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Alive Not Living

Posted by Emily at June 29, 2012
Tags: 2012 June

I was born into a completely dysfunctional poor family, my mother a violent schizophrenic and my father an disinterested narcissist.

I never felt safe at home , and was was not aloud to leave my mothers site. At school I was teased for being small and feminine. Around 13 puberty struck, I began to hate the changes in my body and my life and sister attempted suicide due to the stress of our shit home life.

I suffer depression and anxiety, which often leaves me unable to leave my room. I used drugs and was high every waking minute during this period to distract myself from the ongoing memories of traumatic incidents and my self hatred. I have since kicked all my addictions.

A year ago I decided to try and accept that I am transgender, acknowledging that society has the problem with not allowing people to freely choose gender and live as a woman, as I should have been doing my whole life.

Now I have another set of problems; trying to accept that I am misunderstood by the majority of people, being treated differently when people find out I was not born a woman, my body and mind will never match no matter what operations I could have, I am afraid of intimacy, never had nor will never have a relationship. Besides one time when I was sexually assaulted I haven't even had my first kiss... I'm 29 :(

My memory is shattered from drug use and I think I'm ugly.

I hate my past, am scared of the present and have little hope for the future.


Similar Entries:
I'm going to fucking kill my self September 16, 2010
Alive while drowning! December 4, 2010
Take this biatches March 16, 2012
I am bored with my life June 19, 2012
I just want it to end April 27, 2012

New Comment

By anonymous at 16,Nov,12 22:23

Would someone please fuck me??????
By anonymous at 17,Nov,12 11:42

Bend over.
By anonymous at 17,Nov,12 15:22

Let me douche first
By anonymous at 30,Jan,13 06:04

Fuck the douche, I dont got all night, ill just breath through my nose

By anonymous at 26,Nov,12 09:10

hello, many of you know my story, many dont. Let me tell you about REAL problems. I am a 44 year old grocery bagger/ maintnece man. I have never had sex with a woman, but I do have oral sex with homeless winos. However, I AM NOT GAY! Women revolt me with thier nasty pussies.
By anonymous at 26,Nov,12 10:47

Can you fist yourself with your baby arm?
By anonymous at 26,Nov,12 10:51 Fold Up

I continue, no one at my job will look at me because I am physically disgusting. My father who continually stuck inatimate objects up my bum when I was a child died of heart failure while masturbating to a cabellas outdoor catalouge about two years ago. My mother is in a wheelchair, and always has yeast infections in the folds on her belly, and I have to clean her. It hurts because she fondles my testes during her cleaning time. I feel as if God has forsaken me, and the devil has infiltrated my life causing great distress and making me go behind the grocery store to give more winos blowjobs. I continue, I also suffer from anxiety issues as well as add and adhd. I have ocd which makes me change paper bags over my head every 20 minutes wilst giving the homeless head. Again, I repeat that I AM NOT GAY! although I do like the taste of Turkish men in my mouth. Thank you for hearing my story.
By anonymous at 26,Nov,12 10:52


By anonymous at 30,Nov,12 03:26

Hey "Peace be with you", get lost. You are absolutely nuts. You guys are so shameless how you always seek out vunerable people and try to get them as wacked-out and hooked as you are. You sound like a... are you talking about that wacky old bible or are you talking about sniffing glue and paint and butane?

Emily you need to meet more trans people! If you live in a small town you should move to a big city. If you live in a big city ...there must be other TG out there (at least for friendship n support if not for a boyfriend..) Dont rule out bi guys! You might be surprised how cool with it some guys are.
By Emily at 10,Dec,12 07:16

Thanks for your kind words. After all reading all these comments I felt that not only am I worthless and insignificant but so is everyone else in the world.

It's nice to know there are some people out there who don't take pleasure in the suffering of others. What is wrong with the majority of commentators? If your'e not seriously seeking help or wanting to help others than why are you here? Fuck off.

Never will I believe in a god. People have a right to believe whatever they want (no matter how crazy), but I think it's despicable that people use this site to try and recruit vulnerable people.

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By anonymous at 06,Dec,12 15:19

By anonymous at 30,Jan,13 06:10

Zanzibar wants you to kill yourself felicia, escape him and GET A FUCKING LIFE.

By anonymous at 02,Mar,13 21:31

I had been suffering from Unstable Angina of the heart for years..We have tried all we could to get the best of drugs and improve my condition on medics but my condition have not improved even after spending lots of money trying to give her the best..My illness has given me so much concern.. I was introduced to a psychic site by a spell caster where I read a testimony of a woman cured of subarachnoid hemorrhage permanently..I was baffled an interested in how she was cured and it was revealed that a spell caster helped her did a spell that cured her.. I contacted the spell caster and explained my case to him..he helped me did same spell and told me to take her for a test..we went for almost 5 checkups after the test and the medics all confirmed there is no traces of the virus in her system again..people that has been suffering from this illness can contact the spell caster on

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Ciekawego t_a, schodzie ma tam o rosn__ wprzódy,
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