LIFE SUCKS

The never ending slump

Have you ever heard of the queen song "I want to break free", well that's the story of my life. During my senior year of high school I switched schools after my dad's alcoholic girlfriend kicked him out of her apartment. I was doing wrestling at the time, though that soon ended due to C.I.F regulations about joining another schools sports team during the middle of the season. SO basically my wrestling season was over, which sucked since it was my final year to prove to myself that I could be a top wrestler. In the end I graduated from high school and was excited about making a new beginning. I moved up north to Santa Barbara were my father was currently living at the time. Since I was living with my dad in a one room studio, tensions would often get very high. Luckily I was able to find work quickly enough, and was paddling outrigger canoes for a club. Though even though I was getting slowly depressed about my living situation with my father, things skyrocketed on my birthday when my father freaked out at me for spilling soda on the linoleum flooring. Soon after that I had a few days off from work, so I decided to visit my mother and sister, which led to me getting a tattoo from a girl who I thought I loved.

The tattoo was supposed to be a reminder of my childhood and of a lone sea lion pup I saw when I was in Santa Barbara. As my friend tattooed me at my moms house, I felt this would be the perfect moment to tell her how I really felt about her. Even though she was a "lesbian" which for some odd reason I really doubted, I honestly thought she was just confused about a past relationship or a childhood incident. Well as for her confessing my love for her she ended saying that my childhood friend and I were gay, which really confused and hurt me to hear that. It was already bad enough that living with my dad was driving me loco, the other was that a girl who I really liked was not who I though she was. So to make a long story short I ended back up living with my mom, and try to at least be friends with the girl I once knew. Which in the end turned out to be a terrible idea, since she only made me start thinking I was really gay and she would constantly bail on me when I asked if she wanted to hang out.

A few months after this incident I tried to move back to Santa Barbara and patch things up with my dad. During my time working with my dad I was getting bad sinus headaches which later I found out was due to the stress he brought to my life. My dad in the end said I had to character, which made my already low self esteem even lower. The next few months led to me trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I even started to take online classes for art school which was turning out to be ok. Also I was helping out as an asst coach for my high schools wrestling coach. Which turned out to be a nightmare since I was treated with such disrespect be the head coach, and in turn by some of the immature wrestlers. The only thing that kept me going was helping this one kid go to state, which he did his senior year! Though I quite helping out once the season was over, and set up my new plan to live in Huntington Beach. Since I had roots in Orange County I was hoping to make a new start on the right foot. My brother who was supposed to help me get settled, since he lived nearby bailed on me. While my father was stressing me out calling me everyday telling me what I should do, to make matters even worse I lost my social security card. So this led to me taking drugs after a girl I meet on the 4th of July never called me back, I was basically dropped me off the deep end. So as I was getting high, I ended up having a panic attack, which soon turned out to be a reoccurring thing. I moved out soon after that, which I also found out a few days before that all three of my roommate where bailing out, without even giving me any notice or heads up.

So I went through a panic stage limbo, freaking out almost every night I went to sleep. Finally once I quite talking to my father and brother, the panic attacks began to decrease. Though I was starting to have stress aches again,since I was 20 and not doing anything with my life. Which led me to head out to Maryland were my other brother was living at the time. So in a short amount of time I could not stand living with my brother in his family, for one there religion was very strict and to be honest very depressing for me. Also my brother who was valedictorian for his school and earned his phd in molecular biology, constantly made me feel like a dumbass who was only bronze not brains. Which got me to think that I should just enlist in the army since that is all I am. The army processing went smooth for the most part, it was just when I headed back to California that the panic attacks reoccurred. Since I was able to let my emotions go to my mother and sister, which I was unable to do at my brothers house since I felt so unwanted and waste of space. Unfortunately I dropped out of the DEP, which made me feel like crap since I only wanted to please everyone else but myself. I was getting mentally ill thinking about how ashamed the recruiters where or what they thought of me and how I was a piece of shit.

I started taking art classes again which turned out to be a nightmare, and only made me feel like a bigger idiot. I wasn't able to focus, and would end up just going to sleep or lounging around the house. I don't even have my drivers license since I get so paranoid now about being around other people, and no longer even ride my bike to the gym since I am afraid of getting hit by a car( which had happened when I was using the crosswalk. Since where I live there are a lot of reckless drivers most are teens who don't even have drivers licences. I look at old pictures of myself and my artwork, and just become more and more depressed seeing how strong I was, and the artwork I used to do. Now I am out of shape, and have no desire to draw anymore. I have so many ambitions and talents(not typing or spelling=), I just cant decide on anything and become even more depressed. I quite facebook since I felt I don't even have any friends anymore, I just feel so alone and hurt. My pride has been stomped on so many times, I just don't feel like getting up anymore. Which hurts me so bad since I have always been able to fight back. I feel like atlas sometimes, though the weight of everyone else burdens have finally crippled me. Though I feel like a horrible person if I am not trying to make everyone else happy, which has honestly make me unsure what makes me happy anymore. I feel like such a priss when I think of other cultures and societies which go through such hardship, I just can't stop feeling so unhappy. That their hardship make me feel even more depressed since I am such a disgrace to mankind.

My dream is to own a shore shack like in the old Nickelodeon show Rocket Power, though even that seems so stupid.