FUNNY.
So what did I start doing lol? I made a facebook and started lolstalking other peoples profiles. What I saw made me feel even worse. I saw fat, ugly, obnoxious people surrounded by friends and partying blablah blah. Well I am a male, 18 years old, I get stares from girls because I am pretty good looking, and I am lean. So I was just like, wtf am I doing with my life, heres these weird ass mother fuckers having fun and there I am 10x smarter and better than them in every way. My lack of confidence during those 4 years spiraled out of control because I began to believe the shit people gave me. But after looking at all these FB pictures something clicked in my head. Not only did I realize that I had nothing to lose at this point, but the people who might later reject me would be at their OWN loss. I don't need them at all, they need me. So thats what I did, I went out and started communicating with people at my school, I got a job, I started to even act a little bit cocky. People noticed, and everything changed literally over night.
You are better than 95% of the population because YOU had to go through severe depression, they didn't. As for applying for a job, you HAVE to do it. You will meet people, and some might befriend you, even if they don't your communication skills will improve and you won't feel like avoiding people anymore. Seriously, what is the worst that can happen, you walk into a place to ask for an application, are they going to pull out a gun and shoot you? Maybe stab you? Laugh in your face? Talk shit behind your back? Got news for you buddy, your being a paranoid skitzo. And btw, it happens to everyone, right now theres a lot of people that like me and a lot of people that don't. Oh freaking well, it was better than sitting on my ass all day. There are some really fucked up people at my job and I am sure you would blow them out of the water in terms of personality/looks and if they can get a job you can too.
And fyi, I also still have anxiety problems, and I hate meeting new people, but what I am starting to understand is that I hate being alone MORE than socializing and being around people. Hope this helped.
I think people throw around paranoia way too much as an excuse to blame. You may not be paranoid at all. I'm 36 and learned that as I used to think to myself "ok maybe I'm paranoid" but no not really, as it turns out a lot of people are just freak'n weird, presumptive, stink-eyed, cluelessly rude, i dunno I think that decent and reasonable and civilized social norms of behavious of the past were good but they disappeared sometyme between 1988-1996, I'm not too sure. Essentially it turns things around and makes the otherwise cool, decent, bloke into a misfit but that's just the projection from nerds gone wild.
They key to survival is to recognize, realize 90% of "it" isn't you, it's freak'n "them". i don't mean in a conspiracy way just f'ed up people not being everything but proper, being selfish, and destructive, petty, contrived, and pathetic. The key is also to find a like-minded, normal friend like yourself.
Exept that I have also a mum who doesn't give a shit about what i do, and would be so happy if i just gtfo, and a dad who stays the whole day with his friends and his job collegues, and a big bro who hates me cause he thinks my dad loves me more than he does for him, (and this never was true since he loves our sister more than anything on earth), and a sister that I see once in a year and that I know nothing about her, only that she's married and ofc having a lot of fun.
See ? At least u've got home people by ur side, I've got none, so why don't shut up about it cuz, if u wanna suicide cuz u had no friends or cuz u've been rejected by some creepy fat whores, I "DECIDED" to suicide this monday cause I have no1 who cares about my ass and I even the "Imaginary" life i created crumbled since everyone I had in facebook discovered who all those people were (MYSELF) and they all ended up deleting me for been a copycat or whatever they call it, and my familly would love it when i fuck off, oh not to mention girls in my university never looked at me since i'm a fat bitch with a fugly face, Oh and I know even if I turn gay, no gay male out there would love me cause i fuckin suck, and my life fucking sucks, I have no confidence in my ass, Sometimes I just tell myself that I ain't worth it, and when my classmates make fun of me it's just like more suffering and I don't wanna go through this anymore, I know I don't have the guts to kill myself like Shootin my ass off or jump from a cliff, which why I'll take deadly pills, See you guys i hope u all get better sooner
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